Will Buckley Suggests Turning Public Schools Into Sporting Academies

What do Tim Henman, Colin Montgomerie, Andrew Strauss and Matthew Pinsent have in common? They all went to public school. So in these egalitarian times we find that four of Britain's sporting heroes of the summer were privately educated. The flag has been and will be waved by the less privileged in support of the more privileged. Deference is back in fashion.

Which is odd. But not altogether a bad thing, for it allows us to answer one of the trappier questions of the past century: what is the point of public schools?

In imperial times, this was easily swatted away with the riposte that they were of use in training up empire-builders. In the twenty-first century, such an education is superfluous. How many public schoolboys does it take to administer the affairs of Gibraltar? Not thousands and thousands, one would hope.

With the traditional response outdated, the system's supporters had to fall back on the arguably more frivolous defence that they provide top-notch entertainment - a claim that is supported by a skim-reading of the most recent Old Fettesian Newsletter , where you will find: 'Go well. Godspeed. Floreas Fettesia.

'News of Old Fettesians.'

'Richard Kayne (1943), which is the professional name used by William Kuttner, was incorrectly recorded in the 1995 Register as having died. By way of apology for this premature dismissal, we offer the following synopsis of his career to date:

'After Fettes and the RAF, he went to Lausanne University to study Modern Languages. Back in London he began writing for revues and cabarets... he bought an old dairy in Belgravia, where he still lives... winning the Qantas Wine Writer of the Year award in 1990... He is currently working on a book.

'James Gorman (1980) is living just outside London, having got fed up with the ratrace in London. He works as a Purchasing Manager for a bakery supplying speciality breads to major multiples and has a daughter called Isabella Willow, aged 2.

'John Alexander (1990) is currently at the Royal Military Academy, Sandhurst, training to become an Army Officer.'

Tony Blair (1972), inter alia, has invaded Iraq.

(NB: I have added the last one in the interests of completeness.)

All good stuff, but perhaps not quite sufficient to justify a system that ingrains inequality. Now, however, with the success of the above quartet we find the answer staring us in the face. A law should immediately be passed stating that public schools shall henceforth be sports academies, admission to these institutions to be neither inherited nor bought, but gained by sporting prowess.

Such a crowd-pleasing piece of legislation would be easy to put into practice. The playing fields are already in place, as are all the facilities any aspiring athlete might require. All that would need to be done is to replace masters with no aptitude for teaching sport (goodbye, Mr Chips) with qualified coaches (hello, Bill Sweetenham), and summarily expel any public schoolboy who fails to pass athletics muster to free up places for those that can.

From an early age, proven winners will be in the company of other proven winners. Nick Bollettieri's institution will be a holiday camp in comparison to the sporting powerhouse that is the new-look Eton.

The only wrinkle is the question of finances. This, I suggest, should be dealt with by the carrot-and-stick policy of sponsorship and sequestration. They will be allowed to call themselves, say, Vodafone Haileybury without infringing their charitable status, as long as they sell off some of their classrooms in order to make good what will be an, admittedly quite alarming, shortfall in fees. Over time, the problem will recede as Nike or whoever pick up the tab, £25,000 per annum being considered a mere trifle to secure the image rights of a promising fifth-former at B&Q Harrow.

Finally, the legislation has history on its side. In 1925, Alec Waugh wrote in his critique Public School Life : 'Every school community must have a religion of sorts, a faith to which all faiths are subservient, a service which makes the final demands. At a public school it is athletic prominence... The social status of a school is judged not by the number of Balliol scholars it has produced but by the quality of the schools it plays. "Oh, Marestone can't be much of a place," you will hear said. "They only play a few grammar schools".'

Come 2025, you may hear the same being said of BMW Fettes.