Nine Protestors; Umpteen Cheese Sandwiches; and Eleven Million Viewers.

WHY ZIMBABWE'S VISIT IS IMMORAL

Don't be misled by the numbers. The nine people who used Zimbabwe's tour opener at Edgbaston on Saturday to protest against Robert Mugabe's regime were making a very good point: just because the World Cup has finished, it doesn't mean the murder and the starvation have finished too. The only thing that has changed since England's players objected on moral and security grounds to playing in Harare is the security. Which leaves the small matter of the morality. If there were any consistency, this tour would never have gone ahead at all.

Yet the apologists continue to line up. Writing in last Sunday's Observer, the chief executive of the ECB, Tim Lamb, trotted out the old arguments: not all cricket-playing nations are "parliamentary democracies with a history of freedom of speech"; cancelling the cricket wouldn't "make a scrap of difference" to Mugabe; British business still has links with Zimbabwe, so why should "the responsibility fall at my door"?

Excuse me, but haven't we been here very recently? How many times do we need to point out that sport has a symbolic value that transcends runs and wickets? Cancelling the cricket might not bring down Mugabe, but it would send him and the world a message. Carrying on as normal is no sort of message at all.

In an interview with Radio 5 Live, Henry Olonga, the Zimbabwean exile who will be commentating for Channel 4 this summer, had a different perspective. With his customary calm and eloquence, he argued that the tour should go ahead because he wants to keep Zimbabwe's human-rights abuses in the spotlight. This is more persuasive than the ECB's argument - Olonga's concerns are moral ones, the ECB's financial - but it still has holes, because as long as the cricket carries on, Mugabe looks like he's getting away with it.

Scyld Berry wrote in the Sunday Telegraph that hosting Zimbabwe isn't as bad as touring it. But would he have said the same about South Africa during apartheid? The fact is that the moral objections remain as powerful as ever. The nine protestors who braved the cold on Saturday knew this. It's about time the rest of us cottoned on too.

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QUOTE OF THE WEEK

"My first lover was the journalist Frank Keating, but not until I had a ring on my finger. It helped fuel my love - or infatuation - that he was tricky and exciting. The nearer we got to the wedding, the less sure he was. Instead of saying he was scared, he moved away emotionally. I was broken-hearted..." Hidden away in the Times, Anne Robinson reveals she once had a weak link - for one of the Guardian's finest.

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SILLY POINT: GATT IN A PICKLE

The Spin spent much of last week in rain-sodden Leicester - surprisingly diverting, since you ask - and at one stage shocked its fellow hacks by actually venturing outside the press box for reasons other than fresh air and sustenance. The object of its journalistic curiosity, as so often, was Nasser Hussain. He had just been dismissed for six and was about to step down as a Test selector, but was in a pretty chipper mood (oaths limited to single-figures, insults administered with a smile). But moods swing, and the Spin wondered exactly how Nasser felt after reading Mike Gatting's international exclusive in the News of the World (as opposed to his international exclusive in the Observer).

"I'm beginning to wonder if Nasser is losing the plot," spluttered Gatt, affectionately stroking a jar of branston pickle. "Over the past year, it's become clear Nasser has his own agenda and does what he wants. The final straw for me was when he said: 'I want to be a record-breaker, I want to play in 100 Tests.' Pausing for a moment to pose for fans with a cheese-ham-and-don't-go-easy-on-the-relish doorstep sandwich, Gatt added, "It was all me, me, me... It's no secret Nasser has always been one of the most self-centred cricketers around - single-minded, selfish and stubborn. Now it seems Nasser thinks he's bigger than the team."

Splattering onlookers with an indignant shower of pork-pie-enriched spittle, Gatt raged, "I couldn't believe the way Nasser was allowed to go off to Australia with his family and then to disappear after that First Test defeat in Brisbane to be at the birth of his second child, who should never have been allowed to have been born in Australia anyway." Now the Spin is willing to concede that Gatt probably didn't say that last bit. But, as crumbs from Mr Kipling's apple pies became lodged in his beard, one thing he did say was that "Nasser has always been big on self-preservation - on and off the field. Time for seconds!" Well, sort of, anyway.

