Voters hit the jackpot
Lionel Jospin and his wife had a terrible row this morning. All she said was, "I bet you never thought you'd be voting for Jacques Chirac tomorrow!" Honestly, some people can be so touchy sometimes.
To understand the misery of French socialists this weekend, imagine yourself having to vote for Margaret Thatcher to keep out the BNP. When you were alone in the polling booth, your hand would shake and then recoil at such an unnatural act. Your other hand would be needed to grip it and physically force it to put that supportive cross next to the words "Thatcher, Margaret, the Conservative party candidate".
Outside, Labour activists would be on hand to treat traumatised socialist voters, dispensing sympathetic counselling and vomit bags while in the distance hard left demonstrators chanted "Maggie, Maggie, Maggie, In! In! In!"
In Britain this week, electoral turnout was up from appalling to just dismal, prompted in part by Le Pen's success and the spectre of gains for the BNP. The lazy excuse that "they're all the same" now seems a little hollow.
"I mean what's the point in voting. One lot say they are going to invest in education and the other lot say they are going to invade Poland. I can't see any difference between them, frankly."
"Exactly, one party promises more bobbies on the beat and the other promises to create Lebensraum for the Nordic master race. There's nothing to choose between them any more."
We won't always be able to rely on French fascists to push up our local election turnout a meagre 5% or so, and drastic action is still needed to tackle voter apathy. On Thursday all sorts of pilots schemes were attempted to encourage people to take part. In Hackney, the entire election was done by postal voting and we are expecting the result as soon as last year's Christmas cards are finally sorted.
Residents in other boroughs were able to vote using the remote control on their digital televisions. After pressing the wrong button, residents in one ward have discovered that their local councillor is now Will Young from Pop Idol.
Another experiment was internet voting, which was heralded as the greatest leap for democracy since the hanging chad. If only they'd had voting by computer in Florida, that would have made people less suspicious wouldn't it? It's not just the idea of hacking that's so scary; it is the political opinions and interests of those anoraks who spend endless nights alone in front of their computers. "And the winner of the Antrim North byelection, by over a million last-minute online votes, is Pre-Op Ladyboy Lola of the White Supremacist Bondage party".
Other votes on Thursday were cast using text messaging. Imagine the arguments at the count while the returning officer tried to sort out all the messages that said "IM VTNG 4 LB" between Labour, the Liberals Democrats and the zany Lord Dyslexia. Next they'll be suggesting voting by telepathy. Mystic Meg will be employed to sit in the polling station and say, "I can sense that Mr Jones at 23 Station Road wishes to vote Lib Dem but would mistakenly vote for only one council candidate instead of the permitted three."
Next week a private members' bill is to be tabled which proposes compulsory voting, but sadly no MPs will bother turning up to the chamber to vote for it: "What's the point, you know it never changes anything."
Maybe we should try thinking in terms of a carrot instead of a stick. Here is one possible idea to radically increase voter turnout at a stroke. On the Saturday after the election, there should be an additional lottery draw for a multimillion-pound jackpot. For this draw you wouldn't have to buy a lottery ticket; all you'd have to do is vote in that Thursday's election.
The prize money could come from within the system: every time there is no jackpot winner, half a million could be taken out of the amount to roll over. The fund would build up until there was a huge jackpot to be won on the Saturday after the election. But you are only in the draw if you voted. Turnout would shoot up to 80%, with just a handful of billionaires saying "I can't see the point, it wouldn't change anything."
Obviously this "voters' jackpot" idea would need to be piloted somewhere first, and I am happy to suggest my own ward as the ideal testing ground. In fact, just my road would probably be all you needed to try it out, maybe odd numbers only.
It might strike some people as a bit vulgar, but drastic action needs to be taken. In the first normal British election after the second world war, the turnout was 84%. But it's not as if there's ever going to be another Nazi takeover of mainland Europe to make us sit up and realise the importance of taking part. Oh hang on, no, that's tomorrow isn't it?
To understand the misery of French socialists this weekend, imagine yourself having to vote for Margaret Thatcher to keep out the BNP. When you were alone in the polling booth, your hand would shake and then recoil at such an unnatural act. Your other hand would be needed to grip it and physically force it to put that supportive cross next to the words "Thatcher, Margaret, the Conservative party candidate".
Outside, Labour activists would be on hand to treat traumatised socialist voters, dispensing sympathetic counselling and vomit bags while in the distance hard left demonstrators chanted "Maggie, Maggie, Maggie, In! In! In!"
In Britain this week, electoral turnout was up from appalling to just dismal, prompted in part by Le Pen's success and the spectre of gains for the BNP. The lazy excuse that "they're all the same" now seems a little hollow.
"I mean what's the point in voting. One lot say they are going to invest in education and the other lot say they are going to invade Poland. I can't see any difference between them, frankly."
"Exactly, one party promises more bobbies on the beat and the other promises to create Lebensraum for the Nordic master race. There's nothing to choose between them any more."
We won't always be able to rely on French fascists to push up our local election turnout a meagre 5% or so, and drastic action is still needed to tackle voter apathy. On Thursday all sorts of pilots schemes were attempted to encourage people to take part. In Hackney, the entire election was done by postal voting and we are expecting the result as soon as last year's Christmas cards are finally sorted.
Residents in other boroughs were able to vote using the remote control on their digital televisions. After pressing the wrong button, residents in one ward have discovered that their local councillor is now Will Young from Pop Idol.
Another experiment was internet voting, which was heralded as the greatest leap for democracy since the hanging chad. If only they'd had voting by computer in Florida, that would have made people less suspicious wouldn't it? It's not just the idea of hacking that's so scary; it is the political opinions and interests of those anoraks who spend endless nights alone in front of their computers. "And the winner of the Antrim North byelection, by over a million last-minute online votes, is Pre-Op Ladyboy Lola of the White Supremacist Bondage party".
Other votes on Thursday were cast using text messaging. Imagine the arguments at the count while the returning officer tried to sort out all the messages that said "IM VTNG 4 LB" between Labour, the Liberals Democrats and the zany Lord Dyslexia. Next they'll be suggesting voting by telepathy. Mystic Meg will be employed to sit in the polling station and say, "I can sense that Mr Jones at 23 Station Road wishes to vote Lib Dem but would mistakenly vote for only one council candidate instead of the permitted three."
Next week a private members' bill is to be tabled which proposes compulsory voting, but sadly no MPs will bother turning up to the chamber to vote for it: "What's the point, you know it never changes anything."
Maybe we should try thinking in terms of a carrot instead of a stick. Here is one possible idea to radically increase voter turnout at a stroke. On the Saturday after the election, there should be an additional lottery draw for a multimillion-pound jackpot. For this draw you wouldn't have to buy a lottery ticket; all you'd have to do is vote in that Thursday's election.
The prize money could come from within the system: every time there is no jackpot winner, half a million could be taken out of the amount to roll over. The fund would build up until there was a huge jackpot to be won on the Saturday after the election. But you are only in the draw if you voted. Turnout would shoot up to 80%, with just a handful of billionaires saying "I can't see the point, it wouldn't change anything."
Obviously this "voters' jackpot" idea would need to be piloted somewhere first, and I am happy to suggest my own ward as the ideal testing ground. In fact, just my road would probably be all you needed to try it out, maybe odd numbers only.
It might strike some people as a bit vulgar, but drastic action needs to be taken. In the first normal British election after the second world war, the turnout was 84%. But it's not as if there's ever going to be another Nazi takeover of mainland Europe to make us sit up and realise the importance of taking part. Oh hang on, no, that's tomorrow isn't it?
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