Joke Review: The Virgin Bride
There's something about virgins. Enough, anyway, to hook us into pretty much any joke or story. But, how long can our interest hold out?
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
"Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
"Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
"Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
"Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
"Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
"Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
"Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.
"Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
"Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
*****
Where to begin? We might as well start at the base and work our way through the layers like a geologist or a psychiatrist or a coroner autopsying a really fat guy.
Penetrating the surface, the first thing our critical scalpel incises is the titular intact bride. She's a virgin, an almost mythical appellation throughout the history of mankind. Pure, innocent young women have represented a societal ideal that has transcended cultures and continents. Third World tribes have sacrificed them to idols for only their blood is worthy to flow at the feet of supreme beings. They are the promised afterlife reward for Muslim extremists partaking in suicidal terrorism. To Christians, they are a direct link to the mother of God. And, most importantly to our discussion, virgins are time-tested punch lines.
Take two women of equal attractiveness. Tell almost any guy, in any language, that one is a virgin and then ask which one he prefers. (Important note: do not use twins because that only blurs your aim with added sordidness.) Ironically, the only way to rebalance the women's chances is to describe the non-virgin as a nymphomaniac. A woman who has never had sex and one who wants it all the time--for some reason, they are equal opportunity conquests to men. The thought process, of course, being that the virgin is simply waiting for the right man to get freaky with, and that man is, of course, you. Me. Whomever. Virgins equal sex, nonsensical as it sounds.
So, we have a virgin and our interest is piqued. Good start, and the premise only amplifies the anticipation. How can she have been married 10, count 'em 10, times and never consummated 1, count 'em, 1 of them? I don't know, either, but I'm dying to find out.
And so is her new groom. The fact that this subject hasn't been broached previous to the wedding night is a bit questionable, but it is a sensitive topic. It also injects some subliminal morality into the tale as the couple obviously waited to knock boots until after their union was legal. Not that I think we're dealing with a piece of religious propaganda, but it's something to think about. Or not, it's really your call. The point is, I'll buy it.
Now, we arrive at the heart of the joke, and the first major stumbling block. Lists are always iffy; like porridge they have to be just right. Three has traditionally been the preferred length (priest, rabbi, preacher; Jew, Italian, Pole; etc.). Here, we have two less than a dozen. Does it work? Barely, but only because of the context. The rundown of ex-husbands also serves as a forum for social commentary, bonus satire, if you will. And, why wouldn't you?
Mainly, because the list IS too long. It's always amusing, and especially topical today, to take potshots at telemarketers, engineers, and corporate culture in general, but not at the expense of losing your focus. The joke still would have worked if she had been married only three times before, or even once (as long as the stamp collector line remained intact--highlight of the joke). The point was that she did not have sex in her previous marriages because of her spouses' professional, and thus, personal shortcomings. I get the concept. What I don't get is why so much time is spent building up to a weak climax.
A lawyer joke. That's it. Unlike blonde jokes, which can be applied to any idiocy-prone group or particular person, lawyer jokes are occupationally specific. They drip with genuine venom for real people, hatred based on true experiences. And, because a plumber or a baker cannot be substituted, the potential scenarios are finite. This genre is tapped, probably since audiences cheered the T-Rex with the attorney Jones in Jurassic Park. In order to replenish this fertile comic feeding ground, bold new approaches are needed. What we have here is an effort hungry to cram too much in all at once, but ultimately opting for the safe out. You know, like a wedding night virgin.
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
"Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
"Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
"Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
"Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
"Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
"Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
"Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.
"Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
"Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
*****
Where to begin? We might as well start at the base and work our way through the layers like a geologist or a psychiatrist or a coroner autopsying a really fat guy.
Penetrating the surface, the first thing our critical scalpel incises is the titular intact bride. She's a virgin, an almost mythical appellation throughout the history of mankind. Pure, innocent young women have represented a societal ideal that has transcended cultures and continents. Third World tribes have sacrificed them to idols for only their blood is worthy to flow at the feet of supreme beings. They are the promised afterlife reward for Muslim extremists partaking in suicidal terrorism. To Christians, they are a direct link to the mother of God. And, most importantly to our discussion, virgins are time-tested punch lines.
Take two women of equal attractiveness. Tell almost any guy, in any language, that one is a virgin and then ask which one he prefers. (Important note: do not use twins because that only blurs your aim with added sordidness.) Ironically, the only way to rebalance the women's chances is to describe the non-virgin as a nymphomaniac. A woman who has never had sex and one who wants it all the time--for some reason, they are equal opportunity conquests to men. The thought process, of course, being that the virgin is simply waiting for the right man to get freaky with, and that man is, of course, you. Me. Whomever. Virgins equal sex, nonsensical as it sounds.
So, we have a virgin and our interest is piqued. Good start, and the premise only amplifies the anticipation. How can she have been married 10, count 'em 10, times and never consummated 1, count 'em, 1 of them? I don't know, either, but I'm dying to find out.
And so is her new groom. The fact that this subject hasn't been broached previous to the wedding night is a bit questionable, but it is a sensitive topic. It also injects some subliminal morality into the tale as the couple obviously waited to knock boots until after their union was legal. Not that I think we're dealing with a piece of religious propaganda, but it's something to think about. Or not, it's really your call. The point is, I'll buy it.
Now, we arrive at the heart of the joke, and the first major stumbling block. Lists are always iffy; like porridge they have to be just right. Three has traditionally been the preferred length (priest, rabbi, preacher; Jew, Italian, Pole; etc.). Here, we have two less than a dozen. Does it work? Barely, but only because of the context. The rundown of ex-husbands also serves as a forum for social commentary, bonus satire, if you will. And, why wouldn't you?
Mainly, because the list IS too long. It's always amusing, and especially topical today, to take potshots at telemarketers, engineers, and corporate culture in general, but not at the expense of losing your focus. The joke still would have worked if she had been married only three times before, or even once (as long as the stamp collector line remained intact--highlight of the joke). The point was that she did not have sex in her previous marriages because of her spouses' professional, and thus, personal shortcomings. I get the concept. What I don't get is why so much time is spent building up to a weak climax.
A lawyer joke. That's it. Unlike blonde jokes, which can be applied to any idiocy-prone group or particular person, lawyer jokes are occupationally specific. They drip with genuine venom for real people, hatred based on true experiences. And, because a plumber or a baker cannot be substituted, the potential scenarios are finite. This genre is tapped, probably since audiences cheered the T-Rex with the attorney Jones in Jurassic Park. In order to replenish this fertile comic feeding ground, bold new approaches are needed. What we have here is an effort hungry to cram too much in all at once, but ultimately opting for the safe out. You know, like a wedding night virgin.
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