Poker: Celebrity Poker Showdown
Tournament 2 Championship -- A very special dissociative episode

Well, the season's most kick-ass poker tournament (you heard me, World Poker Tour) is over, and all I can say is, "Thank God we're starting all over again next week, because where would I be without Phil, Dave and these crazy celebrities?"

It's only been 24 hours (exactly) since I wrote about the perfectly unspectacular ending to the World Poker Tour's 2004 season. That and the end of "Celebrity Poker Showdown" are about as different as Antonio Osuna and Trevor Hoffman.

It's not that WPT ended badly; it's that it could have been so much better. In contrast, "CPS" is a lot more fun and upbeat, knowing that it's the big night in a fun tournament and not trying to make itself something it's not. When Phil and Dave say those magic words "Shuffle up and deal," I'm already cracking half a grin.

It's like watching an American sitcom and then watching Steve Moffat's brilliant British gem "Coupling" -- it's not that one is necessarily bad, it's that the other one is laugh-out-loud, quoting-it-the-next-day, there's-a-reason-to-have-it-taped good.

This championship, of course, featured the five previous winners: Rosario Dawson, Dule Hill (aka Card Rack 2.0), Lauren Graham, Michael Ian Black (aka the Devil-slayer), and Maura Tierney. Each of them had earned their way to this point, despite that I couldn't have picked them for the winner -- with the exception of Dule -- even if you'd given me a few free guesses. Goes to show you I'm not opening that psychic hotline after all.

Before we get to the good stuff, let's take a moment to take a trip backwards, however, and recall these five celebs' greatest hits.

Who could forget Rosario Dawson's borrowing of Jerome Bettis' miniature bus, which she proceeded to drive all over the table while she started knocking people all over the place?

Or Dule Hill, from out of absolutely nowhere, succeeding my personal soft spot Paul Rudd as the "Celebrity Poker Showdown" Card Rack? (Keep in mind, "CPS" Tournament One viewers, that we already know that title comes with a bit of a curse on it.)

Or Lauren Graham pretending like she had no clue what she was doing while she -- and we -- all knew better than that?

Or Michael Ian Black finally winning a tournament game with the help of his precious photo of David Copperfield?

Or Maura Tierney answering James Blake's cell phone on live TV minutes before she benched him?

It's safe to say these celebrities have made us laugh at the same time they've played good poker. And that's the real point. It's time for them -- and for us -- to go out and have some fun one last time before a whole new tournament starts next week. So break out the beverages, hand the mike to Tournament Director Bob, and let's get this show on the road.

Things started off on an appropriately strange note when Michael went and ordered a gallon of chocolate milk, of all things, and started drinking directly from the container. Guess that vaguely disproves David Cross's theory that getting drunk somehow equates to victory.

(Somehow, I have the idea that Tournament Director Bob has given up on trying to understand Michael Ian Black, like the majority of those of us watching at home, but that doesn't change the fact that he's funny.)

Rosario was the first casualty of the night, increasingly short-stacked and needing to make a stand if she were to threaten. She pitted J-10 against Maura's pair of queens, and when the flop went 5-7-10, had caught a piece of the action. But neither the 5 on the turn or the 3 on the river could save her, and it was her turn to see the Losers' Lounge.

As an aside, let me say that one of my life goals is to play in a real poker tournament, which I will likely lose, and if I have to lose, I want to lose on "Celebrity Poker Showdown." At the poker table, I'm a tight player, intense, quiet and a definite perfectionist. I can't say I'd be the biggest source of entertainment, but I think I'd stand half a chance at acquitting myself admirably in front of Phil.

When the death knell comes, however, and I'm pissed off at myself, it would be nice to be able to go back to the Losers' Lounge, defrost, make fun of myself (and everyone else), order a drink, and annoy Dave Foley. On this show, they make losing fun (or as much fun as it can be).

That said, Rosario didn't have to wait too long for some company, in the person of Dule Hill (my pick to win, which shows me yet again). In living up to his conferred title of Card Rack 2.0, Dule followed the exact same fate that Paul did -- hanging in there for a bit but eventually suffering one heck of a suck-out. He matched his A-Q against Maura's pair of eights, and when the flop went 2-Q-6, looked in good shape. Except an 8 came on the turn. Looks like Dule lived up to Paul's title a little too well.

Michael Ian Black, meanwhile, had been getting absolutely crappy hands all night, and so never really stood much of a chance as his chip stack found itself abysmally low in comparison to that of everyone else. Strangely, he chose to gamble on 6-5, running into the eliminator of the night, Maura, who held A-7. The board went 2-2-J-J-3, and a disgusted Michael gave up on David Copperfield (and perhaps as a result, never looked too thrilled the rest of the night -- or I don't know, maybe he always looks like that).

This left us with Lauren Graham and Maura Tierney. Of course, cue Dave for "NewsRadio" props, and then cue these two big scary dudes with the money. See, this is how it should be done. Put the money on the table and then move on. Or, in this case, leave the two big scary guys in the background.

I'd like to take one last moment to give props to a man often overlooked: tournament director Robert Thompson, better known as Tournament Director Bob. Not only is he a good tournament director, offering explanations and clarifications as necessary, but Tournament Director Bob is a nice guy. And he's plenty willing to be involved in (or be the subject of) the humor that occurs. Sometimes a great deadpan line by Tournament Director Bob can cap a joke perfectly. (Remember his random announcement "The whipped cream is falling." as if it had some relation to the outcome of the game? Priceless.)

Now, back to the end: Lauren and Maura battled back and forth, but Lauren started to stumble, making some questionable calls that gave Maura a three-to-one chip lead. The two women were, as Maura noted, basically the same player, getting similar hands (and even the same hand at one point). Finally, Lauren matched Q-7 against Maura's K-9. The board went K-8-4-J-A, and Maura Tierney became "Celebrity Poker Showdown" champion for Tournament 2.

In another instance where "Celebrity Poker Showdown" trumps the World Poker Tour, previous champ Nicole Sullivan was even involved in the proceedings of championship night.

And a good time was had by all.

Before I close out this tournament, I'd like to leave you all with some classic lines from the six tables. I don't think you could do that with the WPT (unless we were talking Phil or Danny Negreanu).

Dave: Do they have a Losers' Lounge [in professional poker]? Phil: It's called a bar.

Wanda Sykes: When's the new Shania Twain album come out? Travis Tritt: I don't know -- probably around the same time as the next Chris Rock.

Dave: ...If you climb Phil, you get a great view of the Strip.

Maura Tierney: (into James Blake's cell phone) Hello and welcome to "Celebrity Poker Showdown" ... yes, this is James' phone, but this isn't James ... he's very busy right now...

Rosario: I'm gonna find out where you live. Phil: I'll tell you where I live.

That's it, ladies and gentlemen -- tournament two of "Celebrity Poker Showdown" is over. Never fear, though -- next week begins a whole new tournament, which starts off with a complete bang (dramatic music, please) as "Evil Willie" Garson makes his return!

Considering how much fun I've had writing these recaps for you, I'm about thisclose to making a spontaneous trip to Vegas just to see what "Evil Willie," my boy Ron Livingston and everyone else are going to do the third time around. You can bet it'll be pretty well worth sticking around.