TEST YOURSELF: Are you a Neanderthal?

As you know, Neanderthal man may have interbred with modern man. His descendants are with us even today, passing for full-blooded Homo Sapiens. If you suspect a "touch of the old hand ax" in your ancestry and you want to find out for sure, score yourself with this simple test:

1. Do your eyebrows meet in the middle? If so, give yourself 5 points.
   
2. Can you lock your knees in an upright position? If not, subtract 5 points.
   
3. Got a chin? If the answer is no, add 3 points.
   
4. How about a forehead? If not, add another 3 points.
   
5. Do you ever open Coke bottles with your teeth? If you do, add 10 points.
   
6. Is it easy for you to balance a book on your head? Then give yourself 5 points.
   
7. Are you frequently more comfortable squatting on your heels than sitting in a chair? Subtract 5 points.
   
8. Is your head attached vertically to your head? If not, add 1 point for every 5 degrees of slope.
   
9. Less than five feet tall? Add 1 point for every inch under.
   (Note: this question only applies to fully grown people.)
   
10. If your lower arm is shorter than your upper arm, add 1 point for every inch of difference.
    
11. Ditto for your lower legs and upper legs.
    
12. Pigeon toed? Add 5 points.
    
13. Have you ever felt like bashing a Democrat in the head with a club? If so, then you’re normal--no points.
    
14. Is the space between your big toe and your other toes big enough to hold an apple? Add 5 points.
    
15. Do you regularly eat apples this way? Add 15 points.
    
16. Do you think you're wearing your hair in a bun when you're not? Give yourself 5 more points.
    
17. Can you count your vertebrae while wearing two sweaters and an overcoat? Subtract 5 points.
    
18. Is your nickname "Duke," "Butch," or "Animal"? That’ll get you 3 points.

Scoring:
0-20 points: You are a virtually pure Homo Sapien. Feel free to build bridges, compose symphonies, and overrun the world.

20-40 points: A slight Neanderthal strain means that you will occasionally have spells of primitive behavior, crawling around on all fours and whooping wildly. If you live in California, no one will notice.

40-60 points: You can still function quite well in the modern world, but avoid eating in fancy restaurants lest your table manners give you away.

60-80 points: Your Pleistocene heritage is predominant. You should consider a career in pro football.

80-100 points: Unfortunately, your genetic makeup is Grunt City; there is no place for you in human society. Try running for public office instead!