General: Sterno's Talkin' Smack -- Episode #26

Sterno's Talkin' smack. No holding back here. It's all trash, all the time. Welcome to the Friday morning edition.

I know I had said that I would talk about the National League today, and preview the second half of the season. I lied. Actually, I had originally planned on it, but there are so many interesting things to discuss on this fine Friday morning. I'll be brief though, as I have some pasta to make. No, I am serious about that one!

Smack This Returnee: Jason Kidd -- Jason has made our column many times in the past ever since the time he made those ridiculous comments to Stuart Scott. Well, another Scott is involved this time. Yes, Byron Scott, the coach of the New Jersey Nets.

We all know about how that story broke a couple of weeks ago saying that Jason Kidd pretty much demanded that Byron Scott be fired. I know about how Jumangi Kidd, or whatever her name is, came out to dispute the comments. Great. Then Jason Kidd came out publicly to profess his love for Scott too. Even better.

Too bad that it wasn't until Alonzo Mourning signed with the Nets, that their MVP Jason Kidd decided to come back. There is something wrong with that, isn't there? Just making sure. I think that word is loyalty?

Now, that Kidd is signed, and the Nets are paying him for the rest of his life on this planet, Jason is in love with everything about New Jersey. Personally, if I were Kenyon Martin or Richard Jefferson, I would be pretty pissed off. Your floor leader, whom you are supposed to trust completely, comes about one footstep away from the door.

Never the less, Jason was poetic yesterday when he spoke about the decision.

"It would have been way to go to San Antonio and play with Tim Duncan and those guys. I have some unfinished business and that is to win a championship in this league and win it as a Net. This is the best chance for me to win a championship."

First of all, no it's not. It is just the best chance for you to get to the NBA Finals. The team is great, but only in the East. The Nets would be the fourth best team in the West at best. That is all there is to it. In addition, just weeks ago you were talking about how great the other teams were. Yes, I remember the Jason Kidd tour. Jason Kidd -- Coming to a team luncheon near you.

Kidd also spoke about the matter concerning Byron Scott.

"That whole thing about me coming in and demanding stuff, that's not my personality or my agenda," Kidd said.

Jason, I've got your agenda right here. Everyone knows that ever since late last season, you have been vocal about the way Byron Scott coaches the squad. You have talked about his use of the bench. You have talked about his practices. One so called source from the media can be wrong but twenty of them? I don't think so.

I will tell you one thing. You can't argue with two straight seasons winning the Eastern Conference, even if it is the minor league affiliate.

Jason Kidd -- Smacked Again!!!

Smack This Returnee: Mike Tyson -- Remember that commercial for Life cereal? "Mikey likes it!" Yeah, Mikey likes it alright. Mikey likes to be a public pain in the you know what. Mikey likes to treat women like they are his sparring partners. Mikey likes trouble, it's plain and simple.

We talked a few weeks ago about the incident that Mike Tyson had (incident #545)at the Brooklyn hotel with two men. However, what we didn't know is that this story was as the television show says, "caught on tape."

At the beginning of the video, unbelievably, Mike's story looks to pan out.

"You've got fists, we've got guns!"

These were the sweet nothings that the two men were whispering to Mike before the incident took place. Indeed, Tyson was being harassed. However, when most of us are harassed we do the civil thing and turn the other way. When you have knocked guys like Michael Spinks on his tail, the last thing you need for ego is to beat up some drunks outside a hotel.

So, we thought! Apparently, once Mike was given the old trash from these men, he went ape, as they say. Mike punched these guys out first. Then he knocked one of them through a reception stand. Tyson followed that by chasing the other guy around the check-in desk and continuing to beat on him.

Hmmm? Yeah, I think you can call that assault, don't you? Once again Mike Tyson has acted like a complete idiot. I would say lock him up and throw away the key, but he's great writing material!

Mike Tyson -- Smacked Again!!!

Smack This Returnee: Kobe Bryant -- Okay, this is my favorite. I have indeed saved the best for last. After telling his wife that he cheated on her, on a national stage, Kobe is beginning the endless sucking up experience. First of all, there is no way to make up for what Kobe did. We all agree on that, I think. Second, we know that if this woman felt she could ride in the style she does with you, on her own, she'd be gone faster than you can say, "She was 19, Kobe!"

Nevertheless, the New York Post reports that Kobe has purchased a $4 million eight-carat, purple diamond ring for his wife. I find this story so hilarious.

Bryant has so much money that he could practically buy the entire Tiffany's store for his wife... in cash. She probably already has a closet with 75 pairs of shoes. These are the number of only open toed ones.

So, is it really necessary for him to go out and make this sudden purchase? Will they be renewing their vows any time soon? Is there a second child on the way? Answers to those questions are the same as when someone asks you if they can have your new convertible. Um, no!

This proves once again that Kobe is not who we thought he was. If you think that as you read this, Kobe made a nice gesture, I have some "Sugar Daddy's," that I can put you in touch with.

Just before I go, I had to mention Bryant's wife and her comments a little bit here. Vanessa Bryant was quoted as saying, "He is a loving and kind husband and father."

Really? What would she say if he had done this in front of her? Let me guess, "He is always willing to share his wealth?" Okay, maybe that was uncalled for, but I am here to entertain. Okay, back to Bryant's wife. Talk about naivete, huh? I have never seen anyone more gullible that this girl.

One for the Road: Has anyone heard from Mo Vaughn lately? I have a theory that he is actually living two lives. Mo Vaughn the baseball player, and Ruben Studdard from American Idol.

Hit me up with feedback at eSports (click the Write the Editor link) or on my homepage at http://www.suite101.com/myhome.cfm/theycallmethecloser.

I'll see you all on Monday morning. Have a great weekend! Til' then, DON'T be the one who's smacked!