General: Yallons voted most popular in Midwestern Baseball League

There's more to Edgar Yallons than one might think. Voted the Midwestern Baseball League's most popular employee, the 29-year-old Public Relations (PR) assistant for the San Pedro Splash baseball team (San Pedro, Wis.) would rather let his accomplishments speak for themselves.

"I'm not a flashy guy," said Yallons, who was sporting a teal t-shirt and a bowler hat. "I just like to get out there and do my job well. If people enjoy my company, that's an added bonus."

As a PR assistant, Yallons coordinates a number of advertising campaigns for the San Pedro Splash.

"My job is to make sure that the ad campaigns for the Splash run smoothly," said Yallons. "I have to convince a bunch of these gullible business owners in Upper Wisconsin that our rinky-dink excuse for a baseball team is a good, solid investment. Let me tell you, some days, it's not easy."

To counteract daily stress, Yallons organized nightly get-togethers at the local bingo hall.

"Nothing relaxes me like bingo," said a confident Yallons. "I just sit down and I can play for hours... It's like an addiction, but a good one. It's just me, my bingo card, and 36 other losers who have nothing better to do with themselves. It's really peaceful, you should try it sometime."

Co-workers say that Yallons' bingo nights are a big part of the reason that he was selected to receive the Most Valuable And/Or Popular Employee (MVAOPE) award.

"Edgar brings us all together, man," said Reggie Wellers, a 37-year-old secretary for the San Pedro Splash. "What this man has done, with these bingo nights, is absolutely legendary. Bringing people together for bingo, wow, it rocks my world. Whoever thought using the alphabet could be so fun?" Wellers asked rhetorically.

Yallons was humbled and honored by the praise he received -- for the most part, that is.

"I won this award, and everyone is making a big deal out of it," said Yallons. "But all I got is this pathetic looking plaque. Where's the car? The raise? The huge parking space? If I was really important around here, these clowns would at least buy me a coffeemaker."

So while Yallons waits for his coffeemaker, those around the office continue to sing his praises.

"This man is awesome," said Karl Nollan, a copy boy for the San Pedro Splash's Media Relations department. "He's a modest and humble man. This is a guy who deeply respects those around him. He's a model citizen, and I love him like a son," said a teary-eyed Nollan.

Back in his cubicle, Yallons was trying to melt down the metal from his plaque in order to sell it at a local pawn shop.

"If I can just melt the gold off of this plaque, maybe I can sell the gold and buy something really sweet, like some knives to use around the house - or a stun gun," said Yallons. "I'm leaving my options open right now, I'm just blessed to have received this award. Thank you to everybody for believing in me. I hope that we can share many more hours playing the pathetic - yet addicting -- game of bingo. "

This is a work of fiction. Any references to people or places, real or fictional, are purely coincidental.