David Mckie: Elsewhere

Stork have gone out of business, as have Viking Greenford, Wyke Smugglers, Penkhull and Gnosall Horns. Tap and Barrel are now St Loye's, Purfleet are Thurrock, Flexsys Cefn Druids have become NEWI Cefn Druids, and Warth Fold, with a touch of hubris, have renamed themselves Manchester Titans. But all is much as before at the International Stadium, Greatness Park, Behind the Post Office, Back of the Village Hall, and Adjacent to 77 Billericay Road - the respective addresses of Gateshead of the Northern Premier League first division, Sevenoaks Town of the Kent League, Llanfairpwll of the Cymru Alliance, Barwick of the West Yorkshire League and Herongate Athletic of the Essex Intermediate.

It isn't only the Man Uniteds and Arsenals for whom the big kick-off arrives this weekend. It is also thousands of uncelebrated and often near-destitute clubs where no player arrives in a Porsche, the chairman drives a Ford Fiesta, and year follows year without even a glimpse of a Russian tycoon with £70m to spend.

The ambition, though, is much the same as at Old Trafford or Highbury: to do better this season than last. That may be beyond Llandudno Cricketers, who won all their games (10) in the Gwynedd League first division in 2002-03, but nothing less will do for Thringstone Miners Welfare of the Leicester and District League and Helsby of the Carlsberg West Cheshire. I came across both when I wrote last winter about a man called James Wright, who week by week not only logs results for the Non-League Paper but updates around 80 league tables consisting of the best part of 2,000 clubs.

But now I've been sent a still more astonishing feat of research: Wright's Cherry Red Non-League Newsdesk Annual 2003 (all good sports booksellers, £7.95), which charts last season's results in some 120 leagues, comprising 390 divisions, and involving more than 5,500 sides (nearly 60 of which, I am sorry to say, have AFC stuck on the front of their names). They range from the giants of the Football Conference, from where successful teams soar into the Football League, to tiny clubs like Colombia, which took just one point last season in the premier division of the Wimbledon and District League, succumbing week after week to the might of Independiente, Putney Corinthians, Agricola, Rivelino City and AFC Cubo.

When I first caught sight of Helsby in February they had played 23 games, lost the lot, and scored just nine goals while conceding 117. Thringstone Miners, then of the Everards Leicestershire Senior, had outdone even that: after 19 games, their total of points was minus three, as they'd suffered a three-point penalty for some imperfection. As the Cherry Red annual shows, by achieving three draws towards the end of the season they had pushed their points total back up to nil.

There was no such resurrection at Helsby, which finished the season still without points and only 12 goals to their credit against 140 thumped past their aghast custodian. One had scarcely expected to find them there this season, but in fact they have retained their place in the top division, since Stork dropped out without completing their programme and Poulton Victoria Reserves could not accept promotion from the second division, as that would have pitted them against their superiors, Poulton Victoria.

At the end of the 90s, Helsby - then Helsby BICC, an echo of their origins as the works side of British Insulated Callender's Cables - were collecting trophies. Then, in a drama familiar at this level of football, their manager left and took some of the best players with him; other players, sensing that failure loomed, also decamped. They limped through last season with a squad of eager but raw young players.

But this season is going to be different. Paul Nicholls, who is their assistant manager as well as their treasurer, says they've found a new player-coach and have signed as many new players as Chelsea, though of course for rather less money. They've won three of their five pre-season friendlies. And either fate or a kindly scheduler has contrived to give them a game this Saturday against Christleton, against whom they got their best result all last season - a 0-1 defeat, with a goal at the very end of the game.

Words like "hope" and "confidence" are once again being heard in the clubhouse. And just in case some Russian multimillionaire happens to see this piece: their address is Helsby Sports and Social Club, Helsby, Cheshire and their telephone number is 01928 722267. You can leave a message on the answerphone. I'm sure they'll get back to you.