The Last Temptation Of Chris Farley

With all this maudlin hand-wringing about blubbery former comedian Chris Farley trying to emulate the life and death of his idol John Belushi, am I the only one who remembers that there was yet another beloved household name who made an indelible mark on the world before leaving us, all too soon, at the age of 33? That's right, you remember Him, don't you? The parallels are frightening...

Christ: Ejected moneylenders from temple.

Chris: Protruded veins from temples.

Christ: Brought Lazarus back from dead.

Chris: Brought extra-large Meat-Lover's Special back from Pizza Hut.

Christ: Walked on water.

Chris: Had walk-on part in "Wayne's World."

Christ: Turned water into wine.

Chris: Turned beer and whiskey into urine.

Christ: Name often uttered as curse by those inflicted with pain.

Chris: Often inflicted with pain, cursed.

Christ: Had 12 disciples.

Chris: Had 12-pack nightly.

Christ: Turned other cheek when struck by enemies.

Chris: Exposed both cheeks when stuck for material.

Christ: Healed sick and blind.

Chris: Drank until sick and blind.

Christ: Broke domination of Roman Empire with powerful words.

Chris: Broke prop furniture on "Saturday Night Live" with corpulent body.

Christ: Crucified for Mankind's sins.

Chris: Appeared in movies with David Spade.

Plus, come on, "Christ"? "Chris"? I don't know where everybody's getting this Belushi crap.