General: Catcher steals ice cream truck

Brian Perez, 23, a catcher for the San Pedro Splash baseball team (San Pedro, Wis.) was arrested Saturday after stealing an ice cream truck from the San Pedro Dairy.

"What can I say, I got hungry and so I did what I had to, I stole an ice cream truck," said Perez. "It was a hot day, and I couldn't do without some Mint Chocolate Chip. I know it was wrong. In this summer heat, I am but a slave to the deliciousness of ice cream."

This infraction marks Perez's first brush with the law, but Perez said he feels no remorse for his actions.

"I've never done anything wrong before, but what can I say? A man has his limits," he said. "I needed the ice cream, my soul was hungry for it. How can I deny my soul?" asked a passionate Perez.

While Perez lists Mint Chocolate Chip as his favorite flavor, he says that his soul yearns for many varieties of ice cream.

"There are some days when I hear voices telling me, 'Brian, it's a Peppermint Bon-Bon day,'" said Perez. "These urges are primal, that's when I know I need the ice cream."

While teammates consider Perez to be "just one of the guys", they openly admit that his love of ice cream seems a bit excessive.

"The guy is weird, I think he has a thing for ice cream," said Louis Bilan, a relief pitcher for the Splash. "I mean, most people lust after women, or cars, this guy goes ga-ga over Rocky Road. What a loser."

Others on the team agreed.

"Brian has a real hang-up when it comes to ice cream," said Himan Jonason, the closer for the Splash. "For him to actually go and steal an ice cream truck, you know he has to be in pretty deep. It's the sad culmination to a pathetic -- but really funny -- story. An ice cream addict, who would have thought?"

The state of Wisconsin has never tried someone for stealing an ice cream truck, so legal scholars say the case may set a precedent.

"We're looking at the Perez case as the marker for future ice cream related incidents," said Peter Gloviczki IV, Professor of Constitutional Law and Politics at the University of Pedro, in San Pedro. "There may need to be a '12-step program' for ice cream addicts like Perez, a way for them to 'de-frost' and 'cool down,' if you pardon my witty puns. Regardless, this case is special. You remember Tickle-Me-Elmo, New Kids on the Block, and Chia Pets? This case is at least as important as all of those seasonal fads. Perez has admitted to stealing the truck, now we have to wait to see what his punishment will be. The case promises to be a doozie."

Gloviczki IV declined to give specifics, but said he looked forward to the outcome of the case. Sentencing begins on Monday.

This is a work of fiction, any references to people or places, real or fictional, are purely coincidental.