School's out
Two major educational problems emerged this week: truancy and exclusions. It seems that if children are refusing to turn up for lessons, it makes it very difficult to expel them.
"Listen lad, if you keep being absent from school like this, you won't be allowed into school, do you understand?"
"No."
"No, neither do I."
The Department for Education and Skills says that exclusions are only being used in extreme circumstances, such as when children are dealing in hard drugs or bringing weapons into the playground.
Honestly, did these ministers never play swapsies when they were at school? "I'll swap you my plastic snake for your Bobby Moore Esso Cup Coin," or "I'll swap you this kilo of heroin for your Kalashnikov semi-automatic." Yet another innocent playground pastime banned by the do-gooders of the political correctness brigade!
Apparently some of these schools are so rough that the few kids having music lessons have to smuggle their violins into class hidden inside machine-gun cases. Last week an 11-year-old girl was excluded for punching a teacher, which might be worth bearing in mind when they come to update What Katy Did Next. This week's figures represent the first increase in school exclusions since Labour came to power. And the number looks set to rise further with whole classes expected to be sent home next month. The fact that this will happen to be on the days of England World Cup matches will be pure coincidence.
It is a bit hard to know what to do when teenagers have already strayed so far outside the system. Iain Duncan Smith has come up with a few tough suggestions of his own to punish Britain's errant schoolkids: officer cadets will be denied permission to wear their uniform on St George's day, and boarders won't be allowed to read the lesson in chapel. But it's possible that this may not be enough.
One mother was recently sent to prison because her daughters were consistently missing school. Except the prison governor suddenly spotted her with her daughters in the Arndale Centre. "Hang on - you're supposed to be in jail. What are you doing coming out of Asda?" To which her daughters replied: "Nah, she had to come shopping with us today; she might be in later in the week..." Being teenage daughters the girls were probably not too concerned that their actions had sent their mother to prison. "Oh God, why's there no food in the fridge? Honestly, she's so selfish!"
Suddenly teenagers have another means of bullying their parents. "Right, either you let me get my eyebrow pierced or I'm skiving off school today and you'll be back inside. It's your choice, Mum."
Obviously many of these problems start at home. My old English teacher told me that when he took a class on a school trip round the local police station his most disruptive pupil glanced into the cells and said a cheery "Hello, Dad!" The way things are going, this might be the only way for truants to see their parents, but at least they'll be taking part in school trips.
However, the idea of taking child benefit away from the parents of consistent truants is not acceptable. You can take parents to court and the judge may choose to fine them. But child benefit is not a special treat for best behaved parents, it is a hardfought for right for all.
"These parents are living in poverty and have lost control of their children."
"Okay, well the solution must be to make them poorer!"
Of course it's not always that easy to track down the kids who are playing truant. One effective method is for teachers to ring the phone numbers of their stolen mobiles and then when some- one answers, to say: "Why aren't you in class today?"
Some excuses are better than others. "Why isn't your 14-year-old daughter in school this morning?" "Because she's giving birth to twins."
"Oh, I see. Well what about her little brother?"
"Well someone had to drive her to the hospital."
Most truancy actually takes place with the parent's permission. By "truancy" we are obviously only referring to working-class children being off school - it is an entirely different matter if middle-class parents are taking their kids out during term time, because that was the only week the villa in Tuscany was available.
"Oh yes, I mean think of the educational value little Henry will get from seeing the architecture in Florence and Pisa."
"Quite, and last year he learned several Italian words like, erm, 'pizza'..."
Local authorities are now employing truancy officers to question parents who are out and about with their kids during school hours. The next stage will be to patrol Legoland and Disneyland Paris, where they'll catch thousands at a time. They'll hide inside the Mickey Mouse costume and just when mum and dad think a giant cartoon character is hugging their kids, they'd suddenly realise Mickey is picking them up and slinging them in the back of a police van.
"What's this ride called?'
"Back to school-land. Now shut up."
"Listen lad, if you keep being absent from school like this, you won't be allowed into school, do you understand?"
"No."
"No, neither do I."
The Department for Education and Skills says that exclusions are only being used in extreme circumstances, such as when children are dealing in hard drugs or bringing weapons into the playground.
Honestly, did these ministers never play swapsies when they were at school? "I'll swap you my plastic snake for your Bobby Moore Esso Cup Coin," or "I'll swap you this kilo of heroin for your Kalashnikov semi-automatic." Yet another innocent playground pastime banned by the do-gooders of the political correctness brigade!
Apparently some of these schools are so rough that the few kids having music lessons have to smuggle their violins into class hidden inside machine-gun cases. Last week an 11-year-old girl was excluded for punching a teacher, which might be worth bearing in mind when they come to update What Katy Did Next. This week's figures represent the first increase in school exclusions since Labour came to power. And the number looks set to rise further with whole classes expected to be sent home next month. The fact that this will happen to be on the days of England World Cup matches will be pure coincidence.
It is a bit hard to know what to do when teenagers have already strayed so far outside the system. Iain Duncan Smith has come up with a few tough suggestions of his own to punish Britain's errant schoolkids: officer cadets will be denied permission to wear their uniform on St George's day, and boarders won't be allowed to read the lesson in chapel. But it's possible that this may not be enough.
One mother was recently sent to prison because her daughters were consistently missing school. Except the prison governor suddenly spotted her with her daughters in the Arndale Centre. "Hang on - you're supposed to be in jail. What are you doing coming out of Asda?" To which her daughters replied: "Nah, she had to come shopping with us today; she might be in later in the week..." Being teenage daughters the girls were probably not too concerned that their actions had sent their mother to prison. "Oh God, why's there no food in the fridge? Honestly, she's so selfish!"
Suddenly teenagers have another means of bullying their parents. "Right, either you let me get my eyebrow pierced or I'm skiving off school today and you'll be back inside. It's your choice, Mum."
Obviously many of these problems start at home. My old English teacher told me that when he took a class on a school trip round the local police station his most disruptive pupil glanced into the cells and said a cheery "Hello, Dad!" The way things are going, this might be the only way for truants to see their parents, but at least they'll be taking part in school trips.
However, the idea of taking child benefit away from the parents of consistent truants is not acceptable. You can take parents to court and the judge may choose to fine them. But child benefit is not a special treat for best behaved parents, it is a hardfought for right for all.
"These parents are living in poverty and have lost control of their children."
"Okay, well the solution must be to make them poorer!"
Of course it's not always that easy to track down the kids who are playing truant. One effective method is for teachers to ring the phone numbers of their stolen mobiles and then when some- one answers, to say: "Why aren't you in class today?"
Some excuses are better than others. "Why isn't your 14-year-old daughter in school this morning?" "Because she's giving birth to twins."
"Oh, I see. Well what about her little brother?"
"Well someone had to drive her to the hospital."
Most truancy actually takes place with the parent's permission. By "truancy" we are obviously only referring to working-class children being off school - it is an entirely different matter if middle-class parents are taking their kids out during term time, because that was the only week the villa in Tuscany was available.
"Oh yes, I mean think of the educational value little Henry will get from seeing the architecture in Florence and Pisa."
"Quite, and last year he learned several Italian words like, erm, 'pizza'..."
Local authorities are now employing truancy officers to question parents who are out and about with their kids during school hours. The next stage will be to patrol Legoland and Disneyland Paris, where they'll catch thousands at a time. They'll hide inside the Mickey Mouse costume and just when mum and dad think a giant cartoon character is hugging their kids, they'd suddenly realise Mickey is picking them up and slinging them in the back of a police van.
"What's this ride called?'
"Back to school-land. Now shut up."
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