Island of adventure

What is one to make of the Commonwealth Games? Traditionally they are seen as a starting point for athletic careers. You win your Commonwealth gold and then you move on and win an Olympic, world or European gold. Having won something, people will swiftly forget your Commonwealth medal. The Commonwealth Games become The Unremembered Games.

It does not even have the advantage of the Winter Olympics where any British success is so rare that bizarre sports such as curling or ice-dance are momentarily transformed into national pastimes. In the Commonwealth Games the home nations win medals so regularly (England 136, Wales 15, Scotland 12 at the last Games in - do I really have to tell you? Kuala Lumpur) that it is difficult for any of them to stand out.

In short, it is difficult to drum up interest. And in an effort to do so some pundits were going so far as to ask, 'Is bowls the new curling?' Tricky whichever way you answer it. If you give an affirmative, are you selling yourself short? I mean, curling, for goodness sake, more rolling stone than cutting edge. But if you answer in the negative, well, what are you? As I said, tricky.

By happy coincidence yesterday, bowls, if not answering the curling dilemma, did provide a rationale for the hangover from Empire Games. Which is to provide a platform for the world's little nations.

Such as Norfolk Island. Situated a thousand miles from Australia in the Pacific Ocean, it is five miles long by three miles wide and has a population of 1,900, of which nearlyone per cent are competing in the Games, 70 per cent of whom are bowlers.

Four years ago Norfolk Island celebrated the completion of its first roundabout. It has one street light, two cells at the police station and a legislature of nine people (50 per cent fewer politicians than Commonwealth bowlers). There are five pubs: The Brewery, The Bowls Club, The Leeds Club, The Sports and Workers and The R.S.L. It is a quiet, tidy place.

Forged out of violence. In the aftermath of the mutiny on the Bounty, Christian Fletcher headed to Pitcairn Island with a band of Tahitian women. They reproduced. Having filled the island, the overflow was allowed to shack up in the former penal colony of Norfolk Island in 1856.

Over to the BBC website: 'It was there that bowls began to take shape, climaxing in a bronze medal in the 1994 Commonwealth Games for women singles player Carmen Anderson.' After 138 years of bowling foreplay, at last, a bronze.

Ron Campion, a member of the men's four, said before the start 'we played in Kuala Lumpur four years ago and managed to beat the Welsh guys so we're looking to improve on that. But any talk of a medal is premature.'

Too right, Ron, if you're an 138 years-a-medal island knocking another one out in eight years isn't so much premature as ridiculous. Along with Malta and Tonga, they prop up the CG medals table. Could history happen twice?

Yesterday the Welsh- beating Norfolk Island took to the rink against Canada. They lined up as follows:

Phil Billman: Owner of the Red Rooster takeaway food outlet. Enjoys eating pizza.

Gregory Hinks: Ex-Australian federal police detective superintendent. Enjoys crosswords.

Jim Rawlinson: Lawnmowing contractor. Enjoys gardening. (Editor's note: Couldn't he mow the entire island in under a week?)

Ron Campion: Occupation - Male (Editor's note: Escort?) Enjoys art.

And a for a couple of ends they held their own against the short-wearing, baseball-capped, overenthusiastic Canadians. Indeed if the man nicknamed Cabbage hadn't left one short they might have sneaked a 2-1 lead.

Meanwhile, Norfolk Island's women were piling it on against two Scottish women called Margaret and Joyce. Two-nil up they were, Zilpha Isobel Quintal - aged 74, hobby knitting - and Kitha Bailey, hobby crosswords. Then Kitha's aim deserted her. 'Oh no, I've done it again' she said as she conceded a mighty six points on a single end.

At that moment I was evicted from the premises by a scrawny tattooed volunteer security guard for not wearing a bib.

'A bib? But I'm in the prime of life,' I argued. No dice.

The scores flashed up on the scoreboard: Cook Islands 4, England 3; Brunei 5, Scotland 2; Wales 4, Malaysia 1; Isle of Man 5, Zimbabwe 2. So what about?... Canada 5, Norfolk Island 1. Brutal. Calm once again, I repositioned myself in the media area. Only for another volunteer to evict me. 'But it's the media area,' I argued. 'I'm sorry,' she pointlessly apologised. By the time that little fracas was resolved, Norfolk Island's women were 15-5 down.

Who needs anger management courses when you can watch live bowls? Steady, steady, roll. Steady, steady, roll. Malawi 1, New Zealand 14. Steady, steady, roll. Before I knew it the score was 22-5 with five ends to play. The Islanders required 18 off five, an improbable 3.6 woods per end. Joyce said: 'I'm going to have a drink of this Coca-Cola and a bite of Mars Bar' and proceeded to do exactly that.

Final scores, women's pairs: Scotland 25, Norfolk Island 8. Men's fours: Canada 24, Norfolk Island 6.

Throwing the story forward for a moment, on available data Norfolk Island can expect to win another medal in 2132.