Sugar - Entry 3
As I continue to read through Mae’s diaries, I am starting to put together her life. I’ve always wondered about my mother loves, her heartbreaks, her successes, and her failures. My mother’s stories have helped me to understand her so much more. She was brave to write down these truthful confessions. This has been a very candid account, and the crystal ball of her life. I know it had to be very painful at times, especially when life wasn’t being kind to her.
I was upset for awhile about Grandpa Arthur Lee’s actions toward her for running off. But then after I talked to him, I understood his disappointment in his only daughter. To this day, Grandpa and Mae have not buried this tragic incident between them. My only hope is one day soon, they will fix this heavy wedge that had driven them apart. Life is too short, and you can’t wait too long for I’m sorry.
Today, I was given a party in appreciation for my hard work and dedication to my career. If they only knew, deep down how much I desire to walk away from the Sugar persona forever. Reading Mae’s diaries has put things in perspective for me, and I want my life to go differently. I want to be able to experience all the first times in my life. Like my first kiss, my first date, and my first love. All the things a girl my age should experience, and what Mae has never allowed me. But to speak out, act out my displeasure is not a course I can take. Therefore, I have resigned myself to living through Mae’s memories, for now at least.
December 31, 1969
Out with the old in with the new, only one hour then I will walk into a new year, a new decade. The seventies will be on the horizon, and I’m expecting my life changes.
I wanted to take a few minutes to dictate to my diary, my thoughts. For the first time, my singing career is not so important. This beautiful man, this deep philosophical musician named John has stolen my heart. Its funny when you’re in love, you wake up with a different outlook on life. You live for spending every waking moment with this person. The touch of their hand, the feel of their lips is forever etched in your mind.
John is a member of one of the other band’s we are touring with. He’s a bit older than me, but I was thinking his worldly years will help me to grow up, and gain life lessons. When he first took an interest in me, I had just given another one of my stellar performances and I was walking back stage. He said, ‘Hey Mae, want to hang out later and jam with me.’ I looked around for a familiar voice to tell me I couldn’t go, and then I realized there was no one to defy my will. I was my own keeper now, so I allowed myself to accept the invitation.
John accompanied me beautifully on his guitar, as I sang for him for hours. Then, we sat and talked about music and its evolutionary change though the years. John is very opinionated and is a free thinker. I just revere in his thoughts, and hang on to his every word. As I think about it now, I never realized how much his free thinking would affect me. Remember when I told you dear diary the first time he told me he loved me? It was after I willingly gave him my body, mind, and soul. However, after two perfect weeks of John belonging only to me, things begin to transform.
Sometimes dear diary, love doesn’t equal out, the equations don’t add up, the averages and the percentages are uneven. You can love someone more than they love you, and I think this has become the case with John. Although, he has taken my hand and shown me some things, John wishes to spread his love. During the pass months I have caught him in compromising positions, relationships he claim are totally meaningless. He says I am been prudish, due to my southern upbringing. However, I feel he is mistaken, because there is nothing wrong with wanting to have someone totally devoted to you. I’ve begun to ask myself these questions. Should I resist the laws of John’s nature, and move on? Or shall I buy into his vision of free love? Dear diary, it will be hard to give him up, we are a match, with the same interest. Both of us want to put ourselves second and our careers first.
I have refused to listen to conventional wisdom, and have made a conscious decision to stay with John. My immature sixteen year old mind has told me love can conqueror all. It’s funny in life how we try to direct our lives in the way we want them. We are self assured if we point ourselves in the right direction, our life will somehow fall in place. We never worry if we are deserving of happy endings, and the gift of a perfect utopia. We tend to have the selfish notion life owes us. Maybe, this is the rationality of my relationship with John. I somehow feel life owes me. I have given up so much, and this small slice of happiness should be my recompense.
My mind worries as I close this entry tonight, dear diary. So much is unresolved, such as my relationship with John, and my singing career. However, there is one place I can always find solace, and that is in you. Happy New Year!
© Copyright 2004 ZE Harris, author
I was upset for awhile about Grandpa Arthur Lee’s actions toward her for running off. But then after I talked to him, I understood his disappointment in his only daughter. To this day, Grandpa and Mae have not buried this tragic incident between them. My only hope is one day soon, they will fix this heavy wedge that had driven them apart. Life is too short, and you can’t wait too long for I’m sorry.
Today, I was given a party in appreciation for my hard work and dedication to my career. If they only knew, deep down how much I desire to walk away from the Sugar persona forever. Reading Mae’s diaries has put things in perspective for me, and I want my life to go differently. I want to be able to experience all the first times in my life. Like my first kiss, my first date, and my first love. All the things a girl my age should experience, and what Mae has never allowed me. But to speak out, act out my displeasure is not a course I can take. Therefore, I have resigned myself to living through Mae’s memories, for now at least.
December 31, 1969
Out with the old in with the new, only one hour then I will walk into a new year, a new decade. The seventies will be on the horizon, and I’m expecting my life changes.
I wanted to take a few minutes to dictate to my diary, my thoughts. For the first time, my singing career is not so important. This beautiful man, this deep philosophical musician named John has stolen my heart. Its funny when you’re in love, you wake up with a different outlook on life. You live for spending every waking moment with this person. The touch of their hand, the feel of their lips is forever etched in your mind.
John is a member of one of the other band’s we are touring with. He’s a bit older than me, but I was thinking his worldly years will help me to grow up, and gain life lessons. When he first took an interest in me, I had just given another one of my stellar performances and I was walking back stage. He said, ‘Hey Mae, want to hang out later and jam with me.’ I looked around for a familiar voice to tell me I couldn’t go, and then I realized there was no one to defy my will. I was my own keeper now, so I allowed myself to accept the invitation.
John accompanied me beautifully on his guitar, as I sang for him for hours. Then, we sat and talked about music and its evolutionary change though the years. John is very opinionated and is a free thinker. I just revere in his thoughts, and hang on to his every word. As I think about it now, I never realized how much his free thinking would affect me. Remember when I told you dear diary the first time he told me he loved me? It was after I willingly gave him my body, mind, and soul. However, after two perfect weeks of John belonging only to me, things begin to transform.
Sometimes dear diary, love doesn’t equal out, the equations don’t add up, the averages and the percentages are uneven. You can love someone more than they love you, and I think this has become the case with John. Although, he has taken my hand and shown me some things, John wishes to spread his love. During the pass months I have caught him in compromising positions, relationships he claim are totally meaningless. He says I am been prudish, due to my southern upbringing. However, I feel he is mistaken, because there is nothing wrong with wanting to have someone totally devoted to you. I’ve begun to ask myself these questions. Should I resist the laws of John’s nature, and move on? Or shall I buy into his vision of free love? Dear diary, it will be hard to give him up, we are a match, with the same interest. Both of us want to put ourselves second and our careers first.
I have refused to listen to conventional wisdom, and have made a conscious decision to stay with John. My immature sixteen year old mind has told me love can conqueror all. It’s funny in life how we try to direct our lives in the way we want them. We are self assured if we point ourselves in the right direction, our life will somehow fall in place. We never worry if we are deserving of happy endings, and the gift of a perfect utopia. We tend to have the selfish notion life owes us. Maybe, this is the rationality of my relationship with John. I somehow feel life owes me. I have given up so much, and this small slice of happiness should be my recompense.
My mind worries as I close this entry tonight, dear diary. So much is unresolved, such as my relationship with John, and my singing career. However, there is one place I can always find solace, and that is in you. Happy New Year!
© Copyright 2004 ZE Harris, author
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