40 ways to lose your lover

1. Acquire a jellymeat sandwich habit.

2. Try to beat the worls record for non-stop sneezing.

3. Watch movies about maladjusted couples who put each other through hell, and keep pointing to the screen, saying "That's just like us! We do that!"

4. When introducing your partner to other people, refer to her as your "squeeze", your "ball and chain" or your "stinky, stupid enemy".

5. Don't talk to him about anything except for how great his mother is.

6. When you talk, try to look past him.

7. Bite.

8. Tell her what you really think of her.

9. Eat raw garlic.

10. Make pig squeels your "lanuage of love".

11. Fake incontinence.

12. Keep a photo of your ex by the bed.

13. Buy a drum kit. Only get inspired at 4am.

14. Whenever she starts talking about herself, say, "Yeah, whatever".

15. Give him a stupid name like "Floopsy" or "Pumpkie", and address them only by that.

16. Never let her see your feet. She'll eventually become obsessed and you can dump her for being 'weird'.

17. Keep a dossier on each of his friends. Refer to it whenever you visit them.

18. Insist on living like a rat for a year as "part of my psychology experiment". Even if you are not studying psychology.

19. Move to another country because "absence makes the heart grow fonder".

20. Hold her hand whenever you're out in public. Don't let go.

21. Always make him walk two paces behind you.

22. Pretend to be an authority on every single topic of conversation.

23. Make the realtionship into a competition.

24. Get involved in all her work place squabbles.

25. Pay him a 'suprise' visit. Hide in his bedroom closet and when they come home, jump out screaming.

26. Have 'cliff-hanger' arguments, where you mysteriously dissappear halfway through and reappear at the same time a week later.

27. Go on a 'humour-strike' for charity. Never laugh and bring up depressing topics whenever the mood starts picking up.

28. Talk under your breath and scowl.

29. Point out how attractive you find her friends.

30. Practice conceptual art by smashing all his stuff and gluing it back together in novel ways.

31. Neglect to discuss your policy on "open relatonships" until he catches you opening up.

32. Get your name tattooed on her arm without telling her.

33. Never forgive, never forget.

34. Try to use the TV remote to turn him off when he gets on your nerves.

35. Make the 'Birdie dance' your special song.

36. Build a sandpit next to the bed.

37. Suggest counselling might help. When she agrees to go along, say "Hey not for me Buddy - you're the one with the problem".

38. Split up with him as soon as possible, because he just wants ta love ya and leave ya and tear out ya heart.

39. Run with scissors.

40. Make quote marks in the air with your fingers whenever you're talking about her so-called "life".