General: Race car driver gets ticket for driving slowly

Race car driver Peter Johnson was recently dropped by his sponsor, San Pedro Steaks & Co., because he received a ticket while driving on Interstate 92 in San Pedro, Wis. To the surprise of many, however, Johnson got the ticket for driving too slow. He was clocked going 31 mph in a 70-mph zone.

"Mr. Johnson was driving so dang slowly, that he was really a danger to everyone else on the road," said Sgt. Bud Peterson of the San Pedro Police Department. "When I got up closer to the car, the guy started shouting at me. He said: 'I know what I'm doing, I'm a real life race car driver, so just leave me alone.' Once he showed me some identification, I realized that he really was a race car driver. This is so pathetic, the guy is a real loser."

Johnson spent one night in the Peter County (Wis.) Jail, he was released on $67 bail. Despite his time in jail, Johnson does not regret his actions on the road.

"Well, let me tell you how it went down, I was going about 31 in a 70 zone" said an irate Johnson. "Sometimes, I just like to take my time and drive slowly, is that a crime? The world moves so fast, I like to take it upon myself to slow things down from time to time."

Regardless of Johnson's benevolent agenda, motorists who witnessed his slow driving were not amused.

"Some dip stick was driving so slowly that I almost rear-ended him," said Horace Mills, a 39-year-old jewelry store salesman. "I thought the guy was having car trouble, then I realized that he was just a moron. Somebody needs to tell this clown: 'The gas pedal is your friend.'"

Following the incident, San Pedro Steaks & Co., which sponsors Johnson on the Wisconsin Motors racing circuit, has withdrawn their support of him.

"After Mr. Johnson's recent ticket for driving slowly on the Interstate, San Pedro Steaks & Co. has decided to sever all ties with him," said Pedro Reyes, Founder and President of San Pedro Steaks and Co. "We thought about it, but I mean come on, how would that make us look? We don't want to be associated with a driver who drives too slowly. Talk about a colossal loser."

The ticket is only the latest incident in a string of bad luck for Johnson. The 23-year-old from Kenosha, Wis., has failed to win a single race in his four-year career as a driver on the Wisconsin Motors circuit. His highest finish was 29th in 2001. Nevertheless, Johnson said that he will attempt to continue his racing career. He is currently searching for a new sponsor.

"I'm just a guy who needs a second chance," said Johnson. "That steak company was full of pansies anyway. I'm a race car driver who likes to take my time, I need a sponsor that respects me for who I am. Yeah, I drive slowly, so what?"

This is a work of fiction. Any references to people or places, real or fictional, is purely coincidental.