General: B-Side Rumblings

There's a lot going on right now in the world of sports as baseball nears its postseason and the NFL is in full swing.

With that in mind, here are some of my B-Side rumblings...

Note: The quotes and comments attributed to people in this article are fictional and purely satirical.

Baseball --

I'm sorry to say, I really am, but Chicago baseball fans are suffering through another championship-less year. The White Sox -- currently 11-1/2 games back of Minnesota -- were actually in first place in the American League Central at the All-Star break.

The Sox, known as much for their second half collapses as for their above average line-up, were true to form this season. While the Twins are working on a three-peat of division titles, the "Slight Sox" are on the verge of a three-peat of their own: finishing in second place each year since 2002. Now that's a commitment to almost excellence.

As for the Cubies, things won't be as bad as last year. This time the Northsiders won't sniff anything close to a clinching game in the NLCS. In fact, they won't even make the playoffs. Not because the Giants, Marlins or Astros are that much better, they're not. The Cubs just aren't a smart, fundamentally sound team that looks ready for a postseason run.

There is still hope though. Maybe Sammy Sosa will sneeze and throw out his back again. Then perhaps somebody else can play right field and have an average higher than .080 with RISP.

So Art Howe wants to be let go now if he's not going to be back as the Mets' manager next year. Yo, Art, here's an idea: how about not going to New York in the first place and committing career suicide!

After much consideration (and much testing, usually right before driving at excessive speeds), Braves shortstop Rafael Furcal is expected to have a press conference sometime later this week to announce his endorsement for president of beers.

Despite a hot streak to begin the season (by "hot streak" I mean hovering around .500), the Milwaukee Brewers will once again lose 90 games and finish last in the National League Central. This marks the 21st consecutive year the Brew Crew will miss the playoffs.

However, marketing executives already have come up with a slogan to attract new ticket buyers in 2005. Billboards reading "Hey, if Ben Sheets isn't pitching at least we still have the sausage races" will start to pop up around town sometime after Christmas.

When shown a preview of the new billboard, most Milwaukee residents under the age of 30 seemed uninterested and some even asked if the Brewers were a new expansion team. Each participant in the marketing survey was given a free Keith Ginter bobblehead doll.

Football --

Things couldn't have gone much worse in the season opener for the Carolina Panthers on Monday Night Football. Along with a resounding loss to the Green Bay Packers at home, last year's NFC champs learned that star receiver Steve Smith is likely out for the year with a broken leg.

With their team now facing nearly impossible odds to return to the Super Bowl, Panther fans can turn their full attention to what's really important: NASCAR.

In a cost-cutting move, the Broncos plan to use a crash test dummy as their starting tailback next year. When asked about the curious plan for 2005, head coach Mike Shannahan seemed more than confident.

"In our system, we think a dummy can gain at least 1,500 yards," Shannahan said. "Plus, we could probably turn around and trade it the following year to Arizona for a first rounder."

After seeing his team's streak of 24 consecutive road losses snapped last week at Chicago, Detroit Lions quarterback Joey Harrington was understandably upset in the locker room after the game.

"With this team, I really felt we could continue the streak two or three more years," Harrington said. "I thought we made enough mistakes to lose the game, but I guess the Bears just executed themselves better than we did this time."

While last season's dramatic loss to the Cardinals to bounce their team from the playoffs continues to linger among purple faithful, Minnesota coach Mike Tice sees bigger and better things from his Vikings in '04. A 35-17 victory over Dallas in its opener was a good start for the squad.

"After losing and missing the playoffs on the last play like we did, I think our guys are ready to take that next step," Tice told the B-Side. "This year, we want to get to the playoffs, win a game or two, and then lose a heartbreaker, just like our great Viking teams of the past."