Spilled Milk

By Andy Steiner
Published by Rodale
September 2005; $12.95US/$17.95CAN; 1-59486-040-8

"Breast is best." You've heard it from your doctor, your best friend, your pushy colleague. No arguments from you -- you're intent on nursing and you're ready to grow your baby the best way possible.

And then you start. Wait -- where was the memo on the searing pain? Or the strange desire to moo like a prize Jersey whenever you're hooked up to the pump? And was anyone going to mention the level of public nudity involved in getting your kid some breakfast?

In this perfect antidote to "lactivist" propaganda, award-winning writer Andy Steiner weaves together hysterical anecdotes and tips from the trenches to offer comfort and realistic advice to new nursing moms. Spilled Milk will help you understand that not all babies are going to "get it" right away, that breastfeeding can hurt even if you're doing it correctly, and that baring your breasts will actually become shamefully easy with time. Never fear, Steiner says. Stick with it and you'll get to what she calls "the love-in-the-letdown, the baby bonding, and the joy" of what can only be called "the world's first fast food."

Excerpt

The following is an excerpt from the book Spilled Milk: Breastfeeding Adventures and Advice from Less-Than-Perfect Moms

Fight for Your Right to Breastfeed

When Ola, a thirty-two-year-old artist from New York City's Washington Heights neighborhood, describes herself as "stubborn," there's a hint of pride in her voice. If she weren't so stubborn, she says, she would've given up on breastfeeding early on.

Ola's family were not breastfeeders. In fact, until she met her partner, and he explained that his mother breastfed him, she had barely even realized that babies could be fed from their mothers' breasts.

"I know it sounds crazy, but I didn't know anything about breastfeeding at all until I was pregnant," Ola says. "I didn't know people who did it. I honestly didn't know that you could feed your child without using milk or formula because I'd never seen it. It never happened in my family."

During her pregnancy, Ola read everything she could find about childrearing. While the experts had different perspectives on temper tantrums, teething, and the terrible twos, they all agreed on one thing: Breast milk is the best food for infants. The idea that her body could provide all the food her baby needed in the first months of life was a revelation for Ola. The idea of giving the milk from her breasts to her child made her feel powerful, like she possessed a hidden talent that she'd never even realized.

"As I got more and more pregnant and my breasts started filling up with the milk, I thought, 'This is great'" Ola recalls. "Once I realized that this was something I could do, something that I was meant to do even, there was absolutely no turning back."

For a long time, Ola didn't even talk to her parents about her decision to breastfeed. She knew what their reaction would be. "My mom was going to freak out," Ola explains. "I didn't want to deal with that until I had to." So instead, she turned to her partner's mother, asking the older woman for advice and guidance. After Ola's daughter was born -- by emergency Cesarean -- her mother-in-law moved in for a few days to assist with the new baby and with establishing breastfeeding.

"I don't know what I would've done without her," Ola says. "She's a real breastfeeding advocate. She's very supportive, and she helped me get over the early humps."

The humps Ola faced at the start were far from insurmountable. Despite a few classic latch-on problems, the first days of breastfeeding were nearly textbook-perfect. Having an experienced guide on hand helped. "The only problem I ran into at the beginning was latching on," she recalls. "That was the hardest part. I needed to make sure that she got everything in her mouth." (When she says everything, Ola means that her baby needed to learn to latch on not just to the nipple but also to the areola -- the area surrounding the nipple.) "I needed to perfect my hold, too, but once I got past that point, it was smooth sailing. And once I figured out how I could lay down while feeding her," she drawls, laughing, "it was ooo-ver. I was chillin'."

After the baby was born, Ola had no way of hiding the fact that she was breastfeeding. Her mother and father were aghast.

"It was a huge problem for them," Ola says. "They'd say stuff like, 'She's not going to grow. She's not going to be strong. She's not going to be healthy. You need to give her formula. That's how you can monitor what she's getting.' Of course, I was a new mother and very nervous about my daughter's health, so hearing them say stuff like that made me anxious."

Still, at that moment, some sense of inner resolve kicked in for Ola. Even though she was feeling weak and vulnerable from the surgery, she told her parents to back off, insisting that she knew what was best for her child.

"I was pretty determined," Ola admits. "The more my parents resisted it, the more I wanted to do it. I wanted to prove them wrong. She was growing so nicely. She was so healthy and strong. I felt like I was doing the right thing. I guess at that time I was just following my "mother's intuition," letting my true nature take over. I was adamant that nobody was going to tell me what to do with my baby."

Eventually, Ola and her parents worked out an awkward sort of truce, with Ola continuing to breastfeed openly and her mother continuing to push formula in her own less-than-subtle way.

"She bought cases of formula," Ola laughs. "She'd bring them over to my house. It was just horrible, but it was also funny. They never got over it."

Breastfeeding has worked so well that Ola plans to let her now-toddler-aged daughter nurse until she weans herself. Ola describes her mothering style as "intuitive" parenting. "I haven't made any real conscious decisions around rules or education or discipline," she explains. "I kind of flow as I go. So breastfeeding works for us, because it's easy and natural, and that's what I'm all about."

