Weekly Meetings Help Families to Manage Schedules, Stress

By Betsy Riley

Our parents’ generation complained about the rat race, but at least in their day most families had only one breadwinner battling a relentless agenda. Now it seems that every family member is on the treadmill. Infants are taking swimming lessons, toddlers are learning gymnastics and 1st graders are going to cheerleading camps -- while older kids are keeping up with exhausting athletic, music and tutoring schedules. A recent University of Michigan study found that 75 percent of kids' weekday time is scheduled with either school or specific activities. In 1981, that figure was only 40 percent.

For the Hightower family in Atlanta, the breaking point came when their son Gus, then 6 years old, missed an end-of-the-year swimming party for his first-grade class -- simply because the invitation had gotten buried in a mound of paperwork. Gus’s parents, Ed and Elaine, were both working full time. And, as Gus was their oldest child, they were just learning to cope with the steady stream of paperwork that comes home from today’s typical elementary school.

"Gus was too young to remember or know it was coming up," says Elaine. "When he found out about having missed it, he was bitterly disappointed. Ed and I just hadn’t communicated about it. We’re not sure who had seen the invitation or if both of us had; but we hadn’t said, ‘Okay, that’s coming up. Who’s going to make sure he gets there?’"

A counselor suggested that the Hightowers start holding family meetings. Now, as Gus heads into middle school, those weekly sessions are still keeping everyone on track. And even more importantly, the meetings have evolved into a cherished time for family bonding, for sharing the week’s triumphs and challenges, and for passing along deeper values.

Does it ever seem as if your life is running you rather than the other way around? Family meetings provide a way to "stop the insanity" -- to slow down and assess where you’re going and why you’re headed there in such a hurry.

Mental health professionals have been recommending family meetings since the 1950s as a way to coordinate busy schedules and delegate chores. Many families have found that this tool not only helps them organize their lives, but it also provides a time to discuss what matters, to listen to each other’s concerns, and to resolve potential conflicts. Children especially adore the opportunity to voice their opinions and help plan the family’s activities.

Over the years, the Hightowers have developed a formula for their weekly gatherings. Here’s their advice for five important elements. Appropriately enough, the first letters spell the word, PEACE.

Praise -- Begin your meeting by praising children for their accomplishments or good attitudes. Although general compliments are always nice, try to recognize specific behaviors. For example, say, "I like the way you introduced yourself to Mrs. Phillips," instead of "I like it when you’re friendly." After you get the ball rolling, "open the floor" to anyone who wants to pay someone a compliment. Encourage siblings to commend each other, and teach children to say "thanks" after receiving kind words.

Expectations -- Review chores and discuss problems completing assigned tasks. Again, be specific. ("Put the top on the toothpaste when you’re finished," rather than "Keep the bathroom clean.") It’s also an opportunity to teach your children how to set long- and short-term goals. For example, if a piano recital is coming up, encourage your child to memorize one page each week or to practice the piece five times daily. Children will be more likely to "buy into" these goals if they help set them.

Agenda -- During the week, any family member may jot down an issue he or she wishes to raise during the next meeting. This is the time to bring up family policies, negotiate disputes, set priorities, or plan long-range activities like vacations and summer camp -- whatever your family needs to resolve that week.

Calendar -- Pull out the master calendar and coordinate busy family schedules. Who’s picking up whom, when and where?

Earnings -- End your family meeting by distributing allowances. If you hand out the money earlier, it will create a distraction. Also, the prospect of getting paid is sure to hold your children’s interest until the end. If your family doesn’t use allowances, this final "E" can stand for "Ending." Wrap up your meeting with a prayer, song or cheer -- any positive affirmation of your family team. A good idea even if you do give out allowances!

Elaine was sold on how meaningful family meetings could be, but she also realized that not every family would find it easy to organize them. An art director at the nationally acclaimed Atlanta Magazine, she was used to presenting information in ways that made it fun and easy to use. So she put her professional talents to work designing a journal to guide families through weekly meetings.

She recruited her colleague Betsy Riley to help write inspiring weekly agendas, and the result is "Our Family Meeting Book: Fun and Easy Ways to Manage Time, Build Communication and Share Responsibility Week-by-Week." Published by Free Spirit Publishing, this workbook provides the missing tool that makes meetings easy and fun. Its lovely format also makes it a valuable keepsake. "Our Family Meeting Book," is now available. To order a copy, go to your local bookstore, call (866) 703-7322 or log on to www.OurFamilyMeeting.com.