Marriage – Arranged or Otherwise

A French lady was once telling me how strongly she felt about the various social evils that are eating up the fabric of the Indian society….beggary, poverty, illiteracy, unemployment, corruption, female infanticide, the dowry system, arranged marriages….wait a minute, arranged marriages? I was surprised that it was considered an evil..and she explained that back in her country, people talked about the fact that in India girls had to actually marry a stranger, a man of their parents’ choice….horror of horrors, marry and live with a man you have never known, romantically and sexually…how did they survive the marriage? I pointed out that the breakup of marriages was a far more widespread phenomenon in Western cultures, where women had complete freedom to have sexual relations, live with and get to know a man, and then decide if they wanted marriage or not. How then, does this work? The reason could lie in the centuries of social conditioning.

But it is definitely not true that all Indian girls have to undergo brutal arranged marriages to men they will surely loathe. Nothing can be further from the truth. It was not true five centuries ago when Rajput Princess would glorify love by eloping with their suitor from their father’s courts;… did not work this way for these intervening centuries when Indian women fought alongside their men for freedom of the country, and does not work this way today, when Indian women are educated, professionals, and almost at par with their male counterparts.

Even in rural areas, in most families, the match may be decided for a girl by her parents but the suitability is almost always well studied. The reason could be that India is still so socially and culturally segregated that a marriage within one’s own community is the safest and surest bet for a secure, well settled life.

In a country with 25 different states, each with its own history, geography, climate, food, language, culture and even sensibilities and attitudes, living with a person from a radically different background can be an extremely difficult experience. And no, love does not surmount all troubles for a lifetime. A fish eater will NEVER compromise on his or her habits while a person from a vegetarian family will always find it difficult to accept blood and meat in their kitchen. A widow in the North will wear white while a in the south, a bride wears white. A dot on the forehead of a married Hindu woman is traditionally a MUST while the same dot on the forehead of a Muslim girl will condemn her to burn in hell till the Kayamat (Judgment Day)..religious beliefs bind us very strongly, and not all strata of society have the strength to break free of meaningless (or even meaningful) traditions. In this rigid mindset, most parents want the easy, happy and socially accepted way out for their children; it is after all, the decision of a lifetime. Even the ways Gods and religion is interpreted is so different from state to state that the whole process of adjusting can be a really traumatic experience, unless we are talking of mature individuals, willing to change. But most parents would rather not let their lovingly brought up daughters take a painful path to love and life.

Of course, times are changing too. Over the last century, an increasing number of women and young men are working and studying together, in urban as well as rural areas. There is a constant intermingling of cultures an save the most interior rural areas, cross cultural marriages of the girl and boy’s choice are becoming very common. So inter religion, interstate community and inter-state languages are becoming more common everyday. These may be arranged by parents or by the young ones themselves, but yes, they are no longer difficult. The primary reason is the rapid cosmopolitization of the Indian metros, the giant strides that the Indian media has taken over the last few decades, and of course, the phenomenal speed of rising awareness levels. Most youngsters know what they want in life, and who they want to live it with. Parents, in most cases, have to support them, because the traditional joint family system is breaking down and they will lose their children if they oppose. Besides, the parents of today are the rebels of the last generation who would probably have done the same thing if they had got a chance…so they can identify with their children’s stand. All these factors are ensuring that arranged marriages are becoming more and more open-minded... as in arranged love marriages. The best example is the marriage of the British industrialist, steel magnate Lakshmi Mittal’s daughter, who chose her mate and Daddy did the honors, a Princess’s wedding in Paris, while the world watched. Everyone is happy and satisfied, traditions are met, society is happy, and the love birds have got their nest.

Even in semi urban and urban India, there are very few girls who will cow down to their parents’ wishes and go for a bad match. There are, of course, cases where economic compulsions and social pressures have set up child marriages, marriages to much older men and sometimes, marriages to even Arabs for money, but these are exceptions, rather than the rule.

The concept of a marriage arranged by a family is a horror story maybe because it involves no type of sexual contact before marriage. But then India is not a very sexually oriented society, barring its ancient heritage. There are young people who do indulge in sexual relationships outside marriage but again, sex is almost never considered the only basis for a good marriage. It may be an important factor for a happy marriage, but at least in the Indian context, not the ONLY one. It is sad but true that most young men in Indian families are brought up to believe that a girl who will sleep with them before marriage will sleep with anyone, so she is not a good wife material. It may sound shocking, but remember, we are a severely patriarchal society. In these kinds of relationships, for the long run, it is the girl who faces social ostracization, never the boy. So girls, in their turn, are brought up to not be philandering, and with the idea that the man they marry should get them as virgin brides. Of course, this is not always true, but socially, it should be. This works both ways, traditionally, though now the taboos are definitely breaking down and sexual romps pre and extra marriage are not uncommon. But all said and done, having an arranged marriage is not a complete Frankenstein story; after all, a dithy goes,

"O God, I ask not to marry the man I love,
Rather give me the sense to love the man I marry"