Golf: Grumbling about Golf

Perhaps it's the impatience with my Long Road Home or the blistering heat, but I've been in a surly mood lately and I want to fix not only myself, but everything in the sporting world.

The first thing I want to fix is professional golf -- specifically the PGA Tour and those who depend on it.

I have a lot of respect for golfers. They can play two days and not earn a dime.

In America at least, they don't receive appearance fees, nor expenses paid, and although the purses have skyrocketed recently, I think it's a fair system.

It's no secret that I love golf, but there are a few things that bug me about it.

* The Golf Channel and televised golf in general.

I have few qualms about what the Golf Channel covers, after all, you can see the European, Asian, Canadian, Nationwide, and even a bit of the PGA Tour (the other networks bagged the big tour) on it.

However, the Golf Channel has become the Tiger Woods fan club.

Now, I like Tiger and I don't think he's in a slump, but when he's out of contention I don't want to see him at the expense of others.

Witness this beauty from Kelly Tilghman.

During a tournament update earlier this year, Tilghman excitedly announced to the camera: "Tiger Woods has surged into the lead by making a bunch of birdies on the front nine (Cue the big smile). No, we're only kidding."

Maybe she meant to say they were only wishing since Tiger was well back.

Tilghman's credibility suffered a serious blow with that cheerleading.

Yes Kelly, we know your channel worships Tiger but try to keep it more subtle.

The Golf Channel has been getting heat lately for its blanket coverage of Woods.

Analyst Brian Hewitt's rebuttal is that Tiger is the best player in the world.

Yes he is, but how many times are you going to show Tiger's Top Ten and his major championship wins?

At the Nissan Open in February, Woods started the day in 44th and fired a sizzling 64 to finish in seventh, seven shots back.

It was great golf and the ABC broadcasters gushed about Tiger while playing partner Jay Williamson barely got a mention for doing the same thing.

I'm not picking on Woods, because the problem is with the broadcasting -- it was the same when Nicklaus was on the regular tour.

Yeah it's fine to see the big names wherever they are, but I also want to see how J.L. Lewis, Neal Lancaster and Carlos Franco are doing.

I want to see more of them than just a name and score rolling across the bottom of my screen.

* Can someone please buy golf commentators a thesaurus?

I was watching the Buick Classic (we'll talk about tournaments later) yesterday and I counted 68 uses of the word perfect when describing tee shots, lies in the fairway, lies in the rough, and places where the ball landed on the green.

According to Webster, perfect means being entirely without fault or defect, or satisfying all requirements.

I wonder how a drive 310 yards down the left side of the fairway can be perfect as can a 295 yard drive down the center.

Then we're told that one player has a better angle to the green.

Well, if that's true, then both shots can't be perfect.

Closely related are: tough break, unlucky and lucky.

We're told the player got a tough break because his approach rolled back down the hill after landing on the green.

The player is unlucky because his putt lipped out.

No, the truth is these shots weren't good enough to do the job.

Why not say something like that? Johnny Miller does.

On the flip side, we're told that the guy in the rough will be lucky to get it on the green from the fairway rough.

Naturally he knocks it within six feet and the commentators go wild.

Come on, it couldn't have been that hard of a shot.

* Then there is the merry-go-round with title sponsors. Pay close attention now, lest you get lost.

Last year's FBR Open was the previous year's Kemper Open.

This year it is the former Phoenix Open and the former FBR Open is now the Booz Allen Classic.

Try to keep a straight face when you say that, especially when the first suggestion under spellchecker is bozo.

The Greater Hartford Open is now the Buick Championship, not to be confused with the Buick Open, Buick Classic and Buick Invitational.

We also had the Buick Challenge that used to be the Southern Open.

Guess what is the "Official car of the PGA Tour?"

Of course, that doesn't stop Chrysler, Honda, Ford, Mercedes and John Deere from having their own events.

At least Buick stopped the rotating names in San Diego with the Buick Invitational.

From 1981-91 we had the Wickes Andy Williams San Diego Open, Isuzu Andy Williams San Diego Open, Shearson Lehman Brothers Andy Williams Open, Shearson Lehman Hutton Andy Williams Open, Shearson Lehman Hutton Open and the Shearson Lehman Brothers Open.

Are you still with me? There's more.

The Greater Greensboro Open is now the Chrysler Classic of Greensboro, but don't confuse it with the Chrysler Classic of Tucson, the Bob Hope Chrysler Classic, or the Chrysler Championship.

The Doral Open is now the Ford Championship following two years as the Genuity Championship.

