Stadium organist leaves baseball team

Baseball fans know that the organist is an integral part of any summer night at the ballpark. After all, no seventh inning stretch is complete without "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" blaring on the organ.

However, in San Pedro Wisconsin, things are changing.

"I decided it was time for me to leave my post as organist," said Harold Nickersonn, former organist for the San Pedro (Wis.) Splash. "I would like to move on to pursue other dreams. Like becoming a heavy metal guitarist. You know, like David Lee Roth, the guy who was popular a long time ago."

When asked why he has decided to make the move to heavy metal, Nickersonn launched into a long tirade about one of his coworkers.

"The Cracker Jack guy is a real loser," he said. "He takes all the prizes out of the boxes before he sells them. It breaks my heart that the little kids who beg their parents for Cracker Jacks are stuck eating that stale candy, and they don't even get a prize. Without the prize, what's the point of even buying Cracker Jacks?"

Apparently, though, Nickersonn's troubles don't end there.

"The front office told me that they were planning on having 'Harold Nickersonn Bobblehead Night,'" he said. "I got all excited, but I found out that it was actually a joke. This could have been my big moment, my very own bobblehead doll. I would have been immortalized forever."

Team officials said they were sorry about the cancellation of "Nickersonn Bobblehead Night," but they decided to pursue a different promotion.

"Regarding Bobblehead night, we were weighing a number of options," said Darryl Zabrona, head of PR for the Splash. "One of our choices was that dude who plays the organ, and the other was Lassie. When it came right down to it, we had to ask ourselves a question: who is sexier? Lassie, or the organist? I think everyone knows the answer."

The 5'4" 110-pound Nickersonn, however, was not amused.

"Everybody loves Lassie, but come on," he exclaimed. "Losing to a dog? I just can't have that on my conscience. It's time to move on. Big hair and spandex, here I come!"

Indeed, things are changing for the San Pedro Splash. Perhaps it was manager Brett Neely who said it best.

"Well, the organist is leaving," he said. "We can't worry about him though, we have other problems. I just heard that the Cracker Jack vendor takes the prizes out of the boxes. What a loser! That's un-American of him."

Tom Ridge, Director of the Office of Homeland Security, could not be reached for comment.

This is a work of fiction. To the best of my knowledge, there is no San Pedro Splash.