NFL: Dennis Miller Give Props to His Peeps

This summer, NFL fans across the nation were surprised when ABC named Dennis Miller to the commentator booth of
Monday Night Football. One of the most surprised, however, was Dennis Miller himself who has very little experience in
broadcasting. Although ABC and Al Michaels were pleased to have Dennis join, they knew he needed to get a jump-start on
how to call a game, but they needed in done in secret. Although almost everyone involved with the effort has kept the
information very confidential, e-sports! has discovered where Dennis Miller went to pick up some quick lessons: the hit show
on the Food Network, Iron Chef. An excerpt from one of the episodes in which he appeared is presented for the first time
below.

Fukui Kenji: Welcome back. We have a number of interesting dishes being prepared for us this evening as our challenger
Sadaharu Oh takes on Iron Chef China Chen Kenichi. The task before both gentlemen is daunting as the theme ingredient for
tonight was inspired by the guest appearance of our American friend Dennis Miller. To celebrate American cuisine, every dish
must include peeps, the American treat.

Baseball Team Owner: Dennis, what exactly is in a peep?

Miller: Well, as the name implies … I don’t think I’m going there …

Actress: They’re sugar, mostly. Right?

Miller: Um, yeah.

Actress: Are they good for you?

Miller: Suddenly I’m C. Everett Koop?

Kenji: Now the challenger appears to be slicing the body of the peeps and discarding the heads. I think he is …

Ohta Shinichiro: Fukui-san!

Kenji: Go, Ohta!

Ohta: Chef Oh is making peep sashimi. He says that the heads are not good for this, only the bodies. The heads will be used
in his next dish, peep fondue.

Kenji: Now do I understand that there are both peep chicks and peep rabbits?

Ohta: Correct. There are also other colors, but Kaga Takeshi has ruled that the other colors - in particular the blue - are
unnatural and will not be used tonight.

Kenji: So, only yellow peeps!

Actress: Oh. I wonder if that will limit the chefs.

Owner: Now is there a different name for the peep rabbits?

Miller: I think they are all really just peeps.

Owner: Now what is the Iron Chef doing?

Kenji: He is mixing in chick peeps with real chicken, peanuts, and chilies, I think …

Ohta: Fukui-san!

Kenji: Take it, big guy!

Ohta: You are right. Chef Chen is also mixing in water chestnuts to make Kung Peep Chicken. He is trying to stick with the
traditional Chinese cuisine. This will complement his other dishes, which will include Peeping Duck and Chicken à la Peep.

Actress: I love Kung Peep Chicken!

Owner: Do they really eat peeps this way in America?

Miller: Uh … Not that I am aware of. I mean this is all so weird…

Actress: One time in America I had a peep sandwich.

Miller: I don’t think …

Kenji: Americans do love their sandwiches.

Miller: You see, this is the whole problem with stereotypes. I mean, you take one thing out of context and blow it up into this
huge phenomenon to meet your own preconceived notions of American pop culture. Just because Americans make peeps and
eat a bunch of them on Easter does not mean that we incorporate them into every recipe. This would be like me asking why
the Iron Chef doesn’t have a Hello Kitty backpack.

Actress: Oh, I love Hello Kitty!

Announcer: 30 minutes!

Kenji: The match up tonight will be curious because our challenger is incorporating a more American theme. Although the
appetizer will appeal to traditional Japanese, the split peep soup I believe is an American or European dish.

Ohta: Fukui-san!

Kenji: Yes, Ohta!

Ohta: You are correct again. Chef Oh is trying to stick with what he thinks are more American-themed fares. You see him
preparing the hot sauce and deep fryer to make Buffalo peeps. He is putting them in now.

Miller: Buffalo peeps?

Actress: Oh my god! They’re dissolving.

Owner: Yes. Only their eerie little eyes remain.

Kenji: Well, he will have to think fast on his feet now. He will have to prepare a completely new dish.

Ohta: Fukui-san! Chef Oh tells me that he will try to prepare macaroni and peeps instead.

Kenji: Well, we look forward to that. Checking back in with the Iron Chef. He seems to be preparing peep skewers or peep
kabobs, if you will.

Miller: Or peep on a stick.

Kenji: Oh! Do you make those at barbecues, Dennis?

Miller: Never in a million years. Look, guys, they’re just marshmallows that kids eat. They aren’t a delicacy.

Ohta: Fukui-san!

Kenji: Run with it, Ohta!

Ohta: Chef Chen is making peep kabobs. He has marinated them in sake, salt, a traditional Japanese soy sauce, sweet sake,
moon salt, an herb soy sauce, and light sake.

Kenji: Delicious. Meanwhile, our challenger …

Owner: Is that Peep Wellington?

Kenji: Exactly.

Miller: Wrapping peep rabbits around London Broil has got to be a violation of the Code Napoléon.

Actress: I know. Clearly, chick peeps would be the best way to go. I also hear they make a great hummus. Have you ever
had that, Dennis?

Miller: I’m not saying peep.