General: Sterno's Talkin' Smack -- Episode #20

Sterno's Talkin' smack. No holding back here. It's all trash, all the time. Welcome to the Thursday morning edition.

Today's topics are all multiple offenders. Once again it is time to smack Barry Bonds, his former manager Dusty Baker and Armando Benitez. Hey, don't blame me! They are the ones who piss me off!

Smack This Returnee: Barry Bonds -- It is time to revisit the biggest jerk in all of baseball. You guessed it folks, Barry Bonds. Last time we smacked Barry upside the head, he had turned down the home run derby and the time before that he was flapping his trap about Albert Pujols not being a complete player. This time the enormous hole otherwise known as Barry's mouth was at it again!

Before we get to Barry, let's have a quick history lesson. What team has the greatest tradition in all of baseball? Okay, shout it out now, the New York Yankees right? And what is their stadium widely known as? Yes, the "House that Ruth built." And who is the most recognizable figure in baseball history? Yes, again it is Babe Ruth.

Well, apparently Barry Bonds would not have answered any of these questions correctly, because Ruth was the topic of the moron's latest comments.

"Willie's number is always the one that I've strived for," Bonds said before Tuesday's All-Star Game.

"And if it does happen, the only number I care about is Babe Ruth's. Because as a left-handed hitter, I wiped him out. That's it. And in the baseball world, Babe Ruth's everything, right? I got his slugging percentage and I'll take his home runs and that's it. Don't talk about him no more."

Don't talk about him no more? First of all, take a grammar class Barry, you have the money don't you? Second, you now have managed to talk trash about Babe Ruth which is really unheard of unless you are a Red Sox fan talking about a curse or two.

Not only have you not wiped anything of Ruth's out, but you could hit a hundred homeruns the second half of this year while simultaneously juggling three other baseballs, and you still wouldn't wipe anything of Ruth's out!

To make that kind of comment is more proof than ever that you are a complete and utter jerk. To further the point, Bonds' attitude came forward during this week's All-Star game. Bonds dictated from soup to nuts what was going to happen and when, even though Dusty Baker was actually standing in as the manager of the squad.

Bonds told Baker he didn't want to play left field and would DH instead. Okay fine, Barry needed a little rest. He is getting up in years. Then, he compiled his dictating when he told Baker he would decide how many at bats he would get. Excuse me, but shouldn't you want to play the whole game, especially when it is your team that just might get the home field you are playing for?

It was no surprise that after he went 0-2 to start the game, that Bonds asked, no told Baker that he would bat again. Hmmm, it makes you wonder doesn't it? Do you think if Bonds was 2-2 he would have sat on his ass? You're damn straight he would have.

What a joke. I can't wait until this guy hangs it up so I can stop seeing his sickening face.

Barry Bonds -- Smacked Yet Again!!!

Smack This Returnee: Dusty Baker -- What is that saying? Like father, like son, isn't it? How about like ex-manager. like player? Does that work? It certainly does in the case of Baker and his relationship with the aforementioned Bonds.

Previously, we have talked about Baker's asinine comments about colored individuals in the heat. We have also talked about his terrible voting strategy when he picked the NL All-Star team. The one where he took guys he knew, and left the rest at home.

Now, Baker is back and once again showing that he is quite inadequate when it comes to managing the game of baseball. We already know he can't manage his kids don't we?

Anyway, the entire world was anticipating how the All-Star game would be managed with the whole "This time it Counts" gig which made me sick to my stomach in its own right. You would have thought that between this, and the fact that the opposing manager Mike Scoscia had beaten Baker in the World Series last year, that Baker would have some motivation to actually prepare for the game. What a novel idea.

Last night Baker made some terrible errors and his managing of the National League cost them the game, and its champion, their home field advantage. First, after a game last year which ended in a tie because there were no players left, you would have thought some guys would be on the bench for most or all of the game as insurance. Well, other than Geoff Jenkins of the Brewers, Baker had used every single position player by the seventh inning. What a complete disgrace.

While Mike Scoscia was figuring out lefty-righty combinations in his head throughout the game, Baker was watching his wholesale changes between innings. Every time that the National League took the field, commentators Joe Buck and Tim McCarver had to take like five minutes explaining who was on first and what was on second.

With a big lead, and a hefty bullpen to boot, Baker was livin' large going into the late innings. Then came the biggest mistake of all. We all know by watching baseball enough, just how valuable left handed pitching is. With Billy Wagner who throws nasty heat in the pen, Baker had a really sharp tool to break out of his box in a late game situation.

