Ways to improve the pastime

By David Shaw Sports Central Columnist

Kindergarteners that use the "F" word more times than George Carlin, enough television stations to run a "Behind the Music" on every crack addict from the '80s simultaneously, amusement parks held together with duct tape, prayers, and a few thousand thumb pins, enough deep fat fried meat products to fully clog the arteries of every man, woman, and child on this planet, and some random sport named baseball that takes three hours to play and three decades to understand; which one of these objects doesn't belong?

The debate about why America has fallen out of love with baseball can be traced back for a good decade now. The game is too slow, the game is too lengthy, the game is too... slow, the arguments go on and on. However, no one has come forward to offer concrete, sure-fire ways to improve this nation's greatest sport. That is... until now.

To be truly "hip," as the kids say these days, baseball is going to need a facelift. Today, I present to you a list of changes that Major League Baseball should and must introduce to save the game, the fan base, and the insanely powerful revenue engine that powers the sport. Some of these ideas may be a little out there, but drastic measures are needed here.

1. The Immediate Reinstatement and Encouragement of Steroids.

I know what you're thinking, are there enough steroids to go around? Sure, there are health risks posed by steroids and an air of unfairness about the use of body altering drugs, but look at what these steroids produce. Single-season homerun records get broken every three years, pitchers continue to climb higher and higher into the triple digits of pitch speeds, biceps grow to the size of thighs, and thighs grow to the size of an anaconda that has swallowed a fire hydrant.

If everyone was allowed to use steroids, then what is so unfair about that? The steroids are free for use by anyone, there is no uneven playing field here. And the health risks? Please. These men don't need long life and ripe old age; they've got money, fame, and power. Ninety years of slow, steroid-less life can be packed into 50 with a little elbow grease.

2. Three Pitchers Per Team, Per Game.

The world today does not need the strategy and intrigue of the situational lefty coming in to mow down one hitter and calling it a night. What the world likes to see is triumph over adversity, strength through struggle. Let me paint a bit of a picture for you here.

Pitcher number one gets rocked in the second-inning and is yanked. Pitcher number two comes in, provides 3-4 innings of solid work before getting shelled, as well. Pitcher number three gets to come in, knowing full well that five innings of grueling work lie ahead of him, no more, no less. The opposite team goes off on this poor soul and there is nothing his manager can do for him. That's the kind of car wreck on the side of the road type action that America is looking for, and baseball can deliver it.

3. Brawls.

If there is blood spilled in this country, people want to know about it, hear about it, witness it, and taste it if it all possible. Similar to one of the few true American sports, hockey, pitcher and batter should be given ample time to air out their grievances. Referees get to stay far away from the pointy elbows and angry dispositions of short lead-off hitters, and the American public gets to see Roger Clemens and Mike Piazza throw down on national television. Who is the victim here?

The Jerry Springer Show now cuts away when fights break out. NHL officials shun the violent and often times confrontational aspect of their sport. Threatening to beat your wife left the airways when Ralph Cramden left the set of the Honeymooners. In a world hungry for violence and destruction, the people are left wanting. Baseball can fill that void.

The point to this tirade is that it would not be surprising to see baseball owners or players subscribe to any of these ideas. In a sport so sick, so mismanaged, so abused over the past few years, no one is looking for concrete solutions to concrete problems that plague baseball. Every sport can have an effective salary cap... except baseball. Every sport can manage to avoid repeated work stoppages in their history... except baseball. Every sport can bask in the glory of said sport during All-Star Weekend... except baseball.

Common sense answers would include a salary cap that caps the salary for every team, not just the mega-budget teams like the Yankees and Mets. Bud Selig-sense answers include contraction, a move to eliminate teams that are drawing baseball down, yet manage to win the AL Central somehow.

Lower the pitcher's mound, raise the pitcher's mound, give out more fines, give out less fines, have ties in your All-Star Game, don't have ties in your All-Star Game, these are superficial answers given to superficial questions. The meat of this baseball issue is deeper, entrenched in the years and years of economic mismanagement that led players to expect astronomical salaries and owners to expect help from other owners to pay them.

The problems lie in the fact that person at the helm of this sinking ship forged a deal that pays the Milwaukee Brewers the most in revenue sharing, a team his own family happens to run. This same person refuses to deal with the issues at hand in a manner such that they don't have to be dealt with again. Instead, Bud Selig likes to dangle a strike/walkout/lockout/work stoppage/all together disbanding in front of baseball fans every four years.

Simply put, baseball needs to spend less time worrying about the five extra minutes it takes to play a game when Nomar Garciaparra steps out after every swing and worry more about issues that truly have an impact on the health of the game. Bud Selig should be rotated slowly over an open flame with an apple in his mouth, to be feasted upon by cannibals on an island in the Caribbean.

Most importantly, the money side of baseball, the dark underbelly that threatens to rot this sport on the vine, needs to be dealt with in a productive and final manner. The sport of baseball is not sick, America, it is the people that run baseball that have poisoned the water.

America, I want to hear what you think, what you're outraged about, and just how badly you want to see Mike Piazza slice open Roger Clemens with a broken bat. Please write to the editor and he'll forward your comments to me. Thanks.

Article courtesy of Sports Central.