Blind dating at the ballpark

By Ryan Noonan Sports Central Columnist

If you've ever had a first date with someone you don't really know, you've had the feeling. It's that, "nervous, excited, what do I say, am I talking too much, do I have something hanging from my nose" feeling.

If the night is going well, that can turn into the "weird sensation in the pit of your stomach when you're riding a roller coaster" feeling. Of course, if the night has been a disaster, it can seem more like "watching a movie with your mom when a nude scene comes on" feeling. Not cool.

Part of the key to making the night a success is picking the right venue for a first date. For many sports fans, the thought of combining a first date with a trip to the ballpark can be a very tempting idea.

There are times when taking a girl to a baseball game can be your golden path to success. However, in order to get there, you have to make sure you follow some very simple, yet often forgotten rules. While the ballpark can provide a very personal, sometimes romantic (see the suites at the Sky Dome) atmosphere, it can also be a potential minefield that can ruin your shot at a second date.

The following are ten rules that must be obeyed in order to survive a first date at the ballpark. Along with each rule, I have also included a real life example. These have either happened to me, one of my friends, or occurred at a game I attended.

So sit back, take notes, and remember, I accept no responsibility if any of these rules somehow backfire on you.

Rule #1: Show Me the Money.

Unless this is your first trip to the ballpark, you should be well aware that the whole experience is designed to bleed you dry. If you think your only expense is going to be tickets, you have another thing coming.

Parking, food, drinks, souvenirs, and especially beer are going to tap you out quicker than a two kegger on Arizona State University's campus. Hit that ATM before the game and hit it hard. Nothing is more embarrassing than having your date right next to you when you realize you don't have enough money to cover the $14 hotdog, nacho, and beer combination.

Real Life Example: During first semester of last year, I was at a Cardinals game with a few friends and some girls. All the guys took turns buying rounds for the girls. By the time it was my turn, I had already eaten dinner and bought a Cardinals hat for my date. Needless to say, I spent an inning and a half searching for an ATM machine. By the time I got back, another friend of mine was sitting next to my date. They have now been dating for seven months.

Rule #2: Don't Lose Your Cool Getting to the Game.

You can avoid this if you live by a stadium that has a transit system. However, if your stadium happens to be in the middle of a thriving metropolis, then more likely than not, you are driving to the game.

It may be just as important to keep your cool here as it will be later on. Remember, if this is a first date, this is the first impression you are making on this girl. I'm pretty sure slamming your hands against the wheel and cursing the mother of the guy who just cut you off is not going to make you look like a good guy. This date could be over before the first pitch is thrown. It's best to act against your natural instincts and be as polite a driver as possible.

Real Life Example: I don't actually have any that involve having a female in the car. But nothing pisses me off faster than trying to maneuver through rush hour and ballpark traffic. The profanity meter is off the charts.

Rule #3: Stock Up Before You Sit Down.

It won't seem like a big deal right away. You get in, you find your seats, you hear the starting lineups, you listen to the National Anthem, your team takes the field, the pitcher is warmed up and the ump yells, "Play Ball!" Only then does she mention how she was running late and couldn't eat dinner. Or utters something like "Are you hungry?" or my favorite, "The game lasts three hours? Does that mean we won't eat until 10?"

It's best to avoid this by just getting the food beforehand. Plus, it always helps you look like a nice guy when you offer before she asks. Unless you're with one of those ladies who prefers jerks. And what's up with that, anyway? How come the nice guy always gets the shaft? ... Nevermind, that's a whole different column. (One they won't let me write -- something about "not having to do with sports" -- whatever the heck that means.)

Real Life Example: In high school, I had been spending all kinds of time with this girl. We had been on a few dates, so it wasn't a "first date," but we were still in that "unsure about each other, give the fake laugh when the other person tells a joke" stage. Well, we had just gotten to the ballpark and I asked if she wanted anything. No, she was okay. We got our seats and I got up to use the restroom and asked again; no, she was okay. Finally, two batters into the game, she leans over and says how good nachos sound. It was everything I could do not roll my eyes and sigh.

Rule #4: Look at Them as Saferooms, Not Bathrooms.

