On A Million Ducats

The Brobdingnagian Bards are one of my favorite music groups and I really enjoy their song 'If I had a million ducats'. I've often day-dreamed about what I would do if I indeed had that kind of money - I even wrote a long essay on the subject back in school and it still confounds me why the teacher had to get so uptight and upset about it - buy this, buy that, travel here, travel there, she fumed, there is nothing whatsoever here about giving to charities and adding to any kind of good works, this essay, let me tell you, says nothing salutary at all about your character - in fact it displays you in a very poor light, without the slightest trace of benevolence or moral excellence anywhere!

But, anyway, the unexpected really happened the other day. Someone came straight out and offered me a million gold ducats. Well, 20 million dollars with eagle pictures on them anyway. I got an e-mail from a total stranger. The subject line 'Letter of Intent' seemed suspect - was it a virus or a viral marriage proposal? - I get quite a few of the first and a mercifully rare few of the second - so I googled the name to see if the stranger had a solid web presence. And there he was - he had posted that same subject 'Letter of Intent' on a message board. A Nigerian citizen - aside from outright curiosity, it was this that made me read the 'Letter of Intent' on the message board - I grew up in Nigeria and have a long lingering fondness for that country. This person was a Nigerian lawyer - so he said - and was getting in touch with total strangers to offer to transfer 20 million dollars into their bank account if they agreed to a few simple things -

1. First, stand in as next of kin for an American citizen, who had died kinless and with 20 million dollars unclaimed. If that money was not claimed by a next-of-kin and soon, it would be appropriated by the corrupt Nigerian government and used to fuel the ongoing war-fare in the African Continent. It would only be a mark of sheer humanity and the display of the milk of human kindness if the money was milked out to another source.

2. Second, send him the details of their bank account so he could easily make the transfer.

3. Thirdly, agree honorably to split the money with him.

4. Fourthly, help him invest his share of the money in their home country.

5. That's all. Let this be the start of a beautiful new friendship.

Once I was young and innocent and nearly always swallowed everything - well, almost everything - that anyone shoveled in my direction. I believed in Santa Claus and fairy tales - and in the Statue of Liberty, you know. Now I always look a gift horse in the mouth, and require him to neigh loudly too a couple of times in bargain.

So I started thinking -

1. What would it be like to return to Nigeria on an extradition order for having participated in an obvious fraud? I still have to check if India has an extradition treaty with Nigeria. And what are the interiors like at the prisons over in Nigeria? The last time I was in that country, I saw a man being hanged in public once, but being, like I mentioned before, young and innocent, I was never offered the chance to explore the inside of the state prison system. I think I read on some Human Rights website or the other that they are not exactly modern or up-to-date and kindness and mercy are unknown qualities.

2. Why send the bank account details? Hasn't this chap heard of Pay Pal?

3. I have a problem with sharing. It's my Grandmother's fault. She decided I was one selfish soul in need of urgent reformation and so she gave me innumerable lectures on how she so open-heartedly always shared even a mustard seed with her many siblings. That quite totally put me off sharing even a chocolate ball with anyone.

4. If he's smart enough to transfer, why isn't he smart enough to invest himself? Let him find the details on the Internet. I'm not going to spend my days reading up on shares and business and stuff. I bypassed the subjects in school with good reason.

5. I'm not about to have a beautiful friendship with someone who attaches so many conditions to it.

So that's why I never wrote the man back. I hope he takes the hint and doesn't keep up the correspondence.