Cycling: Inside the world of Lance Armstrong

Greetings, sports fans.

So Lance Armstrong, the only cyclist anyone has ever heard of in America, is in the lead at the Tour de France, and like many of you, I am thrilled.

But I was pretty surprised when a fellow Armstrong fan told me that the Tour de France is not the only event in the sport of cycling.

Apparently, there are other "tours" in existence, like the Giro d'Italia.

Now excuse me, but what does Greek food have to do with a bunch of guys riding bikes?

In other news, Armstrong is dating Sheryl Crow.

This is exciting for all of you gossip hounds, I'm sure, but frankly, I'm hoping that Armstrong will help Crow with her music career.

Being a world-class cyclist, Armstrong knows a thing or two about records, and Crow, whose last good album, "Tuesday Night Music Club," was released when I was in about 7th grade, could sure use some help in the record department.

But enough about Crow, let's talk more about Armstrong.

Sports pundits (who created this word, anyway) have once again called this Tour de France the "Tour de Lance."

Gee guys, that's pretty creative. You called it the same thing last year, and the year before, too.

Now, is it any wonder why this whole "freedom fries" thing came about?

The darn event is called the "Tour de France," let's keep it that way.

Speaking of the Tour de France, maybe we could use this event to resolve that whole rift between the U.S. and France.

You know, like "Ping-Pong Diplomacy," just without the Communism, or the Ping-Pong. Thoughts Anyone?

We could set up a summit on the top of some mountain with a castle, Chateau-du-Anything, where U.S. President Bush and French President Chirac could go for a bike ride and talk things out.

Just think about it: Local tourism would skyrocket, international relations would be improved, and the guys who sell those tight bike shorts would run away screaming.

Oh, the possibilities.