The Bay Hill Classic is now presented by MasterCard which used to present the Colonial Invitational, which is now the Bank of America Colonial.

Bay Hill used to be presented by Cooper Tires and was the Nestle Invitational for a few years.

Over the past 15 years we have watched the Beatrice Western Open, Centel Western Open, Sprint Western Open, Motorola Western Open and Advil Western Open.

This year we have the Cialis Western Open. Make your own jokes.

A new tournament sprang up in 2000. The SEI Pennsylvania Classic became the Marconi Pennsylvania Classic before returning to SEI.

Now it is the 84 Lumber Classic, but sounds better as the Pennsylvania Classic.

The Greater Milwaukee Open is now the U.S. Bank Championship, but don't you dare confuse it with the Deutsche Bank Championship six weeks later.

Oh, and don't forget to sign up for the Wachovia Championship.

I understand the sponsor needs his plug since he's forking out big money, but why not the put the name of the city or golf course in the title?

Here are my proposed name changes to Tour commissioner Tim Finchem along with a few other gripes.

Unless otherwise noted, the sponsor gets his name before the tournament only if he commits for 10 years as in the FBR Open becomes the FBR Phoenix Open.

The Buick Open (in Michigan) has been going since the 1960s so it can stay as is.

The Buick Invitational (held in February in San Diego) becomes the California Invitational, we return to the Greater Harford Open instead of the Buick Championship, and the Buick Classic becomes the Westchester Classic again.

Tucson and Greensboro return to their former names and the Tucson tournament moves to a tougher course. I don't like guys shooting 22 under.

The Chrysler Championship in Palm Harbor, Florida, becomes the Gulf Coast Classic.

The Booz Allen Classic played in Potomac, Maryland, moves back to Congressional -- permanently -- and is christened the Capital Open.

The Honda Classic returns to Eagle Trace -- a much tougher track than the junk they've played on recently.

Honda has been running the event for over 20 years so they can keep the name.

The Sony Open is the Hawaiian Open again, or the Pacific Open.

The Nissan Open returns as the Los Angeles Open or even the Riviera Golf Classic in honor of the beautiful course it's played on.

The Ford Championship is reborn as the Doral Open.

The Wachovia Championship changes to the Quail Hollow Classic (the golf course) or the Carolina Classic -- this would enable it to rotate between Quail Hollow and the Pinehurst courses.

The U.S. Bank Championship returns to the Greater Milwaukee Open, while the Deutsche Bank Classic is now the Greater Boston Open or the New England Classic in honor of the tournament that used to be held nearby.

The Mercedes Championships gets back its old name -- the Tournament of Champions.

Whew! I think that's enough.

* I hope Tim Finchem was listening to the comments of the players at Westchester, as the pros were unanimous in their praise of the classic course.

The narrow, tree-lined fairways, deep rough, and undulating greens had the pros salivating for more. Let's have more of these courses on tour.

Westchester is only 6,700 yards but it proved length is not the key, shotmaking is.

* I wish people would get off Woods' back about his schedule.

People complain he doesn't play enough tournaments, but they had no problem when he was winning all the time.

He's an independent contractor and can work as much as he wishes.

Jack Nicklaus rarely played 20 events per year and he didn't do too badly.

I do wish he would try out a few different events though, such as Memphis and Hartford, I think the fans in those cities would love to see him.

* I wish Nicklaus would put up or shut up.

I'm tired of his "I don't know if I will retire or not" and State of the Bear soap opera of the past decade.

Look Jack, if you want to be the ceremonial golfer that's fine, but quit moaning every time you shoot 76.

We all know you have an artificial hip, arthritis, and no one expects you to win, especially on the regular tour.

If you want to retire, do it. Don't drag it out.

I'm also weary of your kids getting sponsor exemptions. The only one that did anything was Gary who lost a playoff at Atlanta a few years ago.

* I think exempt status needs an overhaul.

The top-100 should stay exempt, while 101-125 are demoted to the Nationwide Tour to be replaced by the top 25 from the lower tour.

A victory gives you a one-year exemption, not two.

* Why do so many golf fans wear a shirt with the name of their country club on it?

We don't care that you belong to Arrogant Golf and Country Club and probably drive an overpriced car.

Why do these same fans, when they see a writer's paraphernalia start chatting him up, drop names (I've caught several people in lies when this happens), tell me what courses they've played, and making sure I get the spelling of their name?

I'm not impressed and I won't use you in the article unless you have something insightful to say that pertains to the piece.

See, I told you I was in a lousy mood.