And though she wishes her mother and father would have kept their opinions about nursing to themselves, Ola says she doesn't blame them for their insistence that formula is better for infants than breast milk. In her neighborhood, she says, that's the prevailing belief. "Even at the hospital when my daughter was born, the nurses were handing me the formula, saying stuff like, 'Take this for when you get tired,'" Ola recalls. "I'd say. 'No. I'm going to breastfeed her,' and then they said, 'You are going to get tired.' I was like, 'How can you say I'm going to get tired of feeding my daughter?"'

Despite her mother's relentless efforts to get her to stop, Ola has no regrets about her decision to breastfeed. In fact, she says, it's one of the best things she's done since she became a mother.

"When I thought about using formula, I was concerned about allergies, and what kind would be the best to buy, and how I would mix it all up and keep the bottles clean and sterilized," she says. "In the end, it seemed like a lot more work and worry than just lifting up my shirt."

Reviews

"Finally! A commonsense book on breastfeeding that abandons dreary, holier-than-thou approaches and instead embraces what's loving, healthy, and wonderful about one of the coolest ways to raise your baby. Just relax, get real, and take the practical, lovely advice from mom Andy Steiner. You'll be fine!"

--Pamela Hill Nettleton, editor, Beginnings: Pregnancy, Birth, and Beyond and mother of three children (all breastfed, all healthy, all grown, none of them chain saw murderers)

"Like a rollicking conversation with your best girlfriends -- honest, intimate, and hilarious -- Andy Steiner's down-to-earth guide to breastfeeding is a refreshing blend of straight talk and practical wisdom."

--Karen Olson, editor, Utne magazine

"If you're having a baby, do yourself a favor -- ditch some of the mommy manuals and read this instead."

--Monika Bauerlein, senior editor, Mother Jones


"Andy Steiner is the woman to turn to for all the nursing issues that get glossed over. In the weirdly political world of breastfeeding, Steiner stands out as a sympathetic compadre. She knows the difficulties, the rewards, and the judgments that come with infant feeding."

--Jennifer Niesslein and Stephanie Wilkinson, editors, Brain, Child: The Magazine for Thinking Mothers

"In this spirited mamafesto, Andy Steiner boldly and wisely challenges myths not only about the process and protocol of breastfeeding itself, but about what our culture expects -- often unfairly -- of its mothers. Steiner and her fellow breastfeeders share their stories of both the joys and the, well, letdowns of lactation in voices that are so blunt, sassy, and loving you'll want to keep them around even after the breast pumps and nursing bras are packed away."

--Andi Zeisler, editor, Bitch magazine

"This is not your mother's how-to book about breastfeeding! Andy Steiner is a fresh voice: lively, informative, sassy, personal. The result is a book that will empower and comfort women who are breastfeeding, or thinking about it, and will even engage and inform those who aren't."

--Mollie Hoben, founding publisher, Minnesota Women's Press

"Andy Steiner's brave and honest book is a helpful companion during the tenuous process of learning to nurse, and learning to accept the social awkwardness about exposing our breasts that ironically pervades our culture. I smiled in recognition and was heartened by her attitude and suggestions."

--Nanci Olesen, producer and host, MOMbo, a radio resource for moms

"This is a wonderfully wide-ranging book. Women who love breastfeeding, those who find it incredibly difficult, strange or painful; and those who don't yet know what they will decide or experience, will all feel welcome in Spilled Milk . . . If you've ever breastfed, or thought you might, this is a book you'll want to read." --Faulkner Fox, author, Dispatches from a Not-So-Perfect Life

"Instead of guilting moms with 'best for baby' moralizing, Steiner serves up a warm chat-fest of real-life mama experiences that help readers make fully-informed choices. And because of its big-picture look at breastfeeding's impact on sex, love, and life in general, this book provides an engaging preview of life during Babytime that any would-be mom will prize."

--Helen Cordes, editor, Daughters magazine

"I loved this book. It's humorous, honest, and empowering without being unrealistic. It paints a very full, complex, and real picture of what it's like to breastfeed -- and that's exactly what moms need."

--Nancy Gruver, founder and publisher, New Moon Magazine

"Spilled Milk is filled with the voices of the wise and witty girlfriends I wish I had had when my first baby was born and I was struggling to keep the milk bar open 'round the clock. It's warm, compassionate, funny, and just the thing for a late-night nurse-a-thon."

--Beth Hawkins, senior editor, City Pages (Minneapolis)

"Wise, witty, deliciously reassuring. The perfect pick-me-up for mothers convinced that they're the only ones on the planet who are doing it wrong -- which is pretty much all of us."

--Barbara Graham, author, Women Who Run with the Poodles

"A deliciously important book. Myth-busting and empowering, this is the real deal about nursing from real moms."

--Ariel Gore, editor, Hip Mama

Author

Andy Steiner, former senior editor at Utne, is a prize-winning writer whose work has appeared in Ms., Glamour, Mademoiselle, Self, and Modern Maturity. She lives in St. Paul, Minnesota.

Copyright © 2005 Andy Steiner

Reprinted from: Spilled Milk: Breastfeeding Adventures and Advice from Less-Than-Perfect Moms by Andy Steiner. Copyright © 2005 Andy Steiner. Permission granted by Rodale, Inc., Emmaus, PA 18098. Available wherever books are sold or directly from the publisher by calling (800) 848-4735 or visit their website at www.rodalestore.com