General: Sterno's Talkin' Smack -- Episode #23

Sterno's Talkin' smack. No holding back here. It's all trash, all the time. Welcome to the Tuesday morning edition.

In today's dance we talk about Kobe Bryant's accuser, a change of job description for Ronde Barber and the interesting story involving Julio Lugo.

Smack This: Kobe Bryant Accuser -- It's only fair, considering that I blast Kobe Bryant on what seems like a daily basis, that I be fair and look at the other side of the coin.

Yes, it's true that I have called Bryant a complete idiot for risking his career and his family on a one night stand with a 19-year-old woman. I didn't however, say that I thought he raped her, or committed any crime of the sort.

In fact, I don't think that Kobe committed any crime at all, other than adultery, that is. To me, it is a classic case of a girl who was able to seduce her greatest crush, only to see him not want anything more than "one crazy night." If this were a made for television movie, Melissa Gilbert would play the role of Kobe's accuser and Blair Underwood would play the role of Kobe.

Apparently, in this ever changing drama, the teenager was far from a perfect child. The young woman overdosed on pills and was rushed to the hospital just two months before the alleged incident with Kobe.

"I think it was just a cry for help," 18 year old Lindsey McKinney, a friend of the accuser, has said. She went on to say "I don't think it was accidental. I was there."

A cry for help? Very interesting indeed! It seems as if we have a disturbed your woman at the time of the incident. Changes things a bit doesn't it?

Supposedly, just to add to the cases' intrigue, the overdose has been kept a secret up until now. So, between the woman's boyfriend cheating on her (what irony), the death of a close friend, and her insisting that her parents be in the dark on her issues, we have a far cry from the vision we once had of this "perfect angel."

Now, I know very little as far as legal mumbo jumbo goes, but to me it does not seem likely that this helps the prosecution's case. The vision the world now has of this woman, is that of her passed out on her floor. Sympathy levels may be high from the public, but credibility levels are not!

The frame of mind that Kobe's accuser was in at the time of the incident, will certainly play a key role in this case's outcome. Let's be frank. We know now that Kobe cheated on his wife, but can't you see my story panning out here? Do you really think that Kobe sexually assaulted this woman? I just don't think so.

Like I said, you and I weren't there. We do not know all of the facts. Nobody can say for sure what will happen. I can say, however, that I will cover every minute of it as it happens!

Kobe's Accuser -- Smacked!!!

Smack This: The Barber Experiment -- This story is a tough one to smack for personal reasons. Number one is that I love John Gruden. To me, there is no coach like him in the NFL. His energy, and the faces he makes on the sidelines, make me laugh week in and week out. In addition, he prepares his players better than any coach in the NFL, as we saw in the Super Bowl last year.

Second, I love Ronde Barber. If you don't think the commercials with him and his brother Tiki are funny, than you really should be seeing a psychologist instead of reading this column. Ronde and Tiki are two of the classiest guys in all of sports and both are proof that there are still "sportsman like" athletes in this era of egotistical money hounds.

Now, getting to the "Barber Experiment." Due to the legal entanglements of running back Michael Pittman, Gruden has been searching aimlessly for an emergency replacement. So, did he and the Glazer's go to free agency? No. Did they go to their back up halfback? No. They went instead to their defensive backfield. Yes, that's right folks, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers have been handing the ball off to none other than Ronde Barber during camp.

The last time Barber had taken the ball in the backfield was back in high school in Virginia. Yes, high school. I think maybe those commercials were more poetic than we had thought. Maybe, you really can't tell which Barber is which anymore. News flash to Mr. Gruden. Tiki is the star running back. Tiki catches passes. Ronde? He intercepts them. Yes, now you have it John!

First of all, Pittman has been in legal proceedings for what seems like forever now. Why couldn't the Bucs have thought of this a while ago. You know, maybe before camp opened. What a novel idea.

In the offseason, after they first learned of Pittman's drama, Tampa Bay went out and acquired Thomas Jones from the Arizona Cardinals. No, he is not Walter Payton, but at least he has NFL rushing yards to his credit. If you are going to evaluate Ronde Barber's return ability after picking off passes, then why not put Derrick Brooks at fullback?

To me, this is ridiculous. Barber, along with John Lynch, are the backbones to a very solid secondary. Even if Ronde were able to take the ball on the offensive side for a few plays a game, it would take away from his energy level on defense.

"He's calling me the "Robo Barber," because he says I can do it all."

Yes, Ronde. You can be "Robo Barber." That is all fine and dandy. However, if you want to be repeat champs, you will tell your coach to stop drinking from the flask, and you will stay "Defensive Back Barber!"

Ronde Barber Experiment -- Smacked!!!

Smack This: Julio Lugo -- Some of you may not even know who Julio Lugo is, and that is what makes this story so ridiculous. Lugo is an infielder for the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. Formerly, he played for the Houston Astros, until he was released pending an investigation for domestic abuse.

Now, a couple of months later, Lugo has been cleared of the charges, and until a couple of days ago, the Astros were the ones who looked dumb. Mabely (what kind of name is that?) Lugo, who accused her husband of hitting her, changed her story completely, telling the jury that she had exaggerated what happened. Apparently, Julio did not mean to hit his wife at all.

Very nice. We are all glad to see a case solved. What are you doing Sterno? Where's my entertainment? Here it is folks. When Lugo was acquitted, he went to the jury to thank them for letting him off the hook. I must interrupt and ask what he was thanking them for? When his wife said nothing happened, there was no case.

Anyway, when he went to thank the jury, he offered to autograph baseballs and send them to the jurors. Ha! That is hilarious! Are you kidding me? None of these jurors even know who you are, you idiot. You just escaped jail, and now you want to autograph some baseballs for the jury in order to thank them?

How does that help a jury member? Do they go home to their friends and family and brag about the ball they got signed by Julio Lugo, the guy nobody has ever heard of? Do they go home to their son and say, "Billy, you will never guess what Mommy got you?"

Julio, go back to the hole you crawled out of. Barely escaping a case where you hit your wife, and she was ready to press charges against you, gives you nothing. All it does is allow you to try and be a better husband, and gives you time in the league to be a better baseball player. It is absolutely absurd what you did. You aren't Julio Iglesias pal! That autograph, they would have been grateful for.

Julio Lugo -- Smacked!!!

One for the Road: The New York Mets got swept by the Braves yet again. This time, it was a four-game disaster in Atlanta. Mike Stanton was the cause of the latest nightmare, blowing a five run lead in the eighth inning to one of his former teams. It was the first time the Mets had been swept in a four game set since the sixties.

The only way the season could get worse is if Roberto Alomar is the second half MVP for the White Sox!

Hit me up with feedback at eSports (click the Write the Editor link) or on my homepage at http://www.suite101.com/myhome.cfm/theycallmethecloser.

I'll see you all on Wednesday morning. Til' then, DON'T be the one who's smacked!