General: Monday Morning Monologue

Let's start the balls rolling with a little joke that killed 'em in Hibbing.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Mientkiewicz.

Minky who?

You know, Doug Mientkiewicz, (pronounced Mint Cave Itch, which sounds really painful, by the way.) The guy who hit .229 in '99, then couldn't even make the awful Twins lineup in 2000, so he had to go play for the U.S. Olympic team and helped them win a gold medal and now he's second in the league in hitting at .388 with nine homers and the Twins, who had the worst record in the American League last year, are 29-13 and neck and neck with the powerful Indians for first place.. You know, THAT Doug Mientkiewicz! That's baseball for you. I think it was Shootie Babbitt or maybe Whitey Herzog who summed it up best, "(Bleep)ed if I know." Or words to that effect.

If the Twins are the best story in sports right now, here's one that appears to have materialized solely to keep callers to sports-radio shows from going outdoors and acquiring some sort of life. Yes, Vince Carter is now a college graduate. Call me crazy, but I think Tyrone Hill had more to do with Carter's last-second miss than his extracurricular activities. The fascination with what your favourite NBA players do in their spare time has now progressed to the point where a guy gets criticized by every shmuck with his own show for going to his graduation ceremony! Can we please come to some kind of agreement on this issue and post it at every arena, stadium and gymnasium in North America? Shopping for blow jobs the night before the Super Bowl - bad. Getting your mitts on a university diploma - not so bad. Granted, when Carter hits free agency next summer, he'll be able to afford his own school, and maybe even a few University of Minnesota professors. But before long, guys are going to be jumping to the league straight from grammar school. And when they leave their teams to attend the big dodge-ball banquet or go to the junior prom, ole' Vince Carter won't seem so crazy. In a related story, Rasheed Wallace is currently undergoing the difficult process of "quiet time" and hopes to graduate kindergarten within the year.

Whew! The excitement of the draft lottery is over for another year. Hmm, I'd think it was more than a little fishy that Jordan won the thing, but given his 'enthusiastic' gambling history, he'll probably go double or nothing and blow the pick. Besides, this is not the greatest year to have the number one selection. Now that the Wiz are on the clock, let's review their options. There's the brain that ate college basketball, Shane Battier; China's own Yao Ming, who may or may not have swatted down that U.S. spyplane; and sixty kids who aren't old enough to drive. Can an owner draft himself?

Looks like the Lakers won't be stopped by anything but Shaq biting his tongue off during his next speech. Maybe the Spurs will make something of the West final, but of course, any series that starts on a Saturday night on NBC can't be expected to last very long. (Sorry, last shot at the XFL, I promise.)

Barry Bonds just hit two more home runs. He's now 13th all-time in homers, but still tied for 3, 998th in personality.

On the ice, the Devils and Avalanche appear all set to dust off their respective opponents and go head-to-head for the Stanley Cup. The St. Louis Blues were expected to give the Forsberg-less Avs some trouble, but that was before goalie Roman Turek started treating the puck like it was a Jehovah's Witness banging on the door during dessert - something to be avoided at all times. Pittsburgh can also say goodbye to their Cup considerations, especially as long as Jaromir Jagr keeps acting much more flighty than the bird on his uniform. In Game 4, he broke his stick, and instead of grabbing a replacement from the bench, disappeared into the bowels of the Igloo for another one, then wandered out onto the ice in the middle of play, causing a penalty. Maybe all that long hair he used to have is where he kept his sticks - and his brains. An interesting twist to a potential Jersey-Colorado match-up is that the Devils used to play in Denver as the Rockies. Of course (or should I say bien sur,) the Avalanche used to play in Quebec City as les Nordiques. I bring that last fact up only because I love typing 'les Nordiques.' Almost as much as I love typing Mientkiewicz.