How to say NO

Many people find that refusing requests from others is a difficult action to take — especially when the other person is important to them or intimidating. In this issue we will show you how to take complete charge of getting someone to take "no" for an answer. The procedure involves ten steps that you will want to practice until you can do this in any situation. For purposes of illustration, let us pretend a friend has asked to borrow a sum of money from you.

Step one. Just say no: For this step you do not explain why you are refusing their request. That comes in the next step. This step allows you to choose among five options for saying "no."
• Absolute No: This is what most people think of when they think of saying "no." If you are saying to the other person that you are unwilling to negotiate their request this is the response you choose for step one. "No, I will not lend you the money."
• Partial No: You might want to comply with part of their request. You do not have to comply with all of it. "I won’t lend you the entire amount, but I will lend you half."
• Replacement No: Instead of complying with this request you tell you them are willing to do something for them that is equivalent to their request. "I am willing to go with you to the grocery store with you once and pay for your groceries."
• Rain Check No: You tell the requestor that you need to think about their request. "I need some time to think about this. I will get back to you in five days with an answer."
• Back-Scratching No: You tell the person you will comply with their request if they do something for you before you grant their request. "I am more than willing to lend you the money if you help me move my belongings from storage to my house."

Step two. Give an explanation. This step is optional. You may explain to the person why you are refusing their request or you may not. Most often, people making requests will ask you why you do not grant their request. To many people, this question seems like it must be answered. It does not. "The reason I am not willing to lend you the money is because you have a poor history of paying me back." Or, "I can’t afford to lend anyone any money right now." Also, "I choose not to share with you the reasons for not lending you money."

Step three. Use the Empathic No. Most people will give up after step two. If you are receiving a request from someone more persistent, you can use as many remaining steps as you need until the debate is finished. This response has two parts: telling the person you understand why they are making the request and repeating step 1. "I understand they have laid you off from your job and need to buy groceries, but I am not able to help you out."

Step four. Use the Recurring Repetition. At this point the other person may try to manipulate you by various means: whining, threatening, cajoling, or bargaining. You say, "The answer is still no."

Step five. Repeat Step 4.

Step six. Repeat Step 5.

Step seven. Switch from Content to Process. If the person is still trying to get you to change your mind, you now switch strategies. Instead of talking about the request you change the subject to how they are treating you. "I have already told you no six times. It is apparent to me that you are either not listening or you don’t respect me."

Step eight. Tell the other person what you want them to do differently. The focus is now on their behavior and not your behavior. You tell the person what you do and do not want them to do. "I want you immediately to stop asking me for a loan. In the future I would prefer you ask other people for money."

Step nine. List the consequences if they comply with step eight. You must give some thought what these consequences will be. Once you have voiced them, you must follow through should the person fail to honor your demand. "If you refrain from asking me for money, we can continue to be friends. Should you ask me for money in the future, I will consider if I can spend any more time with you."

Step ten. Follow through — no exceptions! This can be the most difficult step. It is the step where you are absolutely in control of your property line. Having explained step nine, you must take action that is nonnegotiable. Although the other person may try to lay a line of guilt on you for your behavior, you need to remember that it is their behavior that is the issue. Although we would like to think that one can boil down the complexities of life to simple steps, this is not so. Nevertheless, these Ten Steps for Refusing a Request give you a working outline for dealing with people who persistently try to get you to disregard social manners and norms and your own sense of dignity.

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