None the less, Wagner came out in the seventh inning and gave up a shot to Jason Giambi that just rounded Jupiter and is heading towards Pluto. Not sure on the planet directions there but you know what I am saying. Now, when Baker brought Gagne out in the eight inning up by a couple of runs, Mike Scoscia began to drool.

Why? Simply because it guaranteed Scoscia some prime use from his left handed players still sitting on the bench. Candidate number one was Hank Blaylock, whose avg. against right handed pitching so far this year is well over .300. Sure enough, when Gagne got into some unforeseen trouble in the eighth, up stepped Blaylock with a chance to make a name for himself on the big stage.

Sure enough, a high heater came rolling down the pike, and the new "Hammerin' Hank," sent it over the wall for what would be the game winning hit.

Once again Mike Scoscia made Baker look foolish, and all Dusty could hang his hat on was playing the percentages. He talked after the game about never seeing Eric Gagne get rocked like that, but if had Wagner still been in the pen, he would have run up Blaylock and stopped the rally.

Oh Dusty. You can't judge talent. You can't manage a game. You think you are a source of civil rights knowledge. We all remember the player who most respects you is a guy nobody respects!

Dusty Baker -- Smacked Yet Again!!!

Smack This Returnee: Armando Benitez -- Okay so I love bashing Benitez. Sue me! This time is a little different though. I am not going to talk about Benitez blowing a save. I am not going to bash Benitez for any comments he has made about the New York fans, or his teammates. No, this time it is a fond farewell speech to Armando.

Apparently, to my dismay, Benitez may be dealt to the Yankees as soon as this article is in front of your face. I hate this with a passion. I wish as a Mets' fan that I could say, "Yes he will go screw them up!' Only problem is that he won't. With less pressure on him pitching to set up Mariano Rivera, and with the pinstripe mystique a plenty, Benitez will probably flourish.

In addition, I do not understand what the heck the Mets are thinking with this supposed trade. Jason Anderson of the Yankees is a middle reliever with some good stuff, but not anything to write home about. He is far from an impact player, and with his ERA at around five, they might as well keep Armando.

Now, being fair to Jim Duquette, the Mets GM, the Yankees would pay Benitez' $3 million salary. This certainly helps to sweeten the transaction, but it doesn't do enough for me. Not nearly enough.

Give me a player I can see play. You can give me a Juan Rivera who can step in and win an outfield job with the Mets. You can give me a Brandon Claussen who can step into the rotation. Anderson has no sizzle.

The Mets would be much better off using this supposed deal to screw the Yankees and to better themselves. By the media getting hold of this story, word around the league is apparent. We all know that right or wrong, Benitez is highly sought after as a set up man going into the stretch run.

I would love to see the Mets get the Yankees lips all pursed and wet and then dump Armando in the green monster and let him play for the Red Sox. The Yankees would lose their chance at Benitez, and have to face him in his new role in Boston. From the Sox, the Mets can raise the anti, using the Yanks as leverage, and ask for Casey Fossum, their blue chip pitching prospect. Now, that's an idea!

Just incase you are gone by the time my readers and I meet again ... here is my farewell to you Mr. Benitez.

Armando. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Do not talk to your teammates. They hate you. I hate you. You disrespect the game of baseball and the art of pitching, simply by walking on the field of play.

You couldn't beat the Braves, Andruw Jones ate you for lunch. If I saw you in public, I would surely throw more than a punch. I will always remember cringing when you came towards the mound. Is it possible I can give you a quick lift out of town?

The Yankees you walked, now in the Bronx you might be. Too bad , it's not far enough to not be smacked by me.

I don't wish you well. I don't wish you harm. My only wish is that I wish you were gone!

Armando Benitez -- Smacked Yet Again!!!

One for the Road: The New York Knicks and GM Scott Layden missed out on signing Andre Miller to play the point because they couldn't afford him under the cap. Then they missed out of Rasha Nesterovic of all people, as he went to join Tim Duncan in San Antonio. Finally, The "Candyman," Michael Oliwakandi, went to Minnesota.

Oh well, I guess that means Knicks fans are in for another year with the whitest of the white in Travis Knight. Man, that rhyme was purely accidental!

A programming note: Stay tuned next Monday as I will deliver the "Smack Stats." Then at the end of the year, the one with the most appearances in the column will win the "Most Hated Man of the Year" award.