Poker: WPT drops a Unabomber on Los Angeles

The World Poker Tour Invitational, held Wednesday at the Commerce Casino, was supposed to be a star-studded affair of pros and celebrities mixing it up on the felt. Hey, there was one of my favorite directors, Jon Favreau! There was Danny Negreanu, and did I see Howard Lederer? And hey, there's even "Celebrity Poker Showdown" host Dave Foley!

Then the star train derailed and exploded in flames as it became "The Unabomber Variety Show."

No, not that Unabomber, but Phil "The Unabomber" Laak, poker pro so named because, well, he wears the same grey sweatshirt all the time that makes him look like the other guy. He earned himself a spot in the WPT Championship with his win Wednesday night. How he got there is a story that should've been pitched as a sitcom to ABC.

Here's how it started:

1. John Juanda - $770,000 2. Humberto Brenes - $325,000 3. Joe Cassidy - $315,000 4. Harry Demetriou - $275,000 5. Antonio Esfandiari - $200,000 6. Phil Laak - $110,000

You see Phil's name all the way at the bottom of the list there? Underneath Antonio "The Magician" Esfandiari, who won the L.A. Poker Classic at this same casino (and just happens to be Phil's ex-roommate)? Underneath John Juanda, who's universally regarded as one of the best poker professionals? And yet, it eventually ended up on the top, going through everyone including this week's Kevin Walker Award winner, Joe Cassidy, in a battle more spectacle than spectacular.

Twelve minutes into the game, the two ex-roomies got into it, Antonio going all in with a pair of 3's against Phil's pair of 10's. This is where it gets weird: Phil was actually rooting for a three. Vehemently.

Unfortunately for him and Antonio, the deal went 6-J-4-2-9, and Antonio was out in sixth place, which could be a good thing considering that Phil would soon be off his leash, if he was ever on it in the first place.

"The Unabomber" is a crowd favorite because of how eccentric and engaging he is, and he didn't disappoint in that respect. He soon developed a habit of running around the table so he could stand right next to the dealer and see the flop as soon as it happened. (This caused one dealer to look at him as if to say, "Do you really have to stand that close to me?") And he was still rooting for his opponents' cards.

Meanwhile, he was also doing push-ups, rolling around on the floor, perching on his chair, and otherwise either doing the strangest workout regimen I have ever seen or just trying to get some excess energy out. As I tongue-in-cheekly said: "Will whoever has Phil's medication please give it to the tournament director?"

Thirty-three minutes in it was Harry's turn to go. He matched his K-10 against Joe's A-J, and Joe Cassidy, cooler than ice (as Phil discovered when he took Joe's pulse for no reason), found a jack on the flop of Q-J-3. The turn and river paired 8's, and the Englishman Harry also got to run screaming from Phil's continued hyperactivity.

What makes it crazier is that Phil wasn't even involved in some of the huge decisions half the time, making him backdrop to the real action! Case in point, John's strange 6-4 eliminated Joe's pair of 5's on a deal of K-6-5-10-7, while Phil was still bouncing off the walls, going all-in for no apparent reason, and generally bringing down the house.

At this point, let me pull you aside for the sagely poker wisdom of Vince Van Patten. And this time I'm not being sarcastic. When fellow commentator Mike Sexton asked Vince what you do if you're playing with the likes of John Juanda, Gus Hansen or Hoyt Corkins, Vince intoned this classic line I wrote down for posterity:

"You fold, you run, and on your way out you throw things."

Strangely, that's pretty good advice.

Back at the insane asylum -- er, table -- Phil sent John packing, matching his K-Q against John's A-4. The flop went Q-3-2, and the turn of 7 and river of 4 didn't do anything for John. But you'd better believe Phil was rooting for his opponent's cards again.

Now it was heads-up play between Phil and Humberto, and the man who'd started on the short stack now had a commanding chip lead, with his over a million dollars to Humberto's roughly three hundred thousand. The two volleyed back and forth for half an hour, during which they both got the crowd chanting various things, checked each other's heart rates, and had more shtick than Conan O'Brien and Andy Richter. The continued cuts to Antonio in the audience laughing so hard he was probably crying pretty much said it all.

Finally, Phil Laak got his glory moment, matching his A-K, or "Big Slick," against Humberto's J-2. The first card on the flop was a queen, and that would be all Phil would need. The deal went Q-4-9-4-K, and the crazy man found himself $100,000 richer and going on to battle for the WPT Championship - where I imagine he'll drive a whole other horde of people insane. Can't you just imagine Erick Lindgren trying to keep his serenity while looking across the table at a guy doing push-ups? (Or if you really want to get weird, imagine being Antonio and living with the guy - that would be a sitcom I would watch!)

The final standings (only first place paid out):

1. Phil Laak - $100,000 2. Humberto Brenes 3. John Juanda 4. Joe Cassidy 5. Harry Demetriou 6. Antonio Esfandiari

What could possibly top all of that? Well, I'll tell you - the return of none other than Phil Gordon! That's right, next week Phil is at the final table at San Jose's Bay 101 Shooting Stars of Poker. And it'd be cruise control for him . except he has to go through current World Champion of Poker Chris Moneymaker, who has the most appropriate name ever for a poker player.

Moneymaker is immensely talented, but I'm sticking to my guns and cheering for Phil -- even though somebody has been kind enough to tell me how it ends already. If you have common sense, you'll be watching that matchup. And the next time I hear the phrase "The Unabomber," I'm going to have a very hard time not laughing.