General: Sterno's Talkin' Smack -- Episode #36

Sterno's Talkin' smack. No holding back here. It's all trash, all the time. Welcome to the Tuesday morning edition.

Today's extravaganza is dedicated to Rafael Palmeiro's decision to stay in Texas, the Clippers' refusal to let go of Lamar Odom and the plight of the New York Yankees.

Smack This: Rafael Palmeiro -- Remember in the movie "When Harry Met Sally," when that famous line, "I'll have what she's having," came about? Yeah, well apparently so do Juan Gonzalez and Rafael Palmeiro, because whatever brand of idiot stew, Gonzalez was eating, he has fed to Palmeiro.

Are you confused? Well, do you remember on the stage about a month or so ago, when we talked about Juan Gonzalez' ridiculous decision to veto a trade to Montreal. He had chosen losing and mediocrity, over winning and the possibility of the playoffs.

Now, so has Rafael Palmeiro. Every time you see this guy on an interview, it is tough to bash him. He's nice, considerate, and a true class act. However, let's be honest here. His Viagra commercials are completely obnoxious, and hitting his 500th homerun was about as climactic as a test of the Emergency Broadcasting System.

Palmiero, who was a Chicago Cub when he was just breaking into the league, turned down a chance to return to Wrigley, and make a run at the playoffs. Yes, even though his contract is nearing the end of its run (year's end), and he has never come close to winning a championship, he has decided to stay in Texas.

While Texas fans, will chant about his loyalty, I will rant about his stupidity. Listen to what he said, and make your own judgment.

"I'm staying here and helping this team get back to .500 because that is a possibility and it would be a great thing if we were able to do that," Palmeiro told MLB.com. "I want to help them do it and in the meantime, hopefully work something out so I could finish my career here."

Excuse me? Let me get this straight, Mr. Consistency. You are a possible future Hall of Famer, whose career would be officially capped with a championship trophy. You are on a team with less than no chance to ever win anything, in a city that is waiting for the NFL. You had the chance to go to one of the top five sports towns in all of baseball, to help take a team with Sammy Sosa, and two great young arms, to the next level. Is that right? And, you turned it down? What am I missing, here?

The answer is nothing. We learned about "Raffy," this week, folks. He doesn't give a crap about winning, as long as he pads his stats. So, next time somebody mentions him for the Hall of Fame on one of these TV shows, change the channel.

Yeah, I said it.

Rafael Palmeiro -- Smacked!!!

Smack This: Los Angeles Clippers -- If you ever have one of those days as a fan, where you need a reason to go on living, think of the Clippers. You know what I mean. One of those days, when your team blew the game in the ninth, dropped a pass at the goal line, missed an open net. Think of the Clippers. When you get buy tickets because they are always sold out, the lines at the concession stand is too long, and you can't believe they play in weather that bad, think of the Clippers.

Yes, the laughing stock that pretends to be an NBA franchise has been making us giggle like little girls for years. Nothing changes, I am afraid. Luckily for us, that is!

Over this off-season, the Clippers have actually done a good job at paying attention. Although they allowed bust acquisition Andre Miller to walk, they did re-claim their rights to Corey Maggette and Elton Brand. This is despite the fact that both of them tried to leave.

That's right folks. The Clippers and their spearhead Elgin Baylor, made them stay. You see, these two were restricted free agents, as was Miller. Both of them signed contracts with other teams. Both of them wanted to leave. However, in this NBA quandary, the team can match the offer to the player within a certain time frame, and keep them under contract. The Clips did exactly that. Now they have two disgruntled players under their wing.

As Lionel Richie said, "Once, twice, three times a lady," so go the Clippers. Okay, nobody is calling Lamar Odom a woman, but this is the approach Los Angeles has. Odom wants to leave LA desperately. Not only did he sign an offer sheet with the Miami Heat to play for Pat Riley, but publicly he has pretty much blasted the entire Clipper organization.

Despite all of that, Odom is most likely to be matched, as were Brand and Maggette. Are the Clippers stupid? Yes. However, they are also very stubborn. A ton of stock was put in Odom as the next hope for the organization, when they got him. Letting him go, would almost admit that they were wrong. While you and I would find it easy to call a lot of things that the Clippers do wrong, it isn't so easy on their end.

Still, Lamar is none too happy, and ready to beg Elgin himself.

"As soon I get back, I'm going to try to get him on the phone, and on Monday morning I'll be right in his office to tell him," Odom continued. "I'm just trying to let the Clippers understand it's my time to move on. It's in my best interests and it's in their best interests."

Yeah, sounds like a great idea to keep him! All this pathetic franchise needs is another cry baby who doesn't want to be there. You know that saying two wrongs don't make a right? Well Elgin, three pissed off guys don't make a team! Get a clue. Let him go already.

Los Angeles Clippers -- Smacked!!!

Smack This: New York Yankees -- If you are tired of me bashing the Yankees, too bad. I simply love it. Especially when it's so damn easy! Over the past three weeks, the Yankees have lost series to their main American League competition. The Red Sox, the Oakland A's, and the Seattle Mariners are the teams I refer to. So, what were the reasons the Yankees lost? The bullpen. The bullpen. Again, it was the bullpen.

Yes, on all three occasions, the Yankees were defeated by, well themselves. The newly discovered bullpen, including latest returnee, Jeff Nelson, have been shook, rattled, and rolled over like a bunch of minor leaguers. No matter, what notes Joe Torre has played, they have come in out of tune.

Jesse Orosco has been nothing short of terrible, Antonio Osuna has been a complete bust, and Jeff Nelson got rocked by his old crew. So now what? Deadline deals are done at this point. Almost all waiver opportunities are by the waste side, aside from what has already been done. The only thing left to do as a Yankee fan, is hope.

Yeah, well if I were you, I would hope the starters can go nine innings in the playoffs, or at least get you straight to Mariano. If not, it's another disappointing year for Mr. Steinbrenner!

Yankees -- Smacked!!!

One for the Road: To further my comments from last week, I am really amused by this California Governor's race. Possibly the funniest part of the whole story, is the fact that actor (if you want to call him that), Gary Coleman has joined the fray. Is that Arnold Drummond from Different Strokes? Yes, yes it is!

I think that he and Arnold should band together in a joint campaign. It can be the big hunky, hulky, action guy, and the midget like 80's reject, attacking the voter's toughest issues. Ah, what a world it would be.

Hit me up with feedback at eSports (click the Write the Editor link) or on my homepage at http://www.suite101.com/myhome.cfm/theycallmethecloser. Come on and click that link already! You can't possibly agree with everything I say!

I'll see you all on Wednesday. Til' then, DON'T be the one who's smacked!