General: Sterno's Talkin' Smack -- Episode #34

Sterno's Talkin' smack. No holding back here. It's all trash, all the time. Welcome to the Friday morning edition.

Today's topics include an update on the Kobe Bryant saga, the Portland Trailblazers putting their foot down, the heat in Jacksonville, and a special Smack for Mr. Arnold Schwartzenegger.

Smack This: Kobe Bryant -- Here we go again, folks! Surprise! Surprise! Unfortunately I have to comment on this every time there is an update, because believe it or not, a couple of my readers actually read my work for its informational content. Why, I have no idea!

Anyway, I had touched on this a bit yesterday, but I'll recap. There were members of the media. There were tons of fans of Kobe Bryant. There was commentary from the lovely Greta Van Susteren. (Yes, I am being sarcastic. She looks like a train ran over her face!) Geraldo Rivera was accounted for. Ah, the drama.

The question is, whether or not there has ever been a more ridiculously over hyped televised court event. I think not. Kobe said two words. Yes, two of them. No, not go Lakers. He said, "No Sir." So we got all of that media, the fans, and the hype for a "No Sir?" Yep. That's about it.

The words were referring to when Kobe had to acknowledge that if he objected to giving up his right to have the preliminary hearing within 30 days. So, all of this drama took about seven minutes. I'm sure there was some sort of pathetic reality television show that we all missed during those seven minutes, and that gets me mad.

The next step in this never-ending saga is the hearing set for October 9th, where I am sure that we will find about the inevitable. We are going to trial. I could only beg the people at that hotel where this all took place, to stop talking to the media, so I can leave this story alone, but I am sure that some car wash attendant or janitor or something, will speak out to get their "fifteen minutes!"

Lucky me!

Kobe Bryant Saga -- Smacked!!!

Smack This: Portland "JailBlazers" -- Okay, on we go, to a much funnier story. If you have been reading my column for a while, you know my thoughts on the Blazers. They are hilarious. Between Rasheed Wallace who can't control his behavior, to fights in the locker room, and most recently Damon Stoudamire, who took a few pounds of pot and dumped it in the airport security tray, Portland always keeps you wanting more.

Well, now we've got it. Team President Steve Patterson, who is always good for a laugh, has found his newest and brightest way to stop the long line of negativity in Portland. All hail the "Player Code!" Yes, the player code.

Patterson and the team put a full page ad in the newspaper announcing some lower ticket prices, team give away stuff, and such. In the ad, was information about a newly developed player code. Patterson said the code has yet to be drafted, but it will be in place before the Trail Blazers open training camp in October.

Let's talk about this code. The Jail-Blazers have spoken publicly many times about cleaning things up, but they don't get a clue unfortunately. It isn't about a player code, or a fine, or any of that. It is about the goons you have in your locker room! Hello! Seriously, how stupid is this man.

Do you think that a "code," is going to stop Damon Stoudamire from smoking pot, or Rasheed Wallace from treating refs like little brothers. I don't think so. These guys make like a zillion dollars. They could care less about a code, where if they violate there will be some fines. What is this an insurance firm? Sure, give the guys an employee handbook. That will work.

Can't you see it folks? Page four will have "No Smoking," in the building, and on page five you can put, so smuggling marijuana onto the team bus? What a joke! How come the Spurs don't need a code? Why? Simply, because Tim Duncan has class. David Robinson has class. The Blazers? They cut class, if you know what I mean!

Good Luck, Mr. Patterson. May the force be with you. Hey if that doesn't work, ask Damon for a favor.

Portland "Jail-Blazers" -- Smacked!!!

Smack This: The Heat is On -- Once is an accident. Twice is suspicious. Three times is way past extreme. Wide Receiver Donald Hayes, became the third Jacksonville Jaguar in training camp to pass out from the heat.

Hayes tried to sit up at one point, then fell back again, and finally was placed on a stretcher and rushed to a waiting ambulance. He is okay, thankfully. However, this incident raises a ton of questions.

First of all, how the hell does this happen to three guys? Second, it is hot as hell in Miami, and it is humid and disgusting up her in New York, yet the Giants, the Dolphins, and the Jets are just fine. Why is that? Is that French guy who drugged his kid's tennis opponents, drugging the Jags? No, I am not really trying to blame this on the French.

J.J. Stokes, newly acquired by the Jags, may have opened the door to that answer.

"I just know we've done a lot of running the last three days," he said. "A lot of receivers are kind of hurt ... with nicks and dings and aren't able to perform. So it's a lot of running on all of us that are there."

So, let me see here. We have a first year coach in Jack Del Rio, a former Bill Romanowski type guy on the field, trying to turn a team around. We have a bunch of new players who are learning a new system. We have a player talking about running a lot.

Oh boy. I think Mr. Del Rio is working these guys just a little hard. You know what. I hate, as you have seen, when athletes complain, but after a pitcher in baseball dies of ephedra, and more importantly to this situation, the Minnesota Vikings experience a death a couple of years ago, you cannot take this lightly. Let me repeat that. You cannot take the heat lightly.

Let the guys sit. Let them drink water. Whatever it takes. The worst thing for the new coach in Jacksonville, would be if one of these guys was fatally injured. People are now starting to talk about what's going on down there, so Mr. Del Rio better be on his best behavior in practice!

Jack Del Rio -- Smacked!!!

Smack This: The Terminator -- For the first time ever in this column, I am going to touch on something outside of sports. As I am sure you know, Arnold Schwartzenegger is indeed running for the governor spot out in California.

Now, as an ex-California boy, I know that Gray Davis isn't exactly loved out there, to say the least. Their budget is a nightmare, they have issues with education, and their businesses are all looking to scoot.

However, Arnold? Are you kidding me? I almost died laughing watching that press conference yesterday. The man is an idiot. The number one quality of any good politician is sounding like you are smarter than you are. Ask our president!

However, the Terminator, doesn't come close to doing so. His accent just cannot be taken seriously. He says education, and I think "It's not a tumor," from Kindergarten Cop. He says budget cuts, and I think "You have been erased," from Eraser. It's just too weird for me.

I hope he wins though. Maybe his campaign manager will be the winner of Freddy and Jason after their big screen clash? Stay tuned!

Arnold the Governor -- Smacked!!!

One for the Road: Just a thought on the Yankees. You know my thoughts on Joe Torre. While he has done a great job in N.Y. with the Yankees, I cannot forget when he was a laughing stock for my Mets.

Sometimes, these managers get way overrated. Look at the talent he's had. He has easily escaped some terrible decisions because of the guys on that team. I can't help but disagree with what he has been doing with the Yankee lineup. Why is Soriano hitting sixth and seventh?

Here is a guy who is slumping yes, but still has 24 homers and 27 steals. He is the fastest guy on a team that has boppers like Jason Giambi. Don't you want Soriano on base? There is no reason why he shouldn't be hitting before Giambi. I am sorry, but it's obvious. Get a clue Joe. Maybe now that Benitez is gone who can pay attention to the team?

Hit me up with feedback at eSports (click the Write the Editor link) or on my homepage at http://www.suite101.com/myhome.cfm/theycallmethecloser. Come on and click that link already! You can't possibly agree with everything I say!

I'll see you all on Monday. Have a great weekend! Til' then, DON'T be the one who's smacked!