Throwaway lines (cont)

It's always sad to see a promising career in stand-up comedy thrown away, especially when we lose one of our much-loved Westminster comedians, our most complete of entertainers - they make us laugh, they make us cry, they make us take to the streets and vomit en masse. And how could poor Ann "Wacky" Winterton have known that her material wouldn't play? I mean, those "throwing a fellow human being from a moving vehicle" jokes, they're like gold, a guaranteed thigh-slapper very time.

Like that favourite, "Why did the outraged journalists try to throw the BNP councillor off the bus?" "Because they'd forgotten that all of their previous editorials had invited him on in the first place." Or "Because the Gypsies made them do it." Or "Because the Guamanians/ Tibetans/Bavarians - fill in the blank as you wish - made them do it." That one lasts as long as the dictionary, a real winner.

Or "Why did the hard-pressed newspaper editor throw his detailed foreign coverage, his in-depth domestic and political reporting, out of the bus without a moment's hesitation?" "Because otherwise he would have nowhere to put his articles about genital enhancement, sub-celebrity knicker-flashing, meaningless TV award ceremonies and the current orientation of Beckham's foot."

Or the popular crowd-pleaser, "Why did the Israeli fundamentalist get the Israeli soldier to throw the Palestinian schoolgirl from the train?" "Because God had promised him her seat."

Which tends to fit well in a set that includes, "Why did the exploding Palestinian suicide bomber throw the Israeli mother and toddler from the train?" "Because of the schoolgirl." And "Why did the Israeli soldier bomb out records of seat ownership on the train?" "Because of the mother and toddler." And "Why isn't the UN observer allowed on the train?" "Because he'll spoil everyone's fun." It's a joke that just runs and runs.

Incidentally, "Why did the Palestinian Authority torturer, the US arms dealer, the UK arms dealer, the anti-Semite and the Arab-hater all throw every Middle East peace process they could find out of the train?" "Because what else would be in their best interest?" "And why did the Zionist and the Christian fundamentalist help them?" "Because they were both really tired of waiting for the end of the world." And, of course, the arms dealers only got on the train in the first place because they thought it was going to Iraq."

Talking of which, "Why did the American throw the Canadian from the car?" "Because he knew the Canadian wouldn't make a big deal of it, or demand the American attend any kind of inquiry in person, because - frankly - he can throw a shit load more Canadians and Brits and assorted other allies and pantywaist liberals out of any car he likes: it's his car, it burns democratic gasoline in commercially useful quantities, and it's the last hope of the civilised world."

Meanwhile, "Why did the liberal American throw himself from his own car?" "Because that's the only way he'll get any media attention in the US, short of sodomising George Bush in front of the Reflecting Pool in Washington. In any case, he's got so used to keeping his language correct and inoffensive to all possible others that he can no longer find the vocabulary to describe evil, never mind denounce it."

Which would bring us to, "Why did someone throw George Bush from a plane?" "What? You want every single reason? The plane would have landed before you could summarise the top 100 - just throw, damn you, throw."

Which runs neatly on to, "Why did someone throw Tony Blair from the plane?" "Same reason." Or "Because he's not a complete idiot and knows that using public transport can get you killed - you'd never get him near a train." Or "Because he was holding George Bush's hand."

And if you find any of the above tasteless, I agree - bigotry, profiteering, senseless misery and bloodshed are tasteless. It's also rather more tasteless that our elected representatives condone all the above and more and yet we do very little to stop them. Good thing we can still have a laugh then, isn't it?