General: Sterno's Talkin' Smack -- Episode #32

Sterno's Talkin' smack. No holding back here. It's all trash, all the time. Welcome to the Wednesday morning edition.

Today's topics include the return of the always pathetic Lennox Lewis, an update on the Kobe Bryant case, and the location of Lord Stanley's Cup.

Smack This: Lennox Lewis -- Welcome back to the show Lennox Lewis. Lennox, has been smacked a couple of times before for opening his big mouth and for his disgraceful outing earlier this year against Vitaly Klitschko.

Lewis, if you have somehow forgotten, was fat and slow in the fight against Vitaly, and he trailed on all three judges cards when the fight was called due to a nasty cut above Klitschko's eye. Then, after the disgusting display, Lewis was flapping his black hole of a mouth about how he had whooped the Ukranian's ass, and would do so again if he had the chance.

Shortly thereafter, the fight was all but officially set, as both Lewis' camp and Klitschko's, had wanted to go at. Vitaly had to prove that he was no fluke, and Lewis needed to prove that he could trade in a dozen donuts, for a dozen solid rounds.

Finally, we get a fight that we can look forward to. Or so we thought!

"Lennox has been very public in his comments that he was seriously considering retirement, that he just wasn't sure he wants to go forward," Lewis' attorney, Judd Burstein, said Monday from his home in Westport, Conn. "He is still considering whether he wants to keep fighting.

"It's not a question of whether Lennox can or cannot be ready this year. Of course he can be ready. He chooses not to fight this year while he's considering whether or not he's ever going to fight again."

Oh, Lennox! Quit crying, and tell the truth. You can say it. We all know it. You are afraid and you are a loser. I'll tell you what, while Lewis looks more and more like an idiot, Klitschko continues to get brownie points from me.

"Honestly, it seems to me that Lennox is looking for an easy exit," Klitschko said. "I'm surprised. After all, he demanded an examination from a specialist that my cut has healed. Apparently he's got more respect for me than he indicated. I'm ready and I think it is very sad."

Yes, Vitaly, it certainly is very sad. Let me tell you something. Every single time that I want to believe that the sport of boxing actually has some kind of value, it disappears just as quickly as it arrived. I thought when Holyfield and Tyson got together a few years back that boxing was on its way back, and then Tyson mistook Evander's ear for a piece of steak.

Now, a fight that the world wanted to see is replaced with a cry baby who will I'm sure have some sort of bonehead comments trying to sound all tough and macho. Yeah, Lennox is tough all right. He's just about as tough as a marshmallow.

So, now Lewis faces retirement, and we wonder what his legacy will be. Yeah, he was a good fighter. I don't think it has anything to do with his dumb accent, I really don't, but I still think that Holyfield was the much bigger fighter in this era of the sport. He displayed heart and courage. These are two attributes that baby Lennox has never showed me. All he did was beat up an older Holyfield, a decrepit Tyson, and Riddick "Overrated" Bowe.

Please. I would rather call Butterbean a champ.

Lennox Lewis -- Smacked!!!

Smack This: Kobe Bryant Update -- If it seems like everyday there is some sort of update on this Kobe case, there is! It is not you, it's me. Don't you love when girls say that? Anyway, in all seriousness, the saga has a new twist, and as usual, I am here to bring it to you.

Bobby Pietrack, a bellboy at the famous chateau, the Lodge & Spa at Cordillera, told police that he saw the teenage girl shortly after she left Kobe Bryant's room that famous night.

He told the police that the woman was visibly upset, disheveled and had red marks on her neck and face, according to ESPN. Can you say Uh-Oh? I certainly can. It is not looking good for our friend Mr. Bryant.

Apparently, this bellhop is the first person that the alleged victim cried out to after the incident. Although this will be a big witness in the case, can he really be as charismatic as Kato Kalin. Okay, I know. This isn't the O.J. Simpson trial. I guess that means no Dennis Fung either.

Anyway, the trail of evidence has for the most part, all been negative in the case against Kobe Bryant. Other than the fact that this girl was a little insane, referring to her overdose, and obsessive compulsive behavior, there hasn't been anything going the Lakers' star's way.

In addition, on a side note, Mr. Bryant lost his endorsement deal with the hazelnut spread Nutella, run by Ferraro U.S.A. Is this really a story? I mean, I guess that it is, as it is all over the news. However, I have never, ever heard of this. Maybe if it was a known candy bar, it would be something to cry about.

Never the less, there is no joy in Kobe-Ville right now!

Kobe Bryant Case -- Smacked!!!

Smack This: Where in the world is the Stanley Cup??? -- Have you ever seen those commercials? You know the one. "The Keeper of Lord Stanley's Cup; priceless!" Yeah, well apparently the keeper of the Cup during the season does a much, much better job than the guys on the winning team.

The trophy was missing for almost 24 hours this past week, as the Devils Jiri Bicek, played a large part in the matter.

"From what we understand, the Cup was supposed to have been flown from the United States via Toronto to Vienna, then from the Austrian capital to Kosice," Zdeno Simonides, editor-in-chief of the Sports Daily in Bratislava (Slovakia), told The Sun. "Apparently, the travel arrangements from the U.S. to Toronto were too tight, allowing the two guards to make the transfer, but not the Stanley Cup box on four wheels."

I always have loved how they take the Cup and pass it off, giving each teammate a chance to hold on to it for 24 hours. I really do think it's great. However, I guess there might be some better precautions put in place. I wonder what would happen if it got lost? Now, that would make for some NHL drama!

Supervision of Lord Stanley's Cup -- Smacked!!!

One for the Road: Since today's column was a little shorter, I wanted to go off for a second on something I have been thinking. I love how the New York Rangers always seem to get screwed.

Granted, I am an Islanders fan, but it is overall a funny sight, to see a team spend all that cash and never see it pay off. In the latest example of this, Pavel Bure has seen his career fade and fade to black. Reports are coming in now, that he may not play this year, and is thinking about retirement.

Eight months after surgery on his knee, it is still bothering him to the point that he cannot see himself joining the team in the near future. I do feel bad for Pavel though. First he lost Anna Kournikova, and now he is going to lose his career.

Hey, his brother is still relation to D.J. Tanner from "Full House!" Don't even get me started on that show. I wish it never existed. Those Olsen twins drive me nuts!

Hit me up with feedback at eSports (click the Write the Editor link) or on my homepage at http://www.suite101.com/myhome.cfm/theycallmethecloser. Come on and click that link already! You can't possibly agree with everything I say!

I'll see you all on Thursday. Til' then, DON'T be the one who's smacked!