General: Former third-baseman buys own country

After retiring from the Midwestern Baseball League, Jerry Hillazona got bored. So the former third-baseman for the San Pedro (Wis.) Splash decided to do something different, he bought a country.

"I had all this money from my baseball career and frankly, I got bored -- so I decided to buy my own country," exclaimed Hillazona.

While details of the purchase remain scarce, rumors were circulating that Hillazona's country is located somewhere near Burkina Faso. Hillazona, amused that he is the only one who knows where his country is located, joked with the media about his purchase.

"Some guys buy a bunch of cars, or a big honkin' fishing boat, but that's just not my style," said Hillazona. With a maniacal laugh, he added: "Eat your words, losers -- I bought a country. And it's all mine."

During a Sunday afternoon press conference, Hillazona released some plans for his country. He declared that his country will feature numerous bars and fast-food restaurants.

"My first act as ruler of my own country will be to offer a happy hour that goes all night long," said an elated Hillazona. "Free smoothies all around. None of this 4:00pm to 6:30pm non-sense. All you can drink banana smoothies, all night long. In my country, the party never stops."

In a most unusual move, Hillazona has declared open enrollment into his country, and he invites all interested parties to apply for citizenship.

"First of all, let me just say, humbly, that my country will mop the floor with all the other countries of the world," said Hillazona. "If anyone is interested in becoming a citizen, I encourage you to call 1-877-JERRYROCKS, and we'll get you set up with your own passport, as well as an ID card and a free fruit basket. It's just my way of saying thank you for joining my country."

Hillazona is currently accepting designs for his country's flag. He wants the design to reflect his love for sports.

"Frankly, I'm an awful artist," said Hillazona. "In art class, I once drew a clown, and the art teacher asked me why the shark was biting off the other shark's head -- it was pretty pathetic. But seriously, I want someone to draw a really super cool flag, something that depicts my two favorite sports, baseball and curling."

When he heard about the opportunity to be the flag designer for Hillazona's country, prominent San Pedro artist Peter Peterson was excited, but also a bit confused.

"Whoa, this guy bought his own country," asked an astonished Peterson. "I'd love to design the flag, but wait. what the heck is curling?"

More details about Hillazona's country should be available next week.

This is a work of fiction. Any references to people or places, real or fictional, is purely coincidental.