White Gloves and Pessaries

In the run-up to the G8 conference and Live 8, Tony Blair has been saying all the right things about debt relief, Africa and European food subsidies. But still Bob Geldof hasn't invited him to come and play on the night.

"I mean, I only live down the road, Bob, and I've got my guitar here and everything ..."

"I think we've got enough bands now, thanks, prime minister ..."

"Oh, 'cause I can play the first bit of Stairway to Heaven. And Smoke on the Water and the opening chord to A Hard Day's Night, and then Paul McCartney could maybe take it from there?"

"This concert is to make you lot do something about global poverty."

"Yes, of course. I just think it might help me understand the issues more clearly if I could get to riff with Sting."

In Paris, Jacques Chirac has been busy organising a massive charity concert of his own to raise money for French farmers. "Look, we need your money! Give us your fucking money!" he implored. "These cows are down to their last thousand euros, for God's sake." Meanwhile, George Bush is still struggling to put on his Make Poverty History wristband without taking his knuckles off the ground.

The G8 leaders meet next week to discuss world poverty while spending 10 times the global aid budget on subsidies that drive third world farmers out of business. That's like a gang of burglars emptying every house in the street and then using their final victim's front room for a neighbourhood watch meeting. In Europe the inequities of our common agricultural policy (CAP) produce some shocking statistics. Did you know that the European Union actually pays for every Welsh sheep to have its own wide-screen plasma TV and DVD player? Twenty pound notes are actually taken away from Oxfam and shredded to provide bedding for French battery chickens. Live 8 tickets are in such short supply because, under EU finance arrangements, two-thirds of the tickets have to go to Belgian dairy cows.

In fact, the real statistics are not that much more ludicrous. For example, Britain's richest man, the Duke of Westminster, received £448,000 in CAP subsidies last year. Without this subsidy his pheasants would simply have to be taken out and shot. Or what about the 15th Duke of Bedford at Woburn Abbey? You can adopt an animal at his safari park for as little as £50, but the duke himself is a little more expensive. He's already sponsored by the EU, which pays him over £1,000 a day. For that, the EU commissioners get a photo of the duke, a car sticker and the chance to come and watch him at feeding time.

The European commission insists that the CAP is there to help the smaller farmers. Small farmers such as the Queen. Last year Her Majesty received £545,897 in CAP subsidies. An attempt to discuss this with the palace was unsuccessful: "Ooh arr, my wife Liz can't talk to you right now," said farmer Phil, chewing on a piece of straw. "Er, she's been up since 4.30am milking the cows. What's that, Liz? You've got to worm the heifers? Oh no, don't wear your white gloves when you're putting in bovine pessaries ..."

It may suit Britain's political purpose to use this week's events to draw attention to the inequities of the CAP, but Tony Blair and Gordon Brown are right to do it. With Britain's EU presidency starting today, and the political momentum built up by Live 8 and the Make Poverty History campaign, the hosts of the G8 summit are in the strongest position ever to confront the causes of global poverty.

More importantly, it annoys the French. Wanting fair trade and an end to hunger and disease is all very well, but the commendable cause of annoying the French should never be underestimated. When Chirac insists he will allow no further changes to the CAP, Tony should say: "Sorry, mate. I can't understand a bloody word you're saying. Can't you speak English?"

"Either the French delegation agree to abolition of the CAP," threatens Gordon, "or it will be Turkey Twizzlers for lunch."

We have to do something to make the rest of the world see sense. Tomorrow the rock stars will take one day out to pressure British politicians to do something they have been working on for years. Britain has led the way in cancelling debt and campaigning for increased aid and fair trade. Maybe Tony Blair really should pick up his guitar to make other world leaders sit up and listen. "Guess what, guys, I've reformed my college band - I thought we might sing you Feed the World."

Obviously this would only be a final threat. There's enough suffering in this world already.