The other mistake I made in the example above was misuse of my bathroom brakes. Do not underestimate the bathroom trip; it can be your best friend during a first date. Whether used as a refuge from a date gone bad, or as a mercy trip when you have run out of things to say and fallen into that awkward stage, the bathroom is a valuable tool during any situation.

However, it can only be used two, or in case of an emergency, three times during a baseball game. Any more than that, and you're running the risk of looking like someone who either has a disorder or had Taco Bell for dinner. I'm guessing that isn't a big turn on for the ladies.

Real Life Example: The example from Rule #3 is a good case of bathroom mismanagement. They're like get out of jail free cards; they should be used wisely.

Rule #5: Baseball Genius = Single Guy.

On a first date, most people tend to be a little bit nervous. Things get worse when there is silence between the two. Unfortunately, baseball is a slower paced game and can lead to down time. Some people will do anything to fill the air with conversation, even if it means rattling off meaningless statistics.

Believe it or not, most girls do not care who leads the league in most sacrifice bunts or which guy won the 1983 ALCS MVP. I know, this was a shock to me, too. Remember, you're not with a buddy. No matter how tempting it may be to share your vast trivial knowledge of the Milwaukee Brewers, for the sake of a second date, just keep it to yourself.

Real Life Example: One of the burdens I must bear in life is that I have an uncanny knack for remembering useless baseball trivia. On one of my first trips to a ballgame with a girl, fortunately not a date, just a friend, I told her how I could name every team that had won and lost the World Series since 1979. She just gave her fake laugh and told me she didn't believe me.

I got to 1987 before I realized she was giving me one of those "Are you serious, I hope no one else can hear this, because you are a complete loser" looks. It became a valuable learning experience for the future.

Rule #6: Keep It Simple, Stud.

Which scenario sounds most like you?

Scenario 1

Girl: "I don't get it."

Guy: "That's weird. It should be really easy to understand, when Damon and Shea are on first and second and there are less than two outs and Nomaaah, who, by the way, is the greatest shortstop in Red Sox history, anyway, he hits a "can of corn" on the infield then he's automatically out so Jeter can't purposely let the ball drop and get an easy DP."

Scenario 2

Girl "I don't get it."

Guy: "Yeah, that can be a tricky one to understand. If there are two runners on base, and the batter pops it up, the batter is automatically out. Otherwise, the fielder could let the ball drop and it would turn into an easy double play."

Scenario 3

Girl: "I don't get it."

Guy: "Shut up and let me watch the game."

Now, just take a guess as to which response is going to earn points to a goodnight kiss and which ones will leave you watching "Nash Bridges" on USA as soon as the date is over.

If you said Scenario 2, you should do well. Of course, if you said Scenario 3, you fall into that "jerk" category, and you'll probably end up getting a lot more than a goodnight kiss.

If you went with Scenario 1 .. it's okay, buddy, at least you had a first date.

Real Life Example: I'm going to use this space to state, for the record, that there are many girls who follow baseball closely and who know just as much about it as any other guy fanatic. Not all girls are completely void of any and all baseball knowledge, just like not all girls have pillow fights in their undergarments during sleepovers. There are lots of girls who could go toe-to-toe with any man on baseball knowledge. It just so happens that I have never taken one to a baseball game.

Rule #7: Loser Alert.

Under no circumstances should you bring your glove to the game or make an attempt to keep score. And I'm not talking about just when you're on a first date. I'm saying you should never do this.

Real Life Example: A friend of mine would always bring his glove to the games. Even in college, no matter how much grief we gave him, he never went to a baseball game without his mitt. Finally, he was on a double date with a girl he had never met before. Here's how their first meaningful conversation went:

Girl: "You bring your baseball glove to games?"

Guy: "Uh, yeah."

Girl: "My dad told my brother to stop bringing his when he was 12. He said it was something only little kids do."

Guy: "Oh."

Two things never happened after that game. Those two never talked again and my buddy never brought his glove to another game.

Rule #8: Be the Bigger Man.

My grandfather always said, "I never started a fight, but I always made sure I finished it." Yeah, don't use this advice at the ballpark.

Girls see nothing wrong with wearing an outfit consisting of short shorts and a skimpy white tank top. Personally, I see nothing wrong with them wearing it either. But if you're lucky enough to have a date sporting this fashion trend, be prepared for the consequences.

Guys will stare. They may smile or wink. And I guarantee there will always be either a drunk guy three rows up, making those obscene comments just loud enough for you to hear, but not loud enough for her.

It is not okay to retaliate. Trust me, things like this usually escalate to the point where punches are thrown and people are booted from the park. If you're going to do anything, make sure you send your date up the aisle before you comment on the drunk guy being fat and alone. Then high tail it up and find new seats.

Real Life Example: At Wrigley Field, I watched two guys get into a fistfight after some comments were made about someone's girlfriend. Well, actually it was after the boyfriend dumped his beer on the guy's head. Never mind that the girl looked like she was ready to start dancing around a metal pole. But in the end, there were punches thrown and both guys were tossed.

Rule #8a: Tunnel Vision.

There can be a lot of tempting sights at the ballgame. Keep your eyes focused either on the baseball field or your date. Girls always seem to know when you're checking someone else out. Even when they don't say anything, they know.

Rule #9: Beware of the Beer.

This has bad news written all over it. First off, nothing ruins a date faster than a guy getting hammered. It's like watching Mr. Hyde turn into Dr. Jackass. Some guys need a few drinks to loosen up. I like to call that being an alcoholic. First dates like to call that "Oh my God, I am never going out with that guy again."

Plus, there is nothing worse than being smashed and having to fight traffic on your way out. And in this case, the date may come to an end before you even get to your car.

"TAXI!!!"

Real Life Example: About a month ago, I attended a Saturday double-header with my dad. It was 95 degrees at game time for the first game and we were right in the sun. I didn't think it could get any better than a full day of baseball with dad picking up the bill for everything (except for the beer; at $6 a cup, he said I was on my own).

Well, it did get better. A guy and his date sat down about five rows in front of us. He was holding a beer in each hand. One for him, the other for ... him. Nothing like double-fisting before the game has even started. Because of the lack of attendance, I had a perfect view of the action.

As the game went by, he got a little louder, and he became much more comfortable with the "touchy-feely" stuff. By the time the seventh inning stretch was here, he was through six beers and flagged down the beer guy for another. It was at this time his date called him some sort of unprintable name and stormed away. The guy stood up to follow her out, then promptly fell right over into the next row of seats. Priceless.

Rule #10: Swallowing the Team Pride.

This does not apply in every situation, but it does in more cases than you might realize. If you happen to be on a first date, and she happens to be a big fan of the other team and your team happens to win ... in no way should you make an attempt to brag or put down her team! Ever. This goes for a first date or a tenth date. If you think girls can't get as passionate as guys about sports and their teams, you are dead wrong. Even if you've been a perfect gentleman and the entire night has gone fantastic, you can ruin it all by rubbing a win by your team in her face. Not cool, not cool at all.

Real Life Example: This isn't about baseball, but same concept. During my last year in college, my fraternity decided to do our formal dance out of town on a lake. Our first night down there just happened to be the same night as the NCAA Regional Semifinals. My favorite team was playing for a chance to go to their first Final Four since 1993. I could not wait for the game to start.

Unfortunately, I learned that my date's absolute favorite team just happened to by their opponent. She spent the whole game talking smack and cheering every time her team scored, I spent the whole game literally biting my tongue because I knew I would pay later for any comments made.

When my team won in the last minute, I neither cheered nor celebrated. I simply put my hand on her shoulder, got up, went outside and spent the next three minutes screaming at the top of my lungs at how great the Kansas Jayhawks are.

A potentially weekend-ruining situation was averted because I was able to hold my tongue.

That's it. These are the ten rules to surviving a first date at the ballpark. Follow these rules and you should give yourself a good chance for date #2. If you have any more rules to add, or have any Real Life Experiences you would like to share, let me have them at ryannoonan@sports-central.org. Just don't e-mail looking for any tips beyond date #2.

The dating scene can be tricky. My advice is that if you ever meet a girl who loves baseball as much as you, marry her. You can work the rest out later.

Article courtesy of Sports Central.