America's Goofy plan

This week another dangerous dictatorship has been added to the axis of evil. Forget Syria, North Korea and Iran, the next rogue state on the United States' hit list appears to be France. Colin Powell declared on Wednesday that France will have to "face the consequences" of failing to back the United States on the UN security council and all-out war can now only be a matter of time.

A few weeks back, French fries were renamed "freedom fries" - which is clearly a far more sensible choice than our awkward word "chips". Since then, American makers of French polish and French horns have gone bankrupt and teenage boys have been walking into pharmacies and plucking up courage to ask for "freedom letters". As Gallic food products are boycotted, exports of British cheeses to the US are up with the finest Roquefort and Camembert being replaced by Asda's own-brand microwavable cheese strings. No one can now say that the Americans haven't suffered as well. "May I order the Chateauneuf du Papes?" "I'm afraid not sir, but we can offer you this British gooseberry Riesling as an alternative."

Now an extensive UN dossier has been published giving detailed accounts of French abuses of human rights. There are disturbing reports of nonchalant shrugging by French waiters. CNN has broadcast astonishing footage of French bureaucrats actually being rude and obstructive to foreigners, though surely this must have been faked. American mothers have been appalled by photographs of French women having a glass of wine when pregnant, though there is also a certain amount of pity for a population forced to watch all those intellectual films that won the oeuf d'or at the Bruges film festival. But what's really annoyed the Americans is the provocative way they eat all this fancy rich food and just don't seem to get fat. The French must fall into line with western levels of obesity or face the consequences. George Bush is now drawing up a list of the most wanted Frenchmen, which so far only names Gerard Depardieu and Barbar the Elephant.

Hostility between the United States and France goes back quite a few years. A lot of bad feeling was created by the Louisiana purchase, when Napoleon's estate agent managed to hike the price up by claiming there was another couple who were also interested.

"They're bluffing" said the American president, but Mrs Jefferson had fallen in love with the big garden with that pretty 2,000-mile river frontage on to the Mississippi. "I'm going to tell them there's a few other properties we're looking at. I'll say we might decide to buy Florida off the Spanish instead."

"But darling, we could lose it altogether and look at the estate agent's details: 'A rare opportunity to purchase this 828,000-square mile estate with its own mountain range, plains, lakes and several outbuildings.' Oh darling can we, please, please, please " she begged, staring at the picture in Country Life.

But, of course, when they moved in it was nothing like the description; half of it was swamps and deserts, and the neighbours were unfriendly and kept threatening to scalp everyone. America sulked for a century and refused to forward all the mail. Then in 1966 President de Gaulle took France out of Nato and said that all American troops should leave French soil. ("Does that include the dead ones?" quipped an American cynic at the time.) The US then had to find another way to install American service personnel there, and this was the origin of Disneyland Paris.

It was very hard to argue with Ronald Reagan at the best of times, but when he had this idea that thousands of US marines should be stationed in northern France hidden inside Mickey Mouse and Goofy costumes, they thought he'd finally flipped. Battle-weary soldiers were kitted out in their new uniforms as Sneezy or Baloo the Bear. B52 pilots were retrained to man Space Mountain and the flying Dumbo ride, and amazingly the plan worked. The soldiers were delighted that the locals waved and cheered them every day as they rode past on the way to Sleeping Beauty's castle. Never before had US troops been hugged and photographed with their arms round the native population.

But all this is now set to change when these agents suddenly reveal themselves as part of America's cunning plan to bring about regime change in Paris. The bombing of French cities begins next month, although no doubt those obstinate French politicians will find some reason to object to this as well. All the White House seeks is a French president who will back the United States, a leader who will support America whatever its policies. No wonder Tony Blair has been having those extra French lessons.