Marriage - The Ultimate Betrayal

I got married for the first time at nineteen. I suppose it was young love, I was a struggling sixth former and he was in his third year at university when he proposed. After A Levels I moved to the nearby city and he worked 400 miles away. Tellingly I never visited him. If he wanted to see me it was his journey to make. What tied us together was naive religiosity.

We, or at least I, married for one simple reason; it is what you did in our church. Couples did not go out unless there was an expectation of marriage. In the eyes of the church, not only did marriage bestow full humanity but it was an important step in the victory march against illicit sex and most importantly it ensured the success of civilised society.

We managed to stay together for nearly seven years, far longer than the national average, but eventually we admitted defeat and parted. Two days after our separation, we received a letter from some friends from our old church, explaining how we had let everybody down, and that we really should have tried harder. The church was not the only disapproving voice; despite my friends and family being tremendously supportive, almost every article and book I read on marriage implied that because there was neither cruelty nor adultery involved, we had made an easy immoral decision. We had failed.

There was no recognition that the irretrievable breakdown of marriage had been a painfully long, slow cancerous process, eating away at our very beings. There was no recognition that we were exhausted from "trying harder". There was no recognition because these accusing voices, including that of my old church, fundamentally misunderstood marriage.

So surprisingly have many modern marital commentators such as James Q Wilson. Wilson, who has recently published The Marriage Problem, perpetuates a fantasy of marriage, in which the happily married produce an endless stream of golden offspring, crime and disease free. In his "clarion call to rebuild the family and society", Wilson advocates tax breaks for young women to encourage them to marry and reproduce early, alongside repealing support for unmarried mothers. Predictably there is no mention of the fathers. He also calls for the abolition of no fault divorces as a measure to force couples to face up to the immorality of their decision to split. For Wilson, to fortify the institution of marriage is the only cure for what he sees as the disintegration of society.

However Wilson and his cohorts have not entirely deterred me; next week I shall be marrying a second time, twelve years after my first wedding. Of course I am still troubled by self-questioning. Am I a feeble person who lacks stamina when it comes to relationships? Is our fledging relationship therefore already doomed? Am I in denial to plea youthful ignorance as mitigation? Is it overly optimistic to reflect on how much I have grown up since then and focus on the altogether happier, healthier relationship?

My fears are calmed somewhat by Anne Roiphe's latest book Married - A Fine Predicament. Roiphe married at twenty-one and divorced seven years later. She is thirty five years plus into her second marriage, therefore enabling me to relate to her as well as have hope. She is unconvinced that "we were morally finer when women married still in their teens and suffered bad marriages for all their lives." For her to live such a life - and a lie - would she believes have been fundamentally "anti life". When moving house last year I found my wedding photos and was struck by the child propped up in a white meringue, indicative of the meek, non thinking, supplicant spouse I was supposed to be. To live like that for very long, we both discovered was impossible and damaging.

Roiphe grasps something that Wilson does not - that whilst there can be no comparison to domestic abuse, to stay in a marriage that has died is to commit violence against ourselves. Scathing of those who suffer irretrievable breakdown of their marriage, Wilson displays an ignorance of life as he arrogantly incites us to shame capricious adults who shirk their responsibilities. He does not share Roiphe 's understanding of the destructive effect that children and unemployment can have on marriages, let alone the problems caused by expectations of others and ourselves, pride, and "subconscious destructive choices" caused by past experiences. Knowing that there will be continual obstacles to clamber over is something that I can relate to as the moody, obstinate and volatile person that I am. The hope that we might be able to survive such times seems far more attainable than the saccharine dreams of pretty houses and sparkling babies. Indeed Roiphe's eschewal of such romance together with the understanding of human pettiness and the ability to allow independence in their relationship has ensured the success of her current marriage.

Next week I hope to celebrate the companionship and intimacy that I share with my fiancé, as we state publicly our intention to be with each other for the rest of our lives. Our one year cohabitation is not what Wilson would denounce as "try before you buy" but a desire to spend as much time as possible with each other whilst we save up to afford a wedding that excited families on two continents can attend. Stating our commitment in front of those we trust, is a way of making sure that this scary but enjoyable experience of love is real as well as a thank you for their wisdom and support.

The ceremony, with the help of a friendly Methodist minister, will reflect the continuation of our love rather than imply validation or mystical new beginning. For our relationship has evolved rather than exploding into existence. It did not begin with the Hollywood eye contact across a chandelier lit, smoky room. It was friends who pointed out that something was going on, - nightly hour-long phone calls and an obvious chemistry, encouraging two commitment phobes to "try it out". Ours is not a relationship of chocolates and flowers but an ode to the electrifying force of the everyday.

Far from believing that we are doomed, I think that my second will last, precisely because I no longer hold to romantic illusions or false ideology, religious or secular. Marriage has been betrayed by fanatics such as Wilson but is has been given a second chance by the gentle realism of Roiphe.

With a week until the big day, it is time to prepare with earnest. This time, I will not be swept along on a childish wave of "right and proper"; there will be no white meringue although I am determined to look stunning. Our wedding will be outside, overlooking South African hills, symbolising that our marriage is not "out of this world" but most definitely in it.

The Marriage Problem, James Q Wilson, Harper Collins £18.99

Married - A Fine Predicament, Anne Roiphe, Bloomsbury £12.99 (Published 21st April)

This article was first published on Shipoffools.com