How To Create A Dysfunctional Child By Loving Them To Death

Today's parents seem to be missing a vital instinct when it comes to parenting. We are equating the providing of beautiful homes, lots of high tech gadgets, the right clothes and this kind of enabling love with being a good parent. Bill Allin's article "Finding Education's Missing Links: They Hamper Learning" set this chain of thought off.

Because children are so disruptive and dysfunctional in many schools, teachers cannot effectively carry out their mission to educate. He suggests that a program that in effect will teach children to deal with life is the way to solve or ameliorate this problem.

I disagree vehemently on this. What good does it do for a school to teach children these critical lessons, if they are absent at home? And I personally don't want any school taking over my parental rights to teach them these things.

If anything parents need to be the ones educated. Then it begins to make sense. Parents need to be held responsible for the character training and life lessons their children need. Funny thing, I always thought that was what parenting meant.

We have to start by teaching parents that children need structure and discipline that is consistent and clear.

We have to stop just giving our children everything they want, when they want it. When a parent does this, they help set up a series of expectations that may not be met down the road. It deprives a child of the ability to dream, to plan and to earn. The very things we all must do in adult life.

My children are not my friends, and I don't want them to get the idea that everyone will love them as I do. They need a parent they can respect. Someone they can trust to be stable and consistent with them.

From this basic truism of parenting then comes an open communication. My sons know they can ask us about anything. Sex, drugs, violence, war, politics, how to deal with girls, all of it. We did not want them getting information on sex, drugs or gangs from their peers. This open communication is often missing in modern homes. People are too busy acquiring things, or simply ferrying kids around to the soccer games or ballet lessons.

One meal a day taken together is so important. It doesn't matter what's discussed, as much as it does just being together, enjoying each other. So many children I know communicate with their parents by cell phones and e-mail, and come home to emptiness, and a note telling them to microwave something, or take the $50 bucks and get something to eat.

When they visit here, and smell home baked cookies or bread they get this sad wistful look, and tell me they wish they had this in their homes. Kurt Michael Friese said in his RAFT article that food has a powerful impact on our familial memories. What type of memory is a note on the refrigerator or an e-mail?

We have to stop enabling our children, by excusing negative behaviors, by casting blame on others. Where do children first learn this critical behavior? At home, from us. Hold yourself accountable when you are wrong. Then when you insist your children do the same, they have the role model standing behind the words.

In my book Building Great Children, the outline for successful and positive parenting is gone through step by step. There is little to no excuse for things to have gotten so bad, that schools are considering it necessary to do what we can or will not do-parent.

Raising good children requires time, patience, consistency, honesty and love. It is an enormous commitment and one that is not being met. What do you feel about this idea of schools taking over another parental responsibility?

Turning It Around
Stop trying to fix broken people.