Golf: Today, the PGA, tomorrow, the world!

Wow. Sure is a lot buzzing around the world of sport these days. A fella could write about NASCAR conspiracies, Cal Ripken All-Star conspiracies, or even when and where C-Webb ends up. A whole world of possibilities. But, sadly, it's Saturday and I'm too freaking lazy.

Instead, I've decided to take on a truly heroic undertaking. Since I'm constantly whining about the people running pro sports these days, I'm going to take steps. I'm going pro-active on their collective hinders. I am staging bloodless coups every week or so on some of the professional leagues. OK, fictional bloodless coups.

I'm going to change what I think is wrong with each sport. In some cases, it's minor. There are some leagues out there that are doing a good job. In others, it's a little bigger task. For example, the Major League Baseball coup is well over ten pages. I'm warning you in advance. Bring a snack.

To get this party started, to borrow from Aaron Carter, I'm first replacing Tim Finchem, the guy currently sitting behind the mahogany desk at PGA headquarters.

Let's begin.

A Schedule is a Schedule: In nearly every sport you can carry a handy pocket schedule. It tells you where and when the team you're following will be on a given day. Barring injuries you can circle a date and plan on seeing the team or athlete of your choice. Except in the PGA. The PGA lets the athletes make the schedules. Sure, the events are listed, but by no means does that tell you who will be there. On average this year, Tiger Woods has participated in well under half of the tourneys. Baseball players play 162 games during the season, often in stretches of 10 or more straight days. That's not including spring training or the postseason. Golfers have one four-day stretch a week assuming they make the cut. In the case of the actual event, someone else lugs the bag around. On a bad day, their physical involvement can be limited to swinging a club 80 times and then retiring to the trailer to have the masseuse work out the kinks.

This is not to imply that the participants are not athletes. This is only to suggest that with the purses at stake and amount of fan interest generated, the PGA should do everything in it's power to make sure that fans in Milwaukee will see the same players at Pebble Beach. In most cases, they're paying close to the same ticket prices anyway.

One Ball, One Set of Clubs: Golfers have benefited from technological advances like no other sport. Sure, Big Mac has his Creatine, and the average football player has ingested more growth hormones than a whole herd of cattle, but today's golfer still has the greatest advantage. It takes time and land to make a golf course. Many of the venues on the tour have been around 50 years or more. Most are also ringed by housing developments. A course considered impenetrable even ten years ago is suddenly a haven for birdies and eagles. With the advances in club and ball and even shoes, the distance between tee and green gets shorter by the week. Even it out. The only thing the PGA can do is legislate the events themselves. On Thursday give each player an identical set of clubs. Cut them to fit. Hand out a dozen identical balls. More for Phil Mickelson on Sunday.

Baseball lets players use different bats as long as they conform, but there is only so much you can do with a stick of wood. The NFL doesn't let Brett Favre throw a different football than Duante Culpepper. Sure the PGA has a set of their own standards, but it takes time and money to thoroughly test every piece of new equipment. Have the event determined by who swings the best, not who has the better ball.

Keep Tiger Caged: In Michael Jordan's heyday, the joke was the Chicago Bulls were gone, replaced by Michael Jordan and The Chicago Bulls. (I didn't say it was a good joke.) Right now, the PGA is afraid of Tiger. Woods suggested last winter that perhaps the PGA should be sharing more of the wealth with him because of the interest and money he has attracted to the sport. There were even rumblings later this year of a new, TV-sponsored, Tiger-endorsed league. Nip it in the bud. Tiger would not be Tiger without Augusta. Or the British Open. Or the PGA Championship. The league has to be prepared to stand up to Woods when it needs to, like when he bypasses tour events in favor of appearance fees in Thailand. It probably does promote the PGA in new markets, but it does a better job of promoting Woods.

Lastly, LOOSEN UP: Marshals at Tour events have a giant stick that says "QUIET". For fun, make one yourself and take it to a Raiders game sometime. Forward your hospital bills to eSports. (Just kidding.) Stand-up comics have long wondered why golfers get to stare down a putt in White Room silence, while Scott Norwood had 50,000 people telling him his mother has unnatural relations with sheep, while he's lining up a Super Bowl-winning kick. Not to say the PGA needs more swearing, but relax things up a little. Let the players wear what they want. If it's Texas in August, show a little leg. Tipping a cap is fine in the Navy, but let a guy give a little whoop-de-doo if he sinks a 40-footer to win the tourney. Only put a mike on the fun players. Does David Duval look like the guy you want to listen to for four hours? Claims adjusters look more interesting. Let us hear where Big John Daly is going after the round. NASCAR has found every conceivable place to stick a camera in an effort to bring fans closer. The PGA responds with Cup Cam. Make Gary McCord broadcast every event. Even Augusta. Make David Feherty broadcast every Hooters tour event. Even Tulsa. Without shaking some cobwebs off, golf is in danger of not being able to replace the fans who die off every year. And there are plenty.

There. You may agree, you may disagree, but if you do, you're horribly, tragically wrong. Oh, and one more throw-in, the next guy shouting "YOU DA MAN" after a golfer sends his tee-shot into the parking lot has to hold Tiger's tee in his mouth on a par 5. Tough, but fair.

Next up: The NHL