Before and After

1. Moving In

Before

Before she moves in, she wears teddies and suspenders, and you hold your farts in until she leaves the room; she's a gorgeous sex kitten and you tell her so; you're so sweet and adorable, and blow jobs follow ambient dinners like a fine port.

After

After she moves in, she farts in her grungy trackie bottoms while hypnotised by Coronation Street; you scratch your nuts unashamedly and bitch about work; oral sex is strictly quid pro quo and the new girl in the office really does have a great arse.

2. Addictions

Before

You tell her you don't mind the occasional cold beer on a hot day with your mates, and that you've taken recreational drugs but those days are well and truly over.

After

For the fifth night in a row you stagger in blotto, dig out your stash and skin up, pass out in the lounge in your underpants and expect her to accept that you're just being you.

2. Bodily functions

Before

You spray aerosol after a crap; piss on the side of the bowl to reduce noise and never, ever fart in her presence.

After

You fart in front of her with impunity and obvious pride, commenting on the food intake for the day and speculating on the resultant odour. Despite repeated pleas to the contrary, you fart in bed and hold her head under the covers. You think it's hilarious.

3. Relations/Friends

Before

Her Auntie Jane is a real character with a lively personality and interesting views about politics, and her unemployed girlfriend Amanda is a genuine, charming supportive friend who you think is really nice.

After

Auntie Jane is a loud-mouthed, pain-in-the-arse fascist with all the personality of a cold sore. Amanda is a manipulative loser, but you wouldn't mind doing her if the opportunity arose.

4. Sex

Before

Sex is a sweat-soaked, gymnastic romp that lasts for hours. You have sex to impress, using all your tricks. Having sex four times a day is not uncommon.

After

A wank is often preferable to the effort of sex. When you do have sex, you think about Amanda.

5. Attention span

Before

Her words are hypnotic; her wit is incisive; her anecdotes about her life pre-you are spellbinding. Over candlelight and coffee you listen with interest and politely chortle as she recounts stories of her childhood.

Before

Your eyes glaze over as soon as she mentions anything that doesn't involve you. What's more, you develop the uncanny ability to be able to concentrate on the T.V and listen to her at the same time. The phrase, "Are you listening to me?" becomes an evening mantra.

6. The flip side (the female perspective)

Before

She thinks you are witty, disciplined, a sexual athlete, attentive, loving, faithful and devoid of all crass male habits which have plagued her previous relationships.....but she suspects that you're full of shit.

After

She knows you're full of shit.