General: Bowlers accused of steroid use

Markus Petersson sits at home and watches the rain hit the windows. The lifelong San Pedro Wis., resident is mourning the loss of the San Pedro Jumping Frogs, a local bowling team.

The team has been expelled from the Northern Wisconsin Bowling League (NWBL) after accusations that Petersson and three other members of the Jumping Frogs were taking anabolic steroids.

"These accusations are baloney," said an irate Petersson. "Bowlers are generally good people. Now that our team is being taken away from us, I don't even know what I will do with myself. They are going to take our team? Why don't those losers just take my soul."

Although NWBL officials have shown no desire to take Petersson's soul, it appears the league will issue swift consequences.

"These gentlemen are demeaning the glorious sport of bowling," said Hans Bighmann, President of the NWBL. "They must be punished, and they will be punished."

No criminal charges have been filed, but Bighmann said legal action is being considered.

"Bowling leagues thrive on trust," said Bighmann. "Like a marriage, the fraternity of bowlers in the NWBL survives only through the good will and honesty of its members. If you can't trust your fellow bowler, who can you trust," asked a baffled Bighmann.

Petersson understands the concerns of league officials, but he is asking the NWBL for a hearing on the issue.

"I'm a bowler, so you know I'm being honest when I say that my word is my bond," said Petersson. "I just want them to see my side of the story. There is more here than is being told."

Petersson said he was ready to convene the hearing immediately. The others accused in the case, however, do not seem as eager. Lonny Padilla, 25, Margorie Jones, 32, and John Nygaard, 71, were not willing to comment for this story. A spokesman for the three individuals said they were "busy doing something." No specifics were available at press time.

"The good name of the NWBL is being smeared with mud," said Bighmann. "If these four losers think they can take down my beloved bowling league, they're wrong. People like this shouldn't be allowed to bowl ever again - not even 'Bumper Bowling.' These men are slimy fools, we need to put the smack down."

Back at his San Pedro duplex, a dejected Petersson drank a milkshake and stared blankly out the window.

"I didn't take steroids," wailed Petersson. "I only took performance enhancing supplements, and those are completely different -- right?"

A decision in the case is expected next week.

This is a work of fiction. Any references to people or places, real or fictional, are purely coincidental.