Time to get unbundled for penetration

The parents of babies born nine months from tonight will pick up an extra £1,300 in maternity pay, and the fathers will get two weeks' paid leave.

As the minister for women, Patricia Hewitt, told the Commons, an unfamiliar twinkle in her eye: "Tomorrow night is the key date for would-be parents who want to take advantage of the new provisions."

This was the first time I have heard a minister tell the nation to start shagging. Though knowing how nannyish they are and how Ms Hewitt in particular talks to everyone like a remedial class, she'd want to be there to make sure we got it right.

"I know you're all terribly excited and looking forward to having a super time, but that's no excuse for dropping your clothes on the floor and not folding them neatly!

"Let the chandelier down very carefully - we don't want any accidents! - and take the curry powder in your left hand. Now which of you can tell me what a clitoris is?"

Ms Hewitt is also the trade secretary, and earlier she was given a hard time about the post office, or Royal Mail, or Consignia, or whatever it's called this week.

She said the government had halved the rate at which sub-post offices were being closed.

"That is like Stalin claiming that he was running out of victims in his great purge!" yelled Julian Lewis. John Lewis is never knowingly undersold. Julian Lewis is never knowingly underhyped. As it happens, ministers are not sending sub-postmasters to starve to death in frozen gulags. And MPs complain that the press always exaggerates!

John Whittingdale, for the Tories, complained about the way ministers constantly come up with wheezes which never actually happen. "All we have had is words. When is the government going to start delivering?"

Aha, the answer to the Royal Mail's problems - use ministers for delivering! What a surprise when you answer the rap on your door, and there's the secretary of state for trade.

"Now, these catalogues are much too expensive for you," she would say as she handed over your mail. "And is this the famous plain envelope? A dirty video, I expect. Dear, dear. Look, a nice card from your mother. She's in Polperro. When did you last write to her?"

Between Ms Hewitt being Postwoman Pat and Dr Ruth, there was an awful lot of jargon to fit in. Michael Fabricant complained that there wasn't enough penetration of broadband. "I'm not talking about lowband, I'm talking about middle and high band broadband! The UK is right at the very bottom!" he shouted. It sounded as suggestive as the dirty video, though it is more likely to have to do with Mickey's regrettable groin strain and his self-medicative work on it.

Nigel Griffiths, a junior minister went on for what seemed hours about the same topic. A sample: "A fast track online licensing regime that is an important element in encouraging infrastructure sharing to reduce rollout costs," he raved.

Then Phil Hammond sprang up for the Tories: "Local loop unbundling was to be a significant factor in broadband rollout," he said. "But the number of local loops that have beenunbundled have been only in the hundreds! Local loop unbundling has failed!"

What did he mean? No mortal could know. But I was already away in a distant rural past.

"Hurr, hurr, surr! You see us gets our local loopy fellow, our village idiot, a simpleton, surr, and us unbundles 'im, an' us throws 'im in the mill-race, hurr hurr! Surr."

Or maybe local unbundling is what we'll all do in bed tonight as we get to work for Ms Hewitt.