If Golf Courses Could Talk

By Chrys Kefalas CPKSports Editor-in-Chief

So you want to play golf? Well, what are you waiting for? I'm waiting for the next Tiger Woods to grace my fairways. Heck, I'll settle for another Phil Mickelson, who, FYI, shot a two-under-par 68 to hold off Billy Andrade by a stroke at the Greater Hartford Open.

You think that Nike attire is going to do anything for you? If you believe that you have another thing coming, like a bad day. Tiger's even had a dose of that sensation, damaging his bid for his second straight US Open title in the first two rounds, which left him at five-over par.

It's a beautiful day, 82 degrees, partly sunny, and a cool breeze whirling through my limbs. I'm playing wonderfully today. The greens are expertly cut and the majestic beauty of perfectly cultured and maintained nature is striking as you motor towards the first hole.

Welcome to my course, my name is Sparrows Point Country Club. I hear it's your first time playing any course. Glad you chose me (Hee, hee). So step in, take a practice swing, and hit a nice high and deep shot, let's see what you have -- let's see. Come on, stop worrying about how you're going to hit it, let it fly.

Pow!

Ouch! Easy there slugger. This isn't baseball. You took a few leaves off of me. You are suppose to hit it on the fairway, not near the trees. But, it's only your first drive...you're going to improve.

Ok, still have some distance there to make up...use your 3-wood. Hey, Mr. Robin, better move over a bit, this guy's dangerous.

Swoosh! Clump.

Oh the pain, the suffering! First leaves now a nice chunk of grass. Ruining my looks. The object is to hit the ball Mr. "Golfer." Keep your eyes on the ball.

Boom!

Rolling, rolling, rolling. It's good! Not. No loft there. You were using a 3-wood right? Sure looked like you tried to make a putt from 175 yards away.

It's over here. The ball is near my shrubs. Look down. Warmer, warmer, you're hot...you're on fire. Time for the irons.

A 4-iron, nice choice. Hit it straight now. Come on. There he goes again, more grass destroyed. Wait a minute! He's hit that well...go green?

Just short.

The fun just keeps going. Pitching wedge time.

He hits up and...over the green! Amazingly terrible. He's absolutely killing me.

Trying it again?

Pop.

Better. I'm not going to help you though with a nice roll. Here, take that as I steer you away. Ha, who's getting the last laugh so far?

Looking around...must be me.

Tap.

And look at that. It's a miracle. The guy actually managed to hit it well enough to get into the hole. He's going to want to continue I guess.

Zoom, zoom with the cart he goes.

Four hours, seven missed swings, a couple of handfuls of mishits, and four balls lost later...

Who's the man now? Hmm. Coming onto my course, acting all bad and all. Come on take a swing! You stink!

He's actually trying again. Doesn't he get it yet? He's done. Try water polo!

Tap.

Oh my! This isn't happening. He's made a 9-foot putt on the 18th hole!

"I'll be back."

AHHHH! The misery, the suffering, and the anguish.

Article courtesy of CPKSports.com