Harmful effects of the news

In a very English and civilised manner, I was sipping my third large G&T in the garden, whilst at the same time browsing the net on my laptop. ‘What a splendid way to make the most of the lovely weather’ I thought - until I came across an article on the BBC web site called Hot weather risks it warned about the dangers of too much sun and the general risks caused by the recent warm weather.

Lots of liquids
The article read "It can lead to confusion, lethargy and problems with breathing and heart rate" I immediately recognised these symptoms in my self. Shocked I read about the best way to avoid future bouts of too much sun, they advised "Drink lots of liquids"

Not one to ignore good advice I went straight to the fridge for a glass of chilled chardonnay. After a few minutes I realised that my symptoms were getting worse. My pulse had quickened and I just couldn’t be arsed to do anything. ‘More fluids’ I thought so this time I got a couple of bottles of Stella. That didn’t work either I was starting to feel quite dizzy and even more confused.

‘Lets think about this logically’ I told my self whilst trying to swat a wasp with a deck chair. I’m obviously loosing fluids faster than I can replace them. ‘What I need is a steady supply’ I thought.

I remembered that I had one of those small five litre barrels of strong Steinhauser German beer in the cellar. Within a few minutes I’d wedged it suitable between two large stones in the rockery and began replenishing vital bodily fluids. It was now a life or death situation and I guzzled my way through the contents faster than a party of Scotsman and a Hogmanay freebie.

Easy Mistake
I felt great – for about thirty seconds before I collapsed unconscious on lawn. Luckily my wife returned from shopping in the nick of time to phone for an Ambulance. The paramedics told me that it was an easy mistake to make and that I just used the wrong type of fluids. Strangely - a lot of men had been effected by the warm weather too they said. Water would have been much better than Strong German Beer was their recommendation.

I’m now thinking of starting a campaign to get irresponsible brewers to put warnings on the labels of their products. They should definitely carry a message saying ‘Not Suitable for replacing lost body fluids’ and ‘Not recommended for anyone under 18 years of age or the English’.

So there you have it. Reading the news can be bad for your health. Take care now!