Mulling it over -- NBA playoff edition

First and foremost, let me apologize for not writing this column earlier. It's been more than two months since I waxed comedic and threw witty barbs at you from all over the world of sports. And for that, my loyal readers and friends, I truly am sorry.

So without further adieu, I present to you the return of Mulling It Over -- NBA playoffs edition, with an overemphasis on the Portland Trail Blazers, my surrogate favorite team that stands no chance of staying together once the Mavericks dispose of them in the first round of the playoffs.

Is anyone else as excited as I am about this summer's NBA free agent market? Color me giddy if Gary Payton inks a deal with the Blazers. Not only does Payton have Pacific Northwest roots, but he could team with current Blazer Damon Stoudamire and teach youngster Jeff McInnis the finer points of playing point guard and getting arrested...

Speaking of Payton, had he been arrested a few months earlier he certainly would have made my list of favorite athlete arrests. In fact, any athlete arrest that occurs at a strip club (I'm looking your way, Theo Fleury) can just go ahead and take a spot on that list...

No one was sadder than I to see that Tim Hardaway signed a contract to play out the rest of the season with the Indiana Pacers, and in the process leaving behind his studio job with ESPN. Only an NBA great like Hardaway could offer such deft analytical commentary as "Yeah, he good" and "What I wanna say," all the while gazing aimlessly into the wrong camera...

These NBA playoffs could be the last hurrah for one NBA great, and I'm not talking about John Stockton or Karl Malone (both of whom should just quit now, regardless of how many more games the Jazz have to play before succumbing to another inevitable playoff exit). Instead, this could be the swan song for Shawn Kemp, who, despite his massive weight gain, poor financial decisions, and rapidly diminishing skills, has still managed to lead the league in illegitimate children. Fare thee well, Reign Man. Fare thee well...

Is there any chance of the Portland Trail Blazers releasing a behind-the-scenes DVD of all their off-court exploits? "You won't want to miss this one-of-a-kind special edition DVD featuring all your favorite Blazers' players and their respective parole officers. Watch as Damon Stoudamire fails a field sobriety test, Rasheed Wallace goes to rehab, and Arvydas Sabonis grows increasingly alienated from his teammates." I would buy it in a heartbeat...

Theory No. 1 on why the Milwaukee Bucks, much like the Seattle SuperSonics, will never accomplish anything under George Karl: The Alien Theory. Out of "The Big Three" featuring Ray Allen, Glenn Robinson and Sam Cassell, Karl chose to keep Cassell (Sam Cassell!!!), who is clearly the least talented of the three. What was the thought process here? "Sure, Ray Allen's one of the best players in the league and Big Dog's an All-Star, but Sam Cassell's an overpaid criminal on the downside of his career. Cassell it is." Way to go, coach...

Is anyone else hoping the Blazers find they cannot trade Ruben Patterson this summer because leaving the state of Oregon might violate the terms of his probation?...

Enough already about this being the demise of the L.A. Lakers and they just "can't turn it on" now that the playoffs are here. Yes they can, yes they will, and this is why the NBA is terrible...

Perhaps the only thing that would bother me more than the Lakers (aka "The New York Yankees of Basketball") winning another title would be the Indiana Pacers winning one while Isiah Thomas was "coaching" them. He has taken the deepest team in the league to the brink of first-round elimination at the hands of a team (Boston) with two players (Pierce and Walker). Honestly, if this team had a real coach, they might have been able to come out of the East and been subsequently manhandled by the Lakers in the Finals...

The Philadelphia 76ers are going to win the East. What other team has its best player get shot at and then go out and score 55 points? Sure, the Blazers have probably been shooting at each other all season long, but that's not the same...

Speaking of the Blazers (Did I mention that I'm really going to miss this team once it gets broken up this summer? I am.), watching Patterson and Zach Randolph (the "assaulter" to Patterson's "assaultee") on the court at the same time makes me sit on the edge of my seat. I keep waiting for the brief moment where Randolph comes down with a rebound, turns, and then gets blindsided by Rube, who then flashes a gang sign before being carted back to prison. That's my NBA...

Theory No. 2 on why the Bucks will never accomplish anything under Karl: Overly Distracting Hairlip Theory. No matter what it is, I simply cannot hear anything Karl says because I'm just too distracted by his hairlip. It's like watching ESPN's Jay Bilas, whose hairline starts in the middle of his forehead, thus assuring I cannot concentrate on listening to anything he has to say...

Finally, before I go, I must bid my official farewell to the 2002-03 Portland Trail Blazers. This ragtag bunch of superstars has re-defined the term "underachieve" over the last several seasons, and this year's off-the-court troubles have pretty much guaranteed that Portland is going to clean house this summer. This is a difficult thing for me to cope with. They've given me so much, whether it was marijuana busts (Stoudamire, Wallace, Qyntel Woods), assaults and batteries (Patterson) and grossly out of place foreigners (Arvydas Sabonis). Seeing this team broken up will truly bring a tear to my eye. I will miss you, fellas. I will miss you, indeed.