General: Sterno's Talkin' Smack -- Episode #22

Sterno's Talkin' smack. No holding back here. It's all trash, all the time. Welcome to the Monday morning edition.

Today's edition is dedicated to the saga involving Los Angeles Lakers superstar Kobe Bryant.

First, here are the updated "Smack Stats" up to this point in the year. At the end of the season, the person smacked the most in this column will get well, smacked again! And, they will get my "Most Smacked Man of the Year Award!"

Up to this point in the year, our leader is none other than Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig, who's been smacked four times. Then there is a tie with three between Kobe Bryant, Armando Benitez, Barry Bonds, Jason Kidd, Dusty Baker and the New York Yankees.

Then, there are a bunch tied with two "smacks." It is a close race, but if Selig continues to screw up the game we love, there is no reason to believe he will not be victorious!

Now to today's smack...

Smack This: Kobe Bryant -- If you aren't aware by now that Kobe Bryant has been charged with a sex crime, than you either live in an underground cave, or North Dakota.

While the question still remains whether or not Kobe is guilty of the crime, another question has already been answered. Indeed, Bryant's reputation as a scholarly individual and overall class act is finished. No longer will the vision of Kobe's tongue-dropping dunks come to your head when you hear his name. No, it will be his drawn and disheartened look during a press conference in which he told the world that he was a cheater, you will see.

Kobe informed the world that he was human. In my opinion, Kobe is watching way too much reality television and comparing himself to the wrong people. Cheating on your wife does not make you human. It makes you an idiot. Someone forgot to ask Kobe if he inhaled!

nevertheless, while he is guilty of the moral crime of adultery, he may still be innocent of illegal conduct. The evidence has been very sketchy and the public doesn't really know at this point what the district attorney's office in Colorado has in their possession. I can tell you one thing -- when the D.A. spoke about being able to prove beyond reasonable doubt that Kobe was guilty, he didn't seem too concerned.

It is obvious that they have his D.N.A. and that Kobe did in fact do "the deed." A man with a gorgeous young wife, a small child and out of the hospital for only a few hours, had sex with a teenager in his hotel room. This is now pretty much fact in the Bryant case.

It's also apparent that the "Dream Team" that the Lakers had built including Kobe, Shaq and newly acquired Gary Payton and Karl Malone, will pale in comparison to the one Bryant puts together to defend him.

Nothing has been made official as of yet, but I am hard pressed to believe that Bryant will play in a Lakers' uniform next season. Both the NBA and the Colorado courts, will have plenty to say about this one down the road.

So what do we know so far? We know Bryant is not perfect. He's an idiot. His reputation is finished, his career is in jeopardy, and his relationship with the media is better than the one with his wife. Although, do you think she would ever leave him and all of that cash?

We also know that a trial is looming. No, not one of the O.J. Simpson variety, but one with punch nevertheless. We are in store for some more television drama, hours of endless commentary and a live outcome. This is all, of course, unless Bryant's accuser decides to have Bryant pay her off to keep her mouth shut. The fact that some new information about her being a junky is coming out will not help her case against Kobe either.

For our purposes, let's pretend there is a trial. Here are some one liners on things I do and do NOT look forward to.

I look forward to seeing ESPN try to become Court TV, as it is funny watching Stuart Scott pretend he has half a brain. I do not look forward to more of Shelley Smith outside the court house. No offense to Shelley, but she's not easy on the eye.

I look forward to seeing less previewing of the supposed greatest lineup ever. I do not look forward to more of Jim Gray talking about his relationship with Bryant. Seriously, how does this guy get on television?

Last but not least I look forward to seeing Johnny Cochran because he is simply brilliant. Someone with no legal knowledge whatsoever can watch him and understand what he's trying to do for his client's case. I do NOT look forward to seeing that chick Greta Van Susteren. Yikes! Remember her from the O.J. case? She made Marcia Clark look like Marcia Brady!

No matter what happens, it will be nice for the media to stop kissing Kobe's ass. He's a kid. We all make mistakes. We just aren't all dumb enough to throw our lives away for cheap thrills with a 19 year old. Bad boy Kobe!

Kobe Bryant -- Smacked!

One for the Road: In the midst of all of this Kobe drama over the past weekend, George Karl was fired by the Milwaukee Bucks. I thought this was a great move on their part. Karl is the most overrated coach I have ever seen and what he did with the United States team last year was a disgrace. Now that North Carolina passed on him yet again, and he is out of work, we can look forward to his arrogance somewhere on television.

Hit me up with feedback at eSports (click the Write the Editor link) or on my homepage at http://www.suite101.com/myhome.cfm/theycallmethecloser.

I'll see you all on Tuesday morning. Til' then, DON'T be the one who's smacked!