On Starting a New Religion

Sometime back I wrote an article here on Buzzle called 'On Born Again Christianity'. I got so much unChristian mail on account of it, it was quite an eye-opener - and totally, totally flattering, I must say - I mean, you know, so many people actually give so much shit about what I think?

And I decided that if my opinion is so count-worthy, why don't I stop just opinionating and do something?

So, people, I'm starting a new religion. It's called KenBarbietology.

KenBarbietology is about bringing sheer honesty back into our society. That means we're going to be very, very honest with everyone. That means we're not going to make any claims about bettering your life here on earth and we're not going to promise you either harps or virgins in the after life - and in case you're the type that's likely to gravitate in the downward direction, yore in luck, dude, we ain't into hell-fire either.

KenBarbietology operates on the following premises -

1. The human race was founded by Ken and Barbie - that our originators were perfect plastic people is proved by the current fascination with plastic surgery and Botox - we're only reverting back to our ancestral memories.

2. Ken and Barbie didn't come to earth from a different planet in a spaceship and neither did they evolve in the Middle-Eastern desert heat or even in a well-manicured garden. They arrived on a spark of an idea and an earth-shaking blitz - an event that, these days, we celebrate by the term 'advertising'.

3. Ken and Barbie are a couple of equals. That means neither is more valuable than the other, nor sprang from the other's rib nor navel. No, they each had their own mold. As do we all.


4. We suffer from materialism, because Ken and Barbie bought the apple. From a vending machine no less.

5. The Great Flood occurred in my bath-tub.

As a KenBarbietologist, you are expected to follow the following rules -

1. You can only listen to and sing along to music by Aqua - particularly the track 'Barbie Girl' ('I'm a Barbie Girl') - that goes for you men-folk too, until we can get the band to compose 'I'm a Ken Lad' - I've emailed the band in this regard and we should get a reply soon.

2. You must also see only cartoon films on the life of Ken and Barbie. Nothing else is allowed.

3. Read only Barbie Literature. I recommend Mattel's Barbie Catalog.

4. Don't even think of mingling with people having other religious philosophies. We don't want to be corrupted with their ideas. If they try to tell you that their religion is better than ours because it really made a difference in their lives, don't buy it. They only think so. Or they're lying. In any case, it's a foolish fallacy that exists simply because they haven't opened up their lives yet to Ken and Barbie.

5. We must all strive to save and bring these errant souls, for their own good, into our doll-house. If you bring twenty-five back a day, you get a coupon to buy the latest Barbie Model. Another twenty-five, and you qualify for Ken. Fifty, and you get 'em together.

6. In fashion-sense, you must follow Ken and Barbie's lead, right down to the underwear. This is not for any spiritual protection, but for your own physical attraction.

7. KenBarbietologists are expected to regard their bodies as narcissistically as possible and stay in fine shape. This means enhance plastically every year, drug yourself into happiness daily, and give your car a rest occasionally. That means exercise, people. According to research, a good work-out requires at least twenty jumps on Oprah's couch. Until she makes it available for us - as surely she will, I have sent her an email too - we must make do with our own. Remember, people, twenty minimum, and no cheating. Ken and Barbie are watching everything you do.

8. All KenBarbietologists are expected to participate in Mass-Shopping. We meet every Sunday and shop. Since we were born materialists, there is no point in fighting the atavistic urge.

9. All KenBarbietologists are forbidden to celebrate Our Marketing Campaign Day with an animal or bird sacrifice. On our special day, people, we want every living thing to be happy.

10. All KenBarbietologists must learn to differentiate between religion and sex. If we have questions regarding the first, we must, of course, write to Customer Service at Mattel. If we are having problems with the second, we must not call Customer Service at Mattel. Ken and Barbie don't care who you sleep with, why, what happened as a result, and what you're going to do about it. There are some things they don't watch over, and feel you must resolve on your own.

11. In all other things, however, total obedience is required. You're not allowed to question or argue however bizarre you secretly think these rules are. They were coined to achieve a higher purpose. And, as a born materialist, you are not in the position to be higher up than this purpose.

12. You must believe implicitly in Ken and Barbie. They sit on shop shelves and withstand torture from little kids for YOUR sake.

13. All KenBarbietologists must polish up their self-defense skills, because, people, we're going to need them. The problem with today's society is that not only nobody respects anybody's beliefs, but they're also starting up the Crusades once more.

Well, until I have another blinging revelation in the Mall and can think up some more gems, I think that's about it, folks.

Please make haste and join up before the rush gets overwhelming. And, yes, don't forget to bring along your cheque-books. A hefty monetary contribution is the first step towards becoming a KenBarbietologist. After your official inclusion, you need regularly only submit half your monthly salary.

Now let's all hold hands virtually, close our eyes, and pray fervently that we don't get sued for trademark violation.