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COW CORNER: I'M A HYPED-UP EX-CRICKETER, GET ME ETC

Phil Tufnell continues to tickle the papers with his crazy antics on ITV's reality gameshow, I'm a Nonentity... Get Me Out of Here. The Spin is yet to tune in, and - if analysis in our national press are anything to go by - feels sure it is missing out on a real treat. One Sunday broadsheet tells us that Tuffers "seems able to sleep, yet interact with his jungle mates at the same time". A tabloid reports that he has "learned how to sharpen a knife." As the Spin reeled from these revelations, it quickly became clear that others have been sharpening their tongues.

"Tuffers can always come back to England to play cricket if things don't work out for him," said one disgruntled Middlesex employee, "but it won't be with us." Middlesex were fuming that Tufnell left them in the lurch on the eve of the season, and were not exactly doing cartwheels when the Daily Mirror heard the news before they did. To make matters worse, Middlesex had already turned down the chance to sign Rupesh Amin, another left-arm spinner who moved to Leicestershire instead after leaving Surrey. That left them with only Paul Weekes, the occasional offie with a bowling average over 40, to shoulder the spin burden.

Graham Gooch, who captained Tufnell when he first played for England and whose relationship with him was not so much father-son as estranged-brothers-in-law, once observed that the best thing about Tuffers's bowling was that he wasn't fielding. And, after their initial fury, Middlesex seem to have come to the conclusion that the best thing about his new-found celebrity status is his new-found absence from the dressing-room, where he veered from the disruptive to the destructive. Now they hope he has to rough it in the Australian jungle for as long as possible - just to teach him a lesson. Maye the Spin will tune in after all: 11 million viewers can't be wrong. Can they?

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THE WEEK IN CRICKET

Stephen Fleming finishes with a New Zealand record match aggregate of 343 unbeaten runs in the drawn first Test against Sri Lanka in Colombo ... Wisden's Five Cricketers of the Year are Matthew Hayden, Adam Hollioake, Nasser Hussain, Shaun Pollock and Michael Vaughan ... Surrey recall Mark Butcher but drop Graham Thorpe and Rikki Clarke for the Championship match against Warwickshire ... The ECB award six-month summer contracts to Jimmy Anderson and Steve Harmison ... Derbyshire sign the India batsman Mohammad Kaif as their second overseas player on a four-month contract starting in June ... Viv Richards reportedly accuses Dennis Lillee of deliberately watering down his short-pitched onslaughts because he feared retaliation from West Indies' own battery of fast bowlers in the late 1970s ... Lillee calls Richards' comments "a heap of bulldust" ... Scotland sign Rahul Dravid as they prepare for their first season in Division Two of the one-day National League ... Sachin Tendulkar is expected to be out for at least three months following surgery in the USA to his left hand ... Essex and Sussex are granted extended use of their floodlights, which means they can switch them on during a day game if the umpires feel the natural light has become unplayable ... Ricky Ponting and Steve Waugh hit centuries in the third Test at Bridgetown, but Brian Lara goes in at No8 with suspected chickenpox ... Australia make it 3-0 with a nine-wicket win ... Lancashire are hoping to sign the former West Indies captain Carl Hooper as a replacement for the injured Harbhajan Singh ... South Africa hammer Bangladesh by an innings and 18 runs in the second Test at Dhaka to take the series 2-0 ... Nasser Hussain stands down as a Test selector and is replaced by Rodney Marsh ... Scotland begin their National League adventure with a four-wicket win over Durham ... Yorkshire are bowled out for 54 by Essex at Headingley, the lowest one-day score in their history

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THE WEEK AHEAD

On Wednesday, the big boys join cricket's answer to the FA Cup, in the third round of the Cheltenham & Gloucester Trophy ... On Friday, Australia set off for a clean sweep over West Indies in the fourth Test at St John's, Antigua ... On Saturday, Sri Lanka and Pakistan kick off a one-day triangular tournament in Dambulla ... New Zealand join the fun on Sunday , when they meet